I’m often loathe to give any sort of merit to fantasy football here, even though I’m in an embarrassingly high number of leagues this year. But even though I will listen to you break down your fantasy rosters and keeper systems for hours on end, I realize that everyone else’s tolerance for such chicanery is much much smaller. So here goes:
Do not, under any circumstances, draft Michael Vick.
For the fantasy masses, the persistent Vick coverage [in the media] is the reason why he’s owned in a ridiculous 30 percent of Y! Plus formats. Nostalgic owners drafting the artist formerly known as Ron Mexico are hoping he can recapture the statistical prowess that propelled him to three top-10 QB seasons in 2002, 2005 and 2006.[...]
When Vick officially reaches full reinstatement after Week 6, his value will largely be undeterminable due to the gadget manner in which Marty Mornhinweg plans to utilize his services. –Brad Evans
To recap, almost a third of people paying to play fantasy football on Yahoo! DRAFTED A BACKUP QUARTERBACK. That’s unreal, and that’s all Vick is at this point, regardless of what he’s getting paid or how the team intends to use him. He’s like a non-denominational Sage Rosenfels. And yeah, he was drafted in one of my leagues last night. I won’t say who it was, but frankly I expected better.
Anthony Giaccone and Henry Olszewski are insurance brokers at Long Island’s Intermarket Insurance Agency, Inc. And they officially are also the greatest inventors ever, having crafted a way for fantasy football owners to take out insurance policies on their star players. Where were these guys last year when I had Tom Brady?! Actually, that Brady injury in Week 1 of last year was the very impetus behind what is now FantasySportsInsurance.com.
Before the first weekend of the NFL season, the fantasy owner selects the player he wishes to insure — let’s say it’s his top pick, Peyton Manning of Indianapolis. He then enters his league entry fee ($250 for this scenario, though FSI offers claims up to $1,000), transaction fees ($0), and money spent on additional expenses, like magazines and online subscriptions ($15).
FSI then determines the cost of the policy based on those numbers, with every top-50 player — from the chronically-injured Steven Jackson of the St. Louis Rams to the Atlanta Falcons’ relatively sturdy Michael Turner. In this case, insuring Mr. Manning for a 15-game fantasy season would cost $29.87. For just under $30, an owner who loses Mr. Manning to injury for 10 of his 15 fantasy games would recoup the entire $265 he spent on his fantasy team from FSI. And he could still replace the star quarterback with a waiver-wire pickup and salvage the season anyway. via.
Terrific. Now can I buy insurance that will bring me new friends if they decide I’m too obsessed with fantasy sports and they stop talking to me? Eh, I’m only kidding. Like I have any friends… Thanks, flubby.
Yesterday 289 sent me the link to what is undoubtedly the best way to spend $300 ever: this grandiose fantasy football trophy. It’ll look great on your mantle next to the bronzed phallus you got for Masturbator 
of the Year.
Celebrate your flag football or fantasy football championship in style with the Ultimate Fantasy Football Trophy ($300 and up). Handcrafted from solid wood in designs resembling the Super Bowl trophy, these unique awards can be customized with the commissioner’s signature, roman numerals, Swarovski crystals, and more.
That’s right, $300 is the starting price. Want side panel wood? $399. Commissioner’s signature — how could you go without that? That makes it $499. And what fantasy football trophy is complete without Swarovski crystals? $599 and up, my friend.
If you’ve got that kind of money and you’re thinking about spending it on a fantasy trophy, definitely get a hooker instead, because you sleeping with a woman is a rarer event than winning your fantasy league championship.
Apparently, there’s a million-dollar fantasy football league out there on Wall Street. So sayeth The Wall Street Journal (via FanNation), whose reporting on draft strategy hasn’t quite measured up to their reporting on grain futures. Where are our priorities, people?
According to one league member who declined to be identified, the participants have decided not to expand beyond 10 teams, and there’s a waiting list to get in. “We’re not trying to exclude people,” the person said. “It’s just boys being boys.” [...]
According to two participants and several business associates of league members, each of its 10 teams pays $100,000 to enter. The winner takes home a grand prize of $600,000, with $300,000 going to the second-place finisher and $100,000 for third place. These sums dwarf the typical pot for a fantasy football league, where each member antes up somewhere between $250 and $500 and the winner’s prize rarely exceeds $3,000.
Participants say the winnings are donated to charity. The top three finishers choose which philanthropies receive their prize money.
What the ballsack? Top three get paid? What kind of pinko league is that? No wonder the markets are in shambles right now. And who the hell are these “typical owners” putting up $500 each? That seems awfully expensive for drafting Antonio Gates in the second round.
I may be a fantasy football novice, but I definitely understand the importance of finding a good sleeper pick. And I think this is the year Ron Dayne finally breaks out. He just needed 7 years to get a feel for the NFL is all. Kinda like me and undoing bra clasps. Nah, just kidding. That took me nine years.
The first version of this LeBron James/Nike spoof appeared today on a KSK post that railed against Brady Quinn's holdout. After that it appeared on Deadspin, at which point our main man 289 doctored it up to show why Charlie Frye has that particular expression on his face. (And if 289 thinks he's getting paid for this post, he is gravely mistaken.)
Anyway, the point is… well, there isn't a point, really. But there's nothing else going on, I thought it was funny, and it seemed a good way to mention that (a) tonight is my first fantasy football draft ever, and (b) I shall never mention my fantasy football team on this site ever again. However, since I'm woefully under-prepared and have no idea what I'm doing, I thought I'd open up the comments for any suggestions you might have for me. Please make all sarcasm obvious, lest I take the Texans' defense with my first pick.
