Brewers co-ace CC Sabathia wanted to send a message of thanks to the fans of his former team, the Cleveland Indians. And because the average baseball fan is 60-years-old, which jibes nicely with the demographics of the typical newspaper reader, it made sense to pay $12,870 to couch that benevolent gesture as a black-and-white ad inside today's Cleveland Plain Dealer sports section. 

It's from the Sabathias — CC, his wife, Amber, and their children — thanking the community for 10 very good years.

"You've touched our lives with your kindness, love and generosity. We are forever grateful!" reads the copy in the $12,870 black-and-white ad.

"Also, the complimentary cocktail wienies in the clubhouse were superb. Couldn't have been more savory. And when fans pelted me with popcorn when I was struggling in the early part of the season? Well, they only threw the saltiest, more flavorful kernels. And, for that, thanks!" 

Steelers Pro Bowl nose tackle Casey Hampton goes by the nickname of "Big Snack," which may give you an idea to how he spends his time. (Hint: garbage bags full of chicken gristle play a sizable role). When he arrived this past weekend at Steelers training camp unable to do a few running exercises, practice hard case Mike Tomlin stuck him on PUP list, which is sadly short on dessert options.  

Tomlin placed Hampton on the physically unable to perform (PUP) list after watching him labor through five of a required eight 100-yard jogs that were part of the players' conditioning test their first day at Saint Vincent College in Latrobe.

"He wasn't able to finish the test," Tomlin said. "He's overweight and he's not conditioned enough to participate at this point."

Tomlin said when he determines Hampton is in shape, he'll take him off the PUP list and allow him to practice.

"I could be in better shape," said Hampton, who the Steelers officially list on their roster at 325 pounds. "But my thing is the only way you can get into football shape is to play football. You can do all the running you want, know what I mean? You can have a guy do the run test and be the best run-test guy and he can't play football, so it doesn't matter."

Tomlin does have a reputation of running a somewhat more rigorous than necessary training camp, something that analysts believe may have contributed to the Steelers looking flat in the latter part of last season. And Casey Hampton is never really asked to run much in games so much as swallow up blockers in the middle of the offensive line. But that sort of analysis detracts from the copius fat jokes at our disposal. Ah, fat people. They're an endless source of humor and methane gas.  

[Picture credit: Drunkathlete.com]

Kansas football coach Mark Mangino has been the (ahem) butt of lighthearted t-shirts in Lawrence that broadcast such slogans as "Our Coach Beat Anorexia" and "Our Coach Is Phat."  But at least one Jayhawk doesn't like his spheroid of a coach denigrated in such a fashion.

"I guess everyone has a different sense of humor," said KU linebacker Mike Rivera… "Some things are funny to some people.  But sometime[s] you have to think about what other people feel."

Whoa whoa whoa.  Fat people have feelings?  I just figured all that blubber served as a protective buffer from the world.  Okay, okay, I'm sorry, fatties of the world.  How can I make it up to you?  Slice of deep-fried cake?

[Deadspin] 

A bicycle race in southern Illinois managed to capitalize on the rich cachet of America's omnipresent Tour de France coverage while still appealing to the assorted fatasses that sweat their way through life in the humid cornfields sprawling outward from the Mississippi.  Yes, the 20th annual Tour de Donut is a day-long road race in which competitors can cut five minutes off their time for every donut they eat.

Steve Striker of Edwardsville planned to eat at least 24 doughnuts. He was working on 20 doughnuts when he reached the Worden pit stop. "I don't think I'll make my goal. It's tough to hold it back now," Striker said as he was shoving five doughnuts into his mouth…

At noon, the cyclists were invited to join Staunton residents at their third annual Rib Cook-Off and Block Party in the park…

"There is a really good mixture of people here, with all races of bikes," Jerry Kapp said. [And at least one race of people. -Ed.] … Kapp said he almost skipped the race because of the smell of barbecue floating through the air, but he went ahead and completed the tour first.

I went to high school a stone's throw down Route 4 from Staunton, so I can personally verify that this is all very real.  People in southern Illinois are powered by donuts, barbecue, and Budweiser.  Being a fatass is a way of life there.  So of course I was an outcast.  They hated my buns of steel and single chin.

[Deadspin] 

The Sun UK notes that former heavyweight champ and current heavyweight Mike Tyson was "getting it on," as the kids say, in a swanky London Club with Big Brother (UK) cast-off Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace.  For those not in the know, the British version of Big Brother is just like the American one, except people watch it.  But reality TV whores know no national boundaries, so it's no surprise that Aisleyne's job these days seems to be wearing a bikini.  Often without a top (NSFW link, for those with reading comprehension problems). NOTE: Plenty more SFW Aisleyne HERE.

A source who saw the couple canoodling told us: "Mike had two enormous bouncers flanking the table and proceeded to snog the ear, neck and mouth of his date….who was Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace. They stayed until after 3am, working their way through a bottle of Cristal."

After the two left, the tough guy from Brookyln bought Aisleyne a rose, before they jumped in a car together and disappeared into the night.

In case anyone's forgotten, Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist with rampant drug and alcohol problems who looks like this.  His entire life is basically a big FUCK YOU for every responsible decision you're ever made.  Enjoy your mortgage, sucker.

[The Angry T] 

Japanese sumo wrestler Toyozakura Toshiaki has been punished with a 30% pay cut for three months after officials learned that he had beaten an apprentice with a ladle, resulting in eight stitches for the 18-year-old victim.  Yes, a ladle.  I imagine it's never far from his reach.  Because he eats with it.  He's fat, you see.

Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head.

"I asked him to do something, which I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it," Toyozakura said.

Naomi Campbell, is that you? 

Violent hazing, or beating during training, has long been seen as customary [in sumo], contributing to the sport's struggle to attract new recruits. But there was a public outcry over the death last year of a teenage apprentice who was beaten with a beer bottle and a baseball bat.

Ah, jeez.  First they come for your bats and bottles, next thing you know your ladles are gone.  Pretty soon they'll have to punish apprentices with video of the Japanese version of We Are The World.

[FanHaus]