Randy Couture hasn’t fought since he announced his retirement before losing to Lyoto Machida in the second round at UFC 129 in April 2011, but he’s done just fine since that sad day. For instance, did you know that Couture’s latest film, The Expendables 2, opens nationwide today? Some critics *points to self* are already calling it the greatest sequel in the history of motion pictures, and the only reason it’s not the best film ever is because it’s impossible to be better than The Expendables. But that’s a different story for a different day (that day being Monday when it is announced that Expendables 2 has already grossed $6 trillion billion zillion).

Now as Couture is out promoting the greatest sequel ever made, of course the question will be asked – will you ever fight again? And that’s a very stupid question, because of course the answer is no. Wait, what? The answer is yes?

“No, I think everything I set out to do, I managed to pull off, and it has been an amazing journey for 15 years,” Couture said when speaking to G4TV’s Attack of the Show on Wednesday.

“Not unless (Steven) Seagal wants to sign up,” Couture answered with a smile and a laugh. (Via MMA Weekly)

A lot of people think that the laugh implies that he was joking, that he wouldn’t actually fight Seagal. But I need to remind those people that it was Seagal that claimed to have taught Machida the front jump kick that ended Couture’s career, so maybe Couture secretly harbors a desire to get revenge on the greatest sensei in the history of mixed martial arts – you know, according to Seagal.

Then again, it’s not like there’s legitimate bad blood between Couture and Seagal, as if Seagal called him “a flaming tickle twat with the fists of 1,000 little girls”. Unless that would make Couture actually want to fight him, in which case I totally heard Seagal say that, bro.

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Over the past few months, all of our Anderson Silva updates have been ridiculous — like watching him dress up as Michael Jackson for Rolling Stone Brazil, fight Steven Seagal over terrible beer or judge gigantic South American asses. UFC 148: Silva vs. Sonnen II is coming up on July 7, so the big question has been, “When is Anderson going to flip the switch from Bieber-hugging Burger King spokesperson to monster UFC Middleweight Champion and rage the shit out of this guy who’s been trying to piss him off for two years?”

That question has been answered: the UFC 148 conference call.

“First of all, Chael is a criminal. He’s been convicted of crimes. He doesn’t deserve to be inside the Octagon. And when the time is right, I’m going to break his face and break every one of his teeth in his mouth.”

Go on.

“The playtime is over. I’m gonna beat Chael like he’s never been beat before. There’s no more talking. I know he’s on the line listening, and the game’s over. I’m going to beat his ass out of the UFC. He’s never gonna want to fight again after I’m done with him.”

If that’s not enough to make you want to cut a piece of posterboard into the shape of a tombstone, write “R.I.P. SONNEN” on it and bring it to UFC 148, may Silva’s extended thoughts will be. In addition to breaking his teeth and beating him so badly he’ll never want to fight again, Silva promises which bones he’llbreak, from what angle he’ll break them and how badly he wants Sonnen to know it. I know these guys are professional fighters and everything, but if Silva ever said this about me I’d just jump off a bridge and be done with it:

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I’ve watched this video a few times, trying to figure out how landing on your arm from like two feet up can knock you out, and yeah, the jolt of a fall can do crazy things to your brain and all, but I think it was shame that knocked him out.

Cage Potato is a great place to find MMA and boxing knockout videos of varying believability, but this is my new favorite — Jeremie Capony and Dan Lariviere squared off at Empire Fight League 4 in Montreal on Saturday, and at some point Lariviere attempts a flying switch-kick that whiffs completely and only succeeds in switching consciousness for unconsciousness.

I like to think that in a different timeline, poor Dan connected with that kick and it made him a viral Internet superstar. Maybe he got a date with Mandy Moore out of it. I guess we’re just living in the darkest timeline.

Double knockouts are rare. Stoppages due to cage malfunction are even rarer. That’s what makes this clip of Brandon Bishop and Braedon Ward’s Hardrock MMA 43 fight from Satuday night the rarest of the rare, the Mew, as it were, of mixed martial arts: it’s a double knockout via cage malfunction. What the what?

From Cage Potato:

After Ward managed to toss Bishop to the mat but was unable to complete the takedown, he bull rushed ahead with a double leg, eventually slamming into to cage door, which burst open and sent both fighters crashing to the ground.

As team members rushed to their aid, it quickly became apparent that both parties had been knocked unconscious in the fall, and the bout was subsequently ruled a no contest.

Good to see local MMA operating under the same rules as pro wrestling — it doesn’t matter how far or cleanly you fell, if the fall involved a prop (like a cage door, collapsable stage or stack of cardboard boxes) you have to lie there unconscious until people drag you away.

In other news, Hardrock MMA 43 seems like the most hilarious and best thing ever, coming pretty close to being the “Battledome” of organized fighting when you combine that double cage knockout with this second, even more brutally hilarious clip from the event. Watch as a guy from Kentucky tries to be the little monkey dude from Bloodsport and gets his skull caved in for his efforts:

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Normally this would be the place I’d hype our Best And Worst Of WWE Smackdown Live-Blog, but tonight is the big UFC 141 event live on pay-per-view from the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada, and we’re keeping it real. The live-blog will return starting next week, but for now I want to know where you’re watching the fights, what you think’s gonna happen, what you think WHILE it’s happening and what you thought when it was done.

So, open discussion thread. I’m not the most schooled-in-MMA blogger out there, so let me know what to expect, and what I should be excited for beyond a geometric shape full of blood and the possibility of an F5. Let me hear you, jerks! If this goes well (and gets more than the usual four comments* in comparison to WWE’s 100+) we’ll keep it going, and I’ll make an effort to cover more things that are actually sports.

The full results and weigh-in video are below. :

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A few days ago we shared a clip from the toddler Kumite and people seemed to like it, so now every time children get stuck in brutally violent adult situations I’m going to try to share it — for example, by way of Best Week Ever comes this clip of a bunch of Kazakhstani 9-year olds turning a post-game hockey handslapping into a full-bore gang war.

It’s hard to pick a favorite part of any Kids Beating The Hell Out Of Each Other video, but I think the kid in the upper left corner at the :30 mark being carried away kicking and screaming like he’s Veruca Salt is the best. The worst part is Kokshetau-Burabay’s green #10 skating up and punching a kid in the back of the head while he’s in the mount. You’ve got to try pretty hard to be the least sportsmanlike person in a bench-clearing brawl.

[h/t Robopanda]