Earlier today, FIFA president Sepp Blatter started to get a little … weird on Twitter. His tweets went from “my thoughts are with the Dominica coach who died in a car accident” to I AM STEALING MONEY GO F**K YOURSELF QATAR pretty quickly, and shortly thereafter @FIFAWorldCup began tweeting about how FIFA executives had “held a meeting regarding the decision to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar” and that Blatter would “step down due to corruption charges.” That was followed by increasingly suspicious tweets as the next hour rolled on, but soccer guys are basically the weirdest people in sports, so we weren’t really sure if this was his account being hacked or Sepp settling into some weird scandal and/or mental fit.

Here’s a look at those tweets:

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If I’d known they’d put special attacks into the FIFA games, I would’ve started buying them years ago.

On Tuesday, EA Sports released the Demo version of the FIFA ’13 video game, available for download on XBOX Live, among other platforms. As this is not the final version of the game, a few glitches were bound to be found, including one where a player making a slide tackle of an opponent sends both players flying across the field.

In a follow-up video I’m totally imagining, that player follows up his slide tackle with a squatting uppercut, then turns into a dragon and bites the other guy in half. Then Noob Saibot shows up and holds up a red card. Yeah, I wish this was the real game.

Anyway, I’m gonna keep playing the demo until it lets me morph Lionel Messi into Shang Tsung.

[h/t to Holdout Sports]

Get some, Pele.

Last we checked in on international pop superstar Shakira, she was dumping her no-good soccer star boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, because he allegedly couldn’t stop putting his balls in other girls’ nets. But it turns out that Shakira’s not only ridiculously talented and attractive, but she’s quite forgiving, too. At least that’s what I’m taking away from the fact that she attended last night’s FIFA Soccer Awards at the Kongresshaus in Zurich with Piqué. Oh, and she also hosted the ceremony, so that may explain why she was there, too.

Regardless, Shakira was on hand to present Argentina’s Lionel Messi with his third Ballon d’Or football award, and Japan’s Homare Sawa with the Player of the Year award, as her team shocked the world by winning the Women’s World Cup. I would have given the award to Alex Morgan, in case she’s reading this and wants me to brush her hair later tonight.

Other soccer players like Wayne Rooney also won awards, but I’m just going to pretend that the entire event looked like this…

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It’s important and interesting that two ridiculously oil-rich countries (Russia and Qatar) get awarded the World Cup and then it emerges that the FIFA judges who dole out such cherries are corrupt as f**k. Also interesting is the fact that the guy pissing all over the integrity of the world’s most popular sport is named “Blatter.” Because these are important things we need to cover, here is a video of former Bulgarian national team player Daniel Borimirov, a guy who played in the World Cup, starting a fight with a bunch of parents at a youth soccer game.

Highlights of the video include the kid throwing a paper cup at an adult for no reason near the end, the gym-class-quality Muay Thai kicks that get thrown whenever soccer people fight, and the invariable truth that a guy walking up to a group of local sports parents dressed like that is going to start a fight. If I was a European soccer player, I’d only dress in skinny jeans, sunglasses, and those rhinestone Afflicition-type shirts that look like they come from Dress Barn.

As someone who is just getting into soccer (go FC Dallas!) and has spent a month now writing about how insane it always is, I appreciate having something like this to find every week. What happenes next week? FIFA sells the World Cup to North Korea? Some guy from the Houston Dynamo stabs a referee with a flaming dagger, maybe in front of somebody’s field trip?

[h/t Off the Bench]

UPDATE: There’s a Facebook page for Grant’s “candidacy” now. Hey, it worked for Betty White.

International soccer has a “Blatter infection,” and Sports Illustrated writer Grant Wahl believes that he has the cure. Wahl, a guy with whom we’ve spoken and whose views we enjoyed during the recent World Cup, has put together a fun video declaring his intention to assume the presidency of FIFA, soccer’s international governing body.

Wahl is “campaigning” against current FIFA president Sepp Blatter, who is up for re-election despite grumblings of possible corruption, which best explains how a small, wealthy country like Qatar could possibly have been awarded the 2022 World Cup. But you, dear soccer fan, can’t vote for Wahl; he simply has to be nominated by a member country before the April 1 deadline, which may or may not be ironic.

Wahl promises to add instant replay to World Cup matches, diversity to FIFA’s board, and orange wedges during meetings. And then he awkwardly attempts to shake hands with people in midtown Manhattan. “Congratulations,” one guy says as he shakes hands with Grant without breaking stride. You can watch the video after the jump.

Where’s your hat, Grant? It’s cold outside.
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Here’s a not-so-feelgood story out of Europe involving an Italian teenager (not pictured), a PlayStation, and a dad getting stabbed because he was kicking his boy’s ass in FIFA. Roll blockquote…

The man, identified as Fabrizio R., suffered a deep cut to the throat after his 16-year-old son, Mario, attacked him during an argument on Sunday over the soccer video game FIFA 2009.

Police said the argument broke out when the 46-year-old storekeeper offered his son advice on tactics to improve his play, and then turned the television off in response to his son’s behavior.
Fetching a knife from the kitchen, Mario stabbed his father in the neck before returning to clean the weapon at the kitchen sink in front of his mother and leaving it to dry on the draining-board.

Forty-six year-old housewife Monica B,. told Italian daily Il Corriere della Sera that she had no idea what had happened until her husband stumbled into the room, clutching his throat. –Y! News.

Mario [It's'a mee! Mario! --Ed.] got the game just a few days earlier as a birthday present. But here’s the money quote, from Mario’s mom, emphasis added:

“Mario is obsessed. He’s forever playing on his PlayStation, and we bought him FIFA 2009 because we didn’t want him playing violent games,” his mother told Il Corriere.

Good move, mom. That’s a fine piece of preventative parenting. Because little Mario beating up hookers and shooting cops in a video game would have just turned him into some anti-social maniac. I’m sure he’ll get over that eventually. Stabbing his father, that is. Nobody ever gets over videogames. Because videogames never say, “Sure, I’d love to hang out, but I’ve gotta work late tonight.”