Yesterday 289 sent me the link to what is undoubtedly the best way to spend $300 ever: this grandiose fantasy football trophy. It’ll look great on your mantle next to the bronzed phallus you got for Masturbator 
of the Year.
Celebrate your flag football or fantasy football championship in style with the Ultimate Fantasy Football Trophy ($300 and up). Handcrafted from solid wood in designs resembling the Super Bowl trophy, these unique awards can be customized with the commissioner’s signature, roman numerals, Swarovski crystals, and more.
That’s right, $300 is the starting price. Want side panel wood? $399. Commissioner’s signature — how could you go without that? That makes it $499. And what fantasy football trophy is complete without Swarovski crystals? $599 and up, my friend.
If you’ve got that kind of money and you’re thinking about spending it on a fantasy trophy, definitely get a hooker instead, because you sleeping with a woman is a rarer event than winning your fantasy league championship.
A Florida man upset about points in a fantasy football league was arrested after he allegedly branded a knife and threatened to kill his roommate. What a shame. Fantasy football is only supposed to make you want to kill NFL players. (Seriously, T.J. Houshmandzadeh: put some points up this week or get stabbed.)
According to a report from the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office, Chester Marcial “Chet” Ward, of the 4500 block of Duncan Road in Punta Gorda, allegedly sliced pages in the book his roommate was reading before holding a knife to his roommate’s neck and threatening to kill him…
The report stated Ward resisted arrest and even struck an officer’s hands before running across Duncan Road to escape arrest. As he ran away from the residence, Ward was Tasered by another deputy, and was then handcuffed.
I think we need to know the whole story here. Like, for example, did he lose because he benched Brett Favre? Because that would probably make it justified. People need to understand that fantasy football enthusiasts are dangerous. They’re like wounded wild animals. They’re in a lot of pain, and unless you’ve got extra tranq darts, the safest thing to do is get far, far away.
Last month, we took a look at Wives Against Fantasy Sports, the collection of humorless control freaks who called themselves “widows” because they had lost their husbands to that hot little skank called fantasy football.
A site called MomLogic has finally caught wind of WAFS — apparently, they’re not avid readers of With Leather — and while their take has a better sense of reality, they still have complaints:
• “Fantasy sports players are basically Dungeons and Dragons dorks, only dressed like jocks. When my husband is trying to ‘work a trade,’ he concentrates incredibly hard. In fact, I’m sure he thinks he’s qualified to manage a real-life team now! Although it can be really annoying, I actually think it’s kind of funny.”
• “There are times when my guy actually prefers to check his stats than have sex. Several times, I’ve had to pry him away from the computer to get some attention. And when one sports season ends, another one begins. It’s non-stop.”
Ugh. That last thing is probably the worst thing about being in a relationship. Women. Always wanting attention and trying to have sex with me. Leave me alone, harpy! I’m trying to figure out if Aaron Rodgers for Plaxico Burress is a beneficial trade!
Sexiest draft ever? Sexiest. Draft. Ever.
About once a week I beg readers to NOT send me any top ten lists. It’s a boring, tired conceit that’s basically just a shortcut for actually writing. It’s usually a couple hours until the next top ten list gets submitted.
So, fine. I give up. Here’s a top ten list that doesn’t completely suck: 10 Ways to Make Fun of Other Owners in Your Fantasy Football League This Week. I like this one because I own Darren Sproles:
2. Email Some Pictures To LaDainian Tomlinson Owners
We’re not saying that LT has hit the wall quite yet, but emailing his owner a few photos of guys like Shaun Alexander and Priest Holmes with the subject of “What Do These Guys And LT Have In Common?” might not go over too well.
Maybe I’m a lame old man or something, but do people really trash-talk in fantasy football leagues? We have fun in my league, but it’s pretty respectful and tame. Like, I’m already playing pretend football games with statistics on the Internet. Is talking trash about that really going to make me feel better?
If you have any Redskins in the starting lineup of your fantasy football team, well, you’re screwed (Yeah, Clinton Portis, too. Actually, especially Portis). But the ‘Skins at least have proven to be quite amusing when they hold a fantasy draft of their own. Not sure which moment I like best: When Cooley calls Colt Brennan’s selection of LenDale White gay, that Smoot calls Tom Brady “Timmy” or Chris Cooley calls Sean Suisham “Sean Shazam”. Nope, gotta go with the fact that the girls are actually excited that they got Peyton Manning. That’s a first.
[The Sporting Blog; Kissing Suzy Kolber; Sports Crackle Pop]
Let's do the math on this one:
Q: John Kruk in a leather vest + Bronson Arroyo on guitar + Peter Gammons looking like Michael Caine's character in Children of Men + Billy the Marlin looking at cheerleader ass + KEYTAR! = ?
A: What. The. Hell?
