I’m not big on the whole concept of sports hate. I’m an Ohio State alum that has a lot of respect for Michigan. I don’t think that hating an opposing player/fanbase/whatever comes off as anything other than thinly-veiled envy. It’s just weak and really sad. Having said all of that, I really, really hate Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly.

You’ll remember that Kelly bolted for South Bend while his team at Cincinnati was in the middle of an undefeated season, and then stood idly by when a member of his student staff was killed in a needless accident because Kelly had to have his precious video. And he just sticks his nose in the air at every turn, as if we dare ask about how one of his players might have raped a student. I do not care for him.

So imagine how wonderful it must have been for Kelly to return to Cincinnati to roast a local celebrity and then talk smack to all the poor losers that he left in his wake in 2010.

“I had a steak named after me at The Precinct [some stupid steakhouse --Ed.]. It was 12 ounces, and I thought that was fitting for someone who went 12-0,” Kelly joked to the crowd. “But I’m no longer on the menu… So Jeff and I cut a deal. He said, ‘Here’s what I’ll do for you. How about if I cut Butch Jones’ and Marvin’s steak down to 4 ounces, since they only won four games?’ ”

–Chip Patterson/Eye On Football.

Very funny, Chunk. You should type that joke up and hang it next to your Sun Bowl trophy. That’ll do wonders for recruiting. So would your wandering your fat ass into oncoming traffic, but I’ll take what I can get.

Major League Baseball umpire Joe West is a man of many hats, having first stepped behind the plate in 1976, serving as the president of the World Umpires Association, and being a successful country music singer. West’s desire for attention is no secret, and this week he may have pushed his last button with the MLB brass when his PR representative made him available to the media to discuss his April comments regarding the Yankees and Red Sox playing too long and his latest verbal quarrel with Ozzie Guillen.

However, as West has a reputation for doing, he’s being accused of using his on-field antics to support his upcoming country music album and possibly his line of umpire equipment and gear as well. MLB executives spoke with West on the phone yesterday, and it is believed that the conversation wasn’t friendly. In fact, MLB may be pressing to suspend West, but it’s sort of tough seeing as he’s the president of the umpire governing body. And oh what a large body it is.

Save the Queen from Reggie Jackson, Yahoo! Sports Rumors:

His transgression? West has reportedly been trying to get reporters to talk to him about something Major League Baseball wants everybody to forget about: when he called the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox “pathetic and embarrassing” because of their long game times. West also wants to talk to reporters about ejecting Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and pitcher Mark Buerhle.

West’s latest controversy came when he ejected Buerhle and Guillen after they argued two balk calls. Buerhle is widely considered to have one of the best pick off moves in baseball, so balk calls are even more rare with the White Sox veteran. Guillen, equally good at attracting the spotlight, has fired back all week with profanities that would make George Carlin quit the Navy.

MLB officials are expected to have a decision soon, and West will continue to talk to any media outlet that is interested in his side of the story. Like the Food Network, for instance. Joe would love to stop by Ace of Cakes for the next few months.

This is Donna Simpson, and she is fat. In fact, she’s efforting to become the heaviest woman ever. She already weighs somewhere around six bills, but she’s still engorging in cake, sushi and donuts to make a push for history. And you, dear reader, can have a front-row seat for all the calorie packing.

She runs her own website where people pay to watch her eat, or see her wash her huge body.
The cash helps fund the family’s $750 a week food shop, which Miss Simpson carries out in her mobility scooter.

That website’s subscribers reportedly earn her a monthly income of £2,000 a month ($3033 US). And to think that I’ve been typing on this site like a schlep.

“I’d love to be 1,000lb,” she said. “It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down.” –Telegraph (UK)

Yeah, exercise is a real bitch like that. I hope that this becomes a movie, just so we can enjoy a five-minute eating montage. And I want Simon Pegg to play Donna while wearing a fat suit. It’ll be like “Big Momma’s House,” but for white people. And actually funny. Thanks to Jack for the heads-up.>

ASYLUM POLL: Would you like to see Donna Simpson reach 1,000 pounds? Be honest…

America’s favorite annual meat market is already underway. The NFL Combine, an invitation-only job fair for college players looking to play at the next level, is the biggest non-football football event of the NFL’s year. Here are some things you might not know about the Combine:

Some players just show up. With all of the colleges having pro days now, pro prospects often opt out of drills in Indy, preferring just to get weighed and measured, and then just go home. It’s a move that yields mixed results, and it’s often pulled by guys that had nice college careers but aren’t expected to do much in the pros. Yes, we’re looking at you, Tim Tebow.

The 40-yard dash is important. They actually measure this electronically in 10-yard increments. Because nothing measures a player’s ability to block, tackle and catch than watching him run in a straight line.

The bench press is not as gay as it sounds. Everyone bench presses 225 pounds as many times as they can. Unlike your sorry little friend at the gym, these guys don’t just bench the bar. Some guy did 51 reps in 1999. I would not want to mess with that gentleman.

The Wonderlic. NFL players take a standardized intelligence test. It’s timed, and the questions supposedly get harder as one goes along. The only perfect score in its history, a 50, came from a punter. Titans quarterback Vince Young allegedly bombed the test in 2006, scoring a 6. Here’s a sample Wonderlic to see where you would stack up. Or you could find VY and challenge him to a foot race. Your call.

You can watch it online this year. Does any of this sound like appointment viewing to you? Good. NFL.com is streaming portions of their little job interview online this year. But be discreet, or you’ll soon be out on a job interview of your own.

Ouch. That did not look like it felt too good. No doubt the poor, portly fellow felt pretty embarrassed laying there on the concrete looking like a beached Beluga. This is why fat people shouldn’t leave their homes except to go to Old Country Buffet. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time this guy willingly gets on something with four wheels is when Maury Povich sends a camera crew and they have to rip off a side of his house and hoist him out of his bed with a Bobcat.

And the splits? Yikes. I wasn’t even aware of the fact that fat people could bend that way. How fitting it would have been if a James Brown song had been added for background music.

“Say it loud, I’m fat and on the ground. HEYYYYY!!”

Or alternatively,

“Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Stay on the scene, like an eating machine”

I suppose that would make him the Godfather Of Roll.

Meet Tony Casamento, the new starting quarterback for Ellenville (NY) High.  He took over the starter’s job for the sectional semifinal just over a week ago, and on Saturday he led his team to the sectional championship.  Also, as you may have noticed, he’s fat.

“People laughed at me when I said he’s a quarterback in a lineman’s body,” said Ellenville coach Tony Borriello. “But he really is. It’s unfortunate that God gives us certain things, but you gotta deal with it.”

Casamento was given a slow metabolism, doctors told him, so he was always a big kid.

“I’d go on diets for one week and the next week put it all back on,” he said at practice Thursday, wearing the quarterback’s red jersey mandating defenders not touch him. “I love food. That’s what it’s all about for me.”

I guess it would be mean to make fun of a heartwarming story about an overweight kid who overcomes the cliques and cruelty of high school to find success and acceptance… but that’s never really stopped me before.  What a disgusting food blister.  Look at his socks.  He turned the Under Armour logo into a horizontal line.  Quarterbacks aren’t supposed to have cankles.  Or diabetes.

[Deuce of Davenport / Deadspin]