Normally when a woman gives birth in China, it isn’t big news since it would take 600 networks running around the clock to cover that kind of procreation. But one woman stunned the world last weekend when she gave birth to the biggest baby in the country’s recorded history. Weighing in at a whopping 15.5 pounds, Chun Chun has already broken at least one national record and I assume one cervix.

But mama is resting healthily, happily and proudly this week, as her and her husband are basking in the glory of uterine walls that could stymie the Mongolian army. Via The Daily Mail:

His delighted father told local TV: ‘My wife was not different from other pregnant women. She ate and drank normally as she should. But she’s given birth to such a big, fat son.

‘Today is the first day of spring in the Chinese calendar and he’s a ‘dragon baby’. I feel very happy,” his father Han Jingang told local broadcaster Xinxiang Television.

His 29-year-old mother, Wang Yujuan, said she had sensed something special.

Three babies were born in China between 2008 and 2010 that each weighed roughly 15.4 pounds, but those little tykes have shamed and dishonored their country and families. Today, Chun Chun is the biggest baby ever born in China, and with some hard work and dedication, the country’s top scientists will one day be able to produce a baby big enough to topple the Ohio newborn that popped out at 23 pounds in 1879.

In fact, I think I found a newspaper clipping from that day.

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Whenever I get low on The American Spirit, I can always count on Fark and the fine men and other men of ESPN NASCAR to dip said spirit in flour, deep fry it and shove it down my throat. In fact, that’s happened so many times now that my ass has expanded exponentially, and, having lost the ability to stand, I now require a broader seat upon which to rest my shame.

Good news, everyone!

Dover International Speedway in Delaware is hoping to make race fans’ experience a little more comfortable by widening seats in the track’s outdoor grandstands.

The speedway announced Thursday that the process of increasing seats from 18 inches to 22 inches will start next year and will be complete by 2014.

Denis McGlynn, president and CEO of Dover Motorsports, says the widening comes in response to fans’ suggestions. The change will reduce the capacity of the speedway from 140,000 to 113,000.

I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of vegan options at Dover International Speedway.

Before this post becomes too much of a fat wank, there are other explanations … namely, a 30,000 seat downshift helps compensate for declining attendance figures and make the track look more full, and the reality that even slimmer fans could use more leg room, especially when they’re wearing scanners or Jncos or enormous belt buckles. I just love that they’re widening the seats because of “fans’ suggestions”, like some 600 pound lady spent 40 minutes writing “wider seats” on a comment card before passing out and having the wind pick it up and carry it to the suggestion box. If I went to the speedway my suggestions would be “obstacles” and possibly “make it so the cars shoot turtle shells at each other”.

If ever there was an argument against universal health care, perhaps it’s the story of Paul Mason, a British man who currently weighs in at approximately 420-pounds. But Mason’s original claim to fame was the title of the World’s Fattest Man, a feat that was once recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records when the bloke weighed a ridiculous 980-pounds. That’s whole lotta fish n’ chips, guvna.

But good for him, right? After all, it must take a lot of incredibly hard work and $5 dollar footlongs to shed 560-pounds. Of course not, because Mason took the easy road and had gastric bypass surgery last year. Now here’s the fun part – Mason’s surgery cost about $47,000 and the government’s National Health Service footed the bill. In all, Mason’s surgeries have cost taxpayers roughly $1.5 million and he wants the government to continue to pay for every last nip and tuck, including fat fold removals.

Following surgery which reduced his weight to 37 stone by the beginning of 2011, Mason was reportedly set to sue the NHS, not for any complications with the operation but because he blamed the NHS for not helping him control his weight. According to the Daily Mail, Mason said “I want to set a precedent so no one else has to get to the same size.” Instead of taking personal responsibility for his weight gain Mason believed the NHS was at fault for sending him to a dietitian rather than an eating disorder specialist.

(Via the Digital Journal, via the HuffPo.)

See, this is the drawback to world records. As much as I love to draw attention to ridiculous people and competitive events, they still give guys like Mason undeserved fame. And now to make matters worse, this convicted felon – he used to be a mailman but was busted for stealing money from people’s private letters – wants to act like he’s the champion of lard asses.

So I have a solution that benefits all of us – Guinness can still award people the titles of Fattest Man and Fattest Woman, but the record keepers will also allow people like me to have a bigger platform with which to make fun of them. I’m thinking a huge roast. Mainly so I can say, “A huge roast. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you fat f*ck.”

Via Guyism comes the funniest and saddest thing you’ll see all over the Internet today:

Your blooper of College Football Saturday comes courtesy of 6’10″ 377-lb Terrell Brown, who, apparently is not aware of how big he is. Watch as he sits on this small plastic chair…and watch as the chair crumbles beneath him.

To his credit, that chair looks like it would buckle to a light breeze and was already in the process of breaking when he sat down. The scale of the matter and the juxtaposition of such a hopeless chair with such a gigantic sports ass it what makes it memorable. A special thanks goes out to whichever College Football Saturday producer decided it was a good idea to air and deride poor Terrell in his moment of (extreme) weakness.

Imagine, if only for a moment, a fantasy situation wherein an evil witch or wicked stepmother casts a spell on two gluttonous, hyper-masculine men and turns them into pigs. Boars, whatever. Now imagine that in their lowered evolutionary state, these transformed men lose control and spend the next thirty minutes squeeing and trying to hurt each other with their pig arms and pig bodies.

Now that you’ve imagined that, compare and contrast it with this depressing-ass video of UFC 11 heavyweight tournament rivals Tank Abbott and Scott Ferrozzo having their scheduled 15-years-later rematch in somebody’s backyard. It was supposed to go down on 10/30 at the Dixie Cowgirls Night Club in Dayton, Ohio, and was advertised as a no time limit match (in a strip club) that would only end if one of the fighters died. Somehow “fight to the death in front of naked ladies” turned into “good-natured ground-hugging in front of some random dudes at a barbecue”, and the transition appears as jarring for the fighters as it does the people watching.

Some the highlights, courtesy of Cage Potato. Viewer (and listener) discretion is advised.

4:52: Tank lands a big left hand from the top, and poetically, two dead leaves float down into the frame, reminding us that life is fragile, and this fight is really happening in a f**king backyard.

10:54: Ferrozzo has both of Tank’s hands completely locked down. If this was legit MMA, the ref would call for a standup. But in Ohio Backyard DeathMatch Rules, there are no standups.

17:09: “I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I am a f**kin’ BEAST!”

20:50: They separate after a brief clinch. Tank backs up and doubles over with fatigue. If Ferrozzo had anything left, he’d end this sh*t right now with a flying knee, but he clearly gassed himself out yelling during the 15-minute opening round.

No matter what you think of Tank Abbott after watching this, remember — this isn’t as low as he’s gone.

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Kate Upton's presence required as a visual Band-Aid.

Two weeks ago, I brought you the incredibly brave story of Susanne Eman, an Arizona woman who is not only a Guinness World Record holder, but is also aspiring to be so much better at what she is famous for. Her claim to fame, of course, is that she is the fattest woman in the world and she is trying to become heavier. Sadly, one of her biggest peers is being forced to do the opposite.

Donna Simpson of New Jersey (least shocking detail ever) earned her own Guinness World Record back in 2007, when she became the heaviest woman to ever give birth. Now, though, after her fiancé dumped her, Simpson has come to a devastating crossroads – either lose weight or die.

“This life-changing move made me realise something important. The health and welfare of my family was always my priority and they were well taken care of by my ex.

“Now that I have sole responsibility of taking care of my children, I must drastically change my lifestyle.”

But she added: “That is, unless I meet someone who wants me to be heavier. But I need to lose enough weight so I can do things for myself, like get out of showers.” (Via The Sun)

Hear that, single guys? Sure, she needs to lose weight to stay alive, but if you want her not to lose weight – and, you know, die – then she’s all yours. This may even be a good opportunity to start my new fat people dating site, Thatch.com.

Witness true love and a terrible stereotype after the jump, and for the much braver among us, you can check out what is sure to be Simpson’s dating profile picture.

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