Former No. 1 draft pick and current fatass JaMarcus Russell has the entire world on which to graze now. The quarterback was just released by the Oakland Raiders. I guess he wasn’t interested in playing nose tackle.

The decision comes less than two weeks after Oakland acquired Jason Campbell from Washington to take over at quarterback.

Russell will now likely be considered the biggest draft bust in NFL history. He will have been paid more than $39 million by the Raiders, while producing only seven wins as a starter. –the monolith.

Dollar-for-dollar, yeah, nobody can touch JaMarcus. However, and I’ve said this before, he might have also been the worst No. 1 overall in NFL history. Worse than Tim Couch? Clearly. Worse than Tony Mandarich? I would make that argument, especially since Mandarich at least had some semblance of a college career. Russell started for, what, one year? At least Russell will have some time to put things in perspective, at least until the Bengals sign him next week.

This is Donna Simpson, and she is fat. In fact, she’s efforting to become the heaviest woman ever. She already weighs somewhere around six bills, but she’s still engorging in cake, sushi and donuts to make a push for history. And you, dear reader, can have a front-row seat for all the calorie packing.

She runs her own website where people pay to watch her eat, or see her wash her huge body.
The cash helps fund the family’s $750 a week food shop, which Miss Simpson carries out in her mobility scooter.

That website’s subscribers reportedly earn her a monthly income of £2,000 a month ($3033 US). And to think that I’ve been typing on this site like a schlep.

“I’d love to be 1,000lb,” she said. “It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down.” –Telegraph (UK)

Yeah, exercise is a real bitch like that. I hope that this becomes a movie, just so we can enjoy a five-minute eating montage. And I want Simon Pegg to play Donna while wearing a fat suit. It’ll be like “Big Momma’s House,” but for white people. And actually funny. Thanks to Jack for the heads-up.>

ASYLUM POLL: Would you like to see Donna Simpson reach 1,000 pounds? Be honest…

We’ve already made a case for Andy Reid, who couldn’t manage a clock if it was jammed into a serving of chicken marsala. But here are four other coaches, college and pro, who have come up short in their respective 2009 campaigns.

Eric Mangini, Cleveland Browns. Some people can step into a new organization and sling their dick anywhere they want, because as long as the team wins, they’re cool. But unlike Josh McDaniels in Denver–who was taking over an underperforming playoff-caliber team, Mangini hasn’t delivered the results that were expected from such dickery, and he’s likely to be a one-and-done coach as the Browns seem to be heading backward. Again.

2009 Wins: One, a 6-3 puntfest against Buffalo. And Buffalo sucks.

Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. The man who brought “FUPA” into the blogger lexicon, Weis might be the only coach in America with a signature loss, the Bush Push game in 2005. Weis was expected to have a chance to run the table in 2009, but he’s already lost three games (including losing to Navy at home on Saturday) with three to play.

2009 Wins: Six, with only two (Nevada, Washington State) by more than seven points.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan. Charlie Weis with about half the calories. This is the only guy that would leave the Maize-and-Blue faithful pining for the days of Lloyd Carr. DickRod and Michigan seem to fit like OJ Simpson and those gloves, but with all the money they’re paying that guy, one might expect for this divorce to be even bloodier.

2009 Wins: Five, with all but one (Indiana) against non-conference teams, including a 63-6 drubbing of Delaware State. Awesome.

ASYLUM POLL: Who’s the worst coach in all of football today?

The Knicks’ Eddy Curry is listed at 285 pounds, but bloggers-in-the-know claim his real weight is probably closer to 325, or what Shaq aspires to get down to one day.

But exactly how fat is Eddy Curry?  Since the numbers seem to lie, let’s go with anecdotal evidence:

Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physio-ball during a break from Monday’s practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Yes, poor Eddy Curry.  Paid millions of dollars to stay in shape, when all he wants to do is eat.  What a miserable existence!

For the record, I would pay sixty dollars to have video of this event.  Twice as much if the rest of the team got around him and started making fat jokes.  I’ve always been a fan of, “You went to the hospital for a blood transfusion, and they had to hold a gravy drive.”

“Tommy [Brady] gave me some advice from firsthand experience,” Weis said. “He told me, for about a week, you’ll be struggling. After that, it gets better.”

Ummm… Brady’s knee injury was just a week ago, yes?  Maybe he’s not quite the expert here.  And I don’t quite see the comparison between Brady’s knee and Weis’s.  Weis’s knees are under a helluva lot of duress every day.  They’re the Atlas of hinge joints.  Probably looking for any excuse for a break from holding up that planet of an ass.

[The Sporting Blog]

On the heels of entertaining (or at least competent) halftime performances by Prince and Tom Petty, the NFL has reportedly lined up Bruce Springsteen to play the intermission at Super Bowl XLIII next February.

Super Bowl XLIII on Feb. 1 in Tampa will feature Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, sources said. "He was just confirmed," a spy added. "Little Stevie (Van Zandt) has already rented out the Hard Rock Café for a party." A Boss rep didn't return calls or e-mails.

Oh man.  I hope they realize what they've done.  Halftime's gonna last three hours now.  And that's before he plays five encores. 

Seriously though, I hope this is true.  Before Petty was announced last year the big rumor was that the Eagles would play.  I don't care how you feel about "Born in the U.S.A.", at least part of it is about Marines dying at Khe Sanh.  I'll take that over fucking "Witchy Woman" eight days a week.