Over the weekend, one of the most controversial subjects we’ve ever debated on this site came to a head, as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model and 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton finally openly discussed the elephant in the room. And obviously that elephant is her, because she’s a fatty fatty two-by-four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.

Obviously I’m being facetious, but people on these here Interwebs are still trying to give Upton a complex about her curves, and I’ll say it a million times over – if Kate Upton is fat, then Kirstie Alley is a f*cking planet.

Over the weekend, though, Upton’s latest endorsement deal didn’t necessarily help her cause, as Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s released their newest commercial for the Southwest Patty Melt, featuring Upton forever altering the way we will look at our girlfriends as they eat hamburgers. I hope the people responsible for all of Geico’s commercials watch this ad and then think long and hard about their next screaming pig commercial. Seriously, guys, cut it out already.

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We're gonna need more Kate Uptons STAT!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been introduced to Donna Simpson, the World’s Fattest Mom who is being forced to lose weight or she will die, and Susanne Eman, the “World’s Fattest Woman” who wants to be fatter. Well I’ve got some great news for both of them – Lean Pockets are 2 for $4 at Publix this week and Eman now has a reason to get fatter. It turns out that she’s not the fattest woman on Earth, as the Guinness Book of World Records has bestowed that honor upon 47-year old Pauline Potter of Sacramento, CA. It gets better – Potter will be featured in the 2012 edition’s section on “Extreme Beauty.”

*air guitars, kick flips into pool filled with mayonnaise*

So what does the new Queen of Un-Lean Cuisine have to say for herself?

“Everything people take for granted—those are the things I dream of,” Potter told People of not being able to live the life she wanted. “I’m not living. I want more.” (Via Third Age)

While I’m no nutritionist, I think the easy first step is to remove the pudding IV. But apparently Potter, who blames her weight on being a “compulsive eater” so she might as well also claim to be a sex addict with ADD living in fear of Lord Xenu*, wants to be a one-and-done record holder and use this notoriety to get some help. Free help, of course.

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Videos of overweight people showing irrational happiness are always fun to pass around, and that’s exactly why I’ve never made a sex tape. Seriously, how would I have any clue where that video would appear next? Oh sure, it works if you have a fantastic ass or you have no other redeemable talents whatsoever, but I’m a human being, dammit. I have opinions and stuff!

But conversely, I do not have courtside seats at Nets games, and that’s one of the reasons I’ll never be as awesome as this kid. He hasn’t been this excited since that new Dairy Queen opened up three blocks away from his house. Read the rest of this entry »

With the recent announcement that Apple would be developing a 7-inch version of the iPad, I couldn’t help but wonder two things:1) Isn’t that just an iPhone? And B) What’s going to happen to all of the current 10-inch iPads currently selling like hot cakes? Well, it turns out the answers are simple: yes and fat people phones. The governing body of Japan’s sumo association will issue iPads to the wrestlers to use as phones because their fingers are too large to use standard cellular phones. Cellular phone? More like CELLULITE phone! *bowtie spins, kimono blows open*

Turns out the pleasingly plump grapplers have been missing important information about matches because some of their “stables” don’t have readily available Internet, fax or telephone access. This is Japan we’re talking about, right? Thankfully the iPad can also keep a steady flow of tentacle porn downloads, too.

You have dishonored my family and country, Globe and Mail:

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Terrell Suggs didn’t play up to his usual standards last season, and while some of the blame should rightfully fall upon an injury plagued season, a lot has to do with the LB packing on a few too many lbs.

A year ago, Baltimore Ravens outside linebacker Terrell Suggs tipped the scales at 283 pounds.

“It wasn’t just Popeye’s, it was also Kentucky Fried Chicken,” Suggs said. “It was also the cookies. You know, I did like the cookies. It was kind of a reward. When I started getting the weight down and I reached a certain goal it was like, ‘OK, you can have a cookie.’ She did a good job helping me, especially down the stretch.” –Guyism

It really is a sad state of affairs when you see someone get hooked on Popeye’s like that. While I’ve never had to deal with the symptoms of withdrawal, I’ve heard stories of how the aroma from just driving by a Popeye’s can drive the strongest of men mad. I’m almost positive that the ‘she’ he is referring to is Mrs. Fields. Funny, I always thought her to be a Steelers fan. Read the rest of this entry »

While a beauty pageant is hardly a sport, it is indeed a competition and every so often a pageant comes along that deserves some extra attention. For instance, Angela Scognamiglio bested a field of portly princesses on Saturday to become the new Miss Chubby. Angela weighed in for the contest at 170 kg, which translates to approximately 340 pounds if my international Tons-of-Funometer is correct. When hearing of her conquest, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offered Angela a six-year deal.

The 20-year old pageant program has one qualifying rule – women must weigh more than 200 pounds. Coincidentally, I shared this same rule for one very shameful semester of college. Angela said she felt like she “won the lottery” by being crowned Miss Chubby, while her proud father declared, “You see-a my bambina? You-a want-a to marry her-a now, yes? Please?”

Breathe heavily while trying to tell us the story, Associated Foreign Press:

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