I'm gonna try to win the Pulitzer with this one.

Austin, Texas, has 8-10 festivals every weekend, but this weekend was a big one: the 7th annual Fun Fun Fun Fest, featuring a reunited Run DMC, everyone from Public Image Ltd to X to f**king Kreayshawn and a cannon that shoots tacos. It’s the weird little brother of SXSW, and it’s the best.

It’s also full of sports, and because 1) I was there, and 2) I run a sports blog, I documented all of it to share with you here. I actually got to participate in some of it, too. My jobs as a returning judge for the Air Sex Championships and hosting gig for a veggie hot dog eating contest got me billed as a “Yellow State Artist,” meaning I performed (as it were) on the same stage as David Cross, Eugene Mirman, H. Jon Benjamin, Saul Williams and a magician who did a racist ventriloquist act and pulled ribbons out of a chicken’s ass. It was one of the coolest, best experiences I’ve ever had, and that’s not even mentioning how I got a crowd of hipsters to join me in a Daniel Bryan “YES” chant.

Inside this Golden Treasury of sports photos you’ll find:

- Skateboarding and BMX at “Ride The Plank,” sponsored by Project LOOP
- Pro wrestling courtesy of local pals Anarchy Championship Wrestling
- Mechanical bull riding
- The aforementioned Air Sex Championships, which gets covered a lot on With Leather these days and is exactly what it sounds like.
- The veggie hot dog eating contest

Stick around until the very end to see a shirtless fat guy in a horse mask squaring off against a punk rock pornstar. That is not clickbait, that actually happened. I love you, Fun Fun Fun Fest.

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Links

Fun Fun Fun Fest In Austin - I’m going to miss out on Public Enemy, Childish Gambino AND Anarchy Championship Wrestling because as a local I didn’t spend 200 dollars on tickets 8 months ago. Somebody at the fest wanna read this and toss me a couple of tickets? I’ll promote you on my … on my uh, sports blog. [FunFunFun Fest]

The 10 Best Ways For Artists To Build Their Brands At Music Festivals - I like using the word “brand” in situations like this, because it reminds me of that contact lens commercial. “MY BRAND!” [Smoking Section]

This Man Is Terrified of Puppies - I got into an argument with my girlfriend over whether this clip is funny or sad. She won, I guess, because I couldn’t come up with an point broader than “come on, really?” [Warming Glow]

Haley Joel Osment Looks… Healthy - At this point I feel like Emily Osment should just cut her hair super short and tell people she’s Haley Joel. She’ll get more street cred, and he’ll still look like a human being. [Film Drunk]

Parks & Meth: ‘Breaking Bad’ Hilariously Meets ‘Parks & Rec’ - I want to start a site for articles like this nobody would Tumble. Like, ‘Three’s Company Hilariously Meets St. Elsewhere’. Waste two hours making graphics and watch the four dissatisfied hits roll in. |UPROXX|

Hoverboards Are Real; Effing Sweet - We’re through the looking glass, people. [Gamma Squad]

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M MAKING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER! - More like R. Lee Navy, am I right [Film Drunk]

Mr. Belding Is Doing Pretty Well, Actually - I don’t care what you say, he was the best part of ‘Saved By The Bell’. That show would’ve just been ‘California Dreams’ without him. [Warming Glow]

10 Marvelous Money Faces - Linking this here because “Marvelous Money Face” was my favorite Dick Tracy villain. [Buzzfeed]

Finally, We Have The Question To Which There Is No Answer: What Is The Best Coldplay Song? - I don’t understand my own relationship with Coldplay. I don’t think they’re bad or musically untalented, but Jesus, there’s no band that gets me to change the radio station faster. [FARK]

Is ‘The Three Musketeers’ the Stupidest Movie Ever Made? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions) - …yet I’m sure everyone involved, including Paul W.S. stupid Anderson, will get to make whatever they want next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. [Moviefone]

Come Up with the Best Reverse 80′s Remake. Win a Pajiba T-Shirt - Remember, nobody made real movies in the 80s, it was always just Molly Ringwald with Depeche Mode playing in the background. [Pajiba]