Now’s your chance to make me and the rest of the UPROXX family look as dumb as these women cheering for Indianapolis in cowboy hats and short-pants — October’s weekend of free fantasy football through our friends at Draftstreet. We’ve been doing this for a while now and I’ve never finished higher than the low-70s, so it’s a great opportunity to win money and make a semi-reputable, sorta-popular sports blogger look like hot garbage. I guess I didn’t get this job because I know stuff about sports.

Anyway, here’s the RULES AND HYPE paragraph, in case you haven’t played with us before:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

I’m going to study and try hard (and get someone else to draft my team) so I can win this thing this time. We’re going to have reps from here, Warming Glow, Kissing Suzy Kobler and the UPROXX main page (as of now) playing along, so sign up and draft your team now to find out next Tuesday whether you’re better than me, a short-legged dog, a fictional version of Peter King and the Workaholics guys (note: Workaholics guys are not playing, to my knowledge).

Help us out! PLAY OUR THING!

Click the link to make the picture bigger. She isn’t wearing pants! Just kidding, I’m a greeting card writer by day and YOU’VE JUST SIGNED UP FOR FREE FANTASY FOOTBALL THROUGH DRAFTSTREET. Enjoy winning $250, sucker!

But no, seriously, every month now we give you a chance to win a little cash from these guys, and if you aren’t playing along with us each time, you should be. Draftstreet literally gives you cash money just to know about them, and they give you a fun little salary cap micro-managing game that takes a few seconds and could win you more than I make all day. If you like football, fantasy sports, or our UPROXX© brand webpage, help us out. The explanation blurb:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

And as an added bonus, you get to tell your friends how badly you murdered me. Seriously, I have Colt McCoy on my team. What am I thinking? The game starts on 10/16 and includes Monday night, so sign-up, log in and get your team ready. Let me know who you pick and why in the comments section, so I can finish in the top 100 (at least) next time.

Unless you want this Godless thing tearing through your cheerleader dreams to haunt your nightmares you’ll sign up for our free fantasy football game through Draftstreet.com. I don’t really know what one thing has to do with the other, but I’m no theologian, and I’m going to threaten you with it anyway.

If free money for doing almost nothing isn’t enough (it is seriously free money, why aren’t you doing this) I’m playing, and I challenge you — yes, challenge you — to defeat me. My newfound Texans fan powers will lead my running back, Arian Foster, to 400 carries for over 8,000 yards this week. Hopefully that’ll make up for my quarterback, because I used all my money on Foster and ended up drafting Jake Plummer. Whoops!

Our Explanation Blurb™, in case you haven’t read it:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

It’s easy as hell, and I drafted my team in about 40 seconds before posting this. Uh, maybe that’s why I never win. But I still could win, and that’s awesome. The game happens on 10/16 and includes the Monday game, so go ahead and do this immediately. And remember, participation gets you

1. Free money
2. No Spongebob nightmares
3. The ability to laugh at me thinking Jake Plummer still plays football
4. Fame and fortune (on the Internet)

Do you like football? Do you like beautiful women? Then play the latest installment of our free fantasy football game through DraftStreet and prove it. I don’t believe you like either thing until you play this.

We’ve done a couple of freerolls already this season, cementing me as one of the worst fantasy football players of all time — in the first game I finished 72nd overall, and in the second I finished a number so high I’m unable to count it. I’m sure to make up for it with this week’s team, where I draft Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson, Mario Williams and James Harrison.

Here’s how it works:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

Sign up, tell your friends, tell your girlfriends, get your parents to sign up and try to win them some money. Christmas is coming up, and you can buy a lot of presents with a big chunk of $250. My birthday is coming up too (in January), and apparently I could really use a book about who is and isn’t good at football.

After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

Read the rest of this entry »

Victoria’s Secret With Leather and Draftstreet.com would like to remind you this game will soon be over. Round two of our one-weekend fantasy football contest, the same contest that lets you win money from a $250 cash pool by putting in zero and about a minute and a half of clicking, goes down this weekend. If you haven’t signed up to play, you should do that, because it’s fun, and because I’m about as good at it as Adriana Lima is at legitimately throwing a football.

In case you missed it last time:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams.

So sign up as quickly as possible and draft your team. Personally, I’m drafting everyone I can from the Indianapolis Colts. They’re due! Yes, I draft teams like Krusty the Klown paces bets.

But no, seriously, sign up, play, and drop us a comment here to let us know how you finished. Last time I finished in 72nd place and won no money, but hey, I’ve also spent no money. Those are great odds.