We’ve already made a case for Andy Reid, who couldn’t manage a clock if it was jammed into a serving of chicken marsala. But here are four other coaches, college and pro, who have come up short in their respective 2009 campaigns.
Eric Mangini, Cleveland Browns. Some people can step into a new organization and sling their dick anywhere they want, because as long as the team wins, they’re cool. But unlike Josh McDaniels in Denver–who was taking over an underperforming playoff-caliber team, Mangini hasn’t delivered the results that were expected from such dickery, and he’s likely to be a one-and-done coach as the Browns seem to be heading backward. Again.
2009 Wins: One, a 6-3 puntfest against Buffalo. And Buffalo sucks.
Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. The man who brought “FUPA” into the blogger lexicon, Weis might be the only coach in America with a signature loss, the Bush Push game in 2005. Weis was expected to have a chance to run the table in 2009, but he’s already lost three games (including losing to Navy at home on Saturday) with three to play.
2009 Wins: Six, with only two (Nevada, Washington State) by more than seven points.
Rich Rodriguez, Michigan. Charlie Weis with about half the calories. This is the only guy that would leave the Maize-and-Blue faithful pining for the days of Lloyd Carr. DickRod and Michigan seem to fit like OJ Simpson and those gloves, but with all the money they’re paying that guy, one might expect for this divorce to be even bloodier.
2009 Wins: Five, with all but one (Indiana) against non-conference teams, including a 63-6 drubbing of Delaware State. Awesome.
ASYLUM POLL: Who’s the worst coach in all of football today?
The Knicks’ Eddy Curry is listed at 285 pounds, but bloggers-in-the-know claim his real weight is probably closer to 325, or what Shaq aspires to get down to one day.
But exactly how fat is Eddy Curry? Since the numbers seem to lie, let’s go with anecdotal evidence:
Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physio-ball during a break from Monday’s practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene.
Yes, poor Eddy Curry. Paid millions of dollars to stay in shape, when all he wants to do is eat. What a miserable existence!
For the record, I would pay sixty dollars to have video of this event. Twice as much if the rest of the team got around him and started making fat jokes. I’ve always been a fan of, “You went to the hospital for a blood transfusion, and they had to hold a gravy drive.”
“Tommy [Brady] gave me some advice from firsthand experience,” Weis said. “He told me, for about a week, you’ll be struggling. After that, it gets better.”
Ummm… Brady’s knee injury was just a week ago, yes? Maybe he’s not quite the expert here. And I don’t quite see the comparison between Brady’s knee and Weis’s. Weis’s knees are under a helluva lot of duress every day. They’re the Atlas of hinge joints. Probably looking for any excuse for a break from holding up that planet of an ass.
On the heels of entertaining (or at least competent) halftime performances by Prince and Tom Petty, the NFL has reportedly lined up Bruce Springsteen to play the intermission at Super Bowl XLIII next February.
Super Bowl XLIII on Feb. 1 in Tampa will feature Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, sources said. "He was just confirmed," a spy added. "Little Stevie (Van Zandt) has already rented out the Hard Rock Café for a party." A Boss rep didn't return calls or e-mails.
Oh man. I hope they realize what they've done. Halftime's gonna last three hours now. And that's before he plays five encores.
Seriously though, I hope this is true. Before Petty was announced last year the big rumor was that the Eagles would play. I don't care how you feel about "Born in the U.S.A.", at least part of it is about Marines dying at Khe Sanh. I'll take that over fucking "Witchy Woman" eight days a week.
Brewers co-ace CC Sabathia wanted to send a message of thanks to the fans of his former team, the Cleveland Indians. And because the average baseball fan is 60-years-old, which jibes nicely with the demographics of the typical newspaper reader, it made sense to pay $12,870 to couch that benevolent gesture as a black-and-white ad inside today's Cleveland Plain Dealer sports section.
It's from the Sabathias — CC, his wife, Amber, and their children — thanking the community for 10 very good years.
"You've touched our lives with your kindness, love and generosity. We are forever grateful!" reads the copy in the $12,870 black-and-white ad.
"Also, the complimentary cocktail wienies in the clubhouse were superb. Couldn't have been more savory. And when fans pelted me with popcorn when I was struggling in the early part of the season? Well, they only threw the saltiest, more flavorful kernels. And, for that, thanks!"
Steelers Pro Bowl nose tackle Casey Hampton goes by the nickname of "Big Snack," which may give you an idea to how he spends his time. (Hint: garbage bags full of chicken gristle play a sizable role). When he arrived this past weekend at Steelers training camp unable to do a few running exercises, practice hard case Mike Tomlin stuck him on PUP list, which is sadly short on dessert options.
Tomlin placed Hampton on the physically unable to perform (PUP) list after watching him labor through five of a required eight 100-yard jogs that were part of the players' conditioning test their first day at Saint Vincent College in Latrobe.
"He wasn't able to finish the test," Tomlin said. "He's overweight and he's not conditioned enough to participate at this point."
Tomlin said when he determines Hampton is in shape, he'll take him off the PUP list and allow him to practice.
"I could be in better shape," said Hampton, who the Steelers officially list on their roster at 325 pounds. "But my thing is the only way you can get into football shape is to play football. You can do all the running you want, know what I mean? You can have a guy do the run test and be the best run-test guy and he can't play football, so it doesn't matter."
Tomlin does have a reputation of running a somewhat more rigorous than necessary training camp, something that analysts believe may have contributed to the Steelers looking flat in the latter part of last season. And Casey Hampton is never really asked to run much in games so much as swallow up blockers in the middle of the offensive line. But that sort of analysis detracts from the copius fat jokes at our disposal. Ah, fat people. They're an endless source of humor and methane gas.
[Picture credit: Drunkathlete.com]
