According to the hip kids on my street that I pay to not steal my packages from Amazon, singer and woman who has voluntarily dated Chris Brown multiple times, Rihanna, recently canceled some of her concerts on her latest tour because she hasn’t been feeling well. However, as I have dabbled in garage medical practice in the past, the best cure for pop singer fatigue has always been going to Miami Heat playoff games.
Rihanna sat courtside with her friend during last night’s Heat blowout of the Milwaukee Bucks, and just look at how edgy and in-your-face they were with their white Heat sunglasses and cunnilingus finger poses. Kids these days.
Barring a miracle, the Miami Heat will win the NBA Championship. That’s reality, folks. Of the 30 teams down 3-1 in NBA Finals history, a whopping zero of them have pulled off the come-from-behind. That puts the Oklahoma City Thunder’s chances at roughly zilch with a 1% margin of error. However, that 1% would require Scott Brooks to start coaching like he belongs in the Finals and the rest of the Thunder to forget about the refs and man up.
Those fans down in South Florida are a special breed. I know, I grew up down there and had to deal with it all for far longer than I would have liked. They’re obnoxiously devoted, despite the fact that some of them will jump ship at the first sign of losing. The Heat aren’t losing, though, and that means those fans are about to be louder than ever, because they just don’t care what the haters think.
We just have put on our white sunglasses and deal with them. Who are they, you ask? Let’s take a look.
Video is popping up everywhere of the brazen Miami Heat “fan” who wore his brand new LeBron James jersey to Wednesday night’s Cleveland Indians game at Progressive Field. From what we originally saw, this humble and inconspicuous young man was trying to find his seats in the left field bleachers with his girlfriend, when the crowd reacted poorly to his choice of attire. He was then removed from his seats, thus creating the world’s most polarizing argument since evolution vs. creationism – How dare they remove him because of his clothes?
It turns out that this gentleman, Matt Bellamy, was probably in the wrong seats, and he had probably been in the wrong seats in various sections of the stadium. Shocking, we know, that after all of this he was possibly just looking for attention. Cleveland Frowns blogger Peter Pattakos caught up with Bellamy in the concourse and filled in some background information, and Bellamy is everything we expected.
One underreported fact about Bellamy is that he was wearing a Buckeyes hat. He told me that he was born in Lakeland, Florida but moved to Sandusky when his parents divorced when he was 11. Wendy confirmed that they were from Sandusky. Bellamy also said he worked in a factory in Sandusky (Ed. – queue Tommy Boy jokes).
Wendy also told me that Bellamy had a four-inch scar on the back of his head from having been mugged and pistol-whipped somewhere in Sandusky. When I asked him why he wore the jersey, he told me that he’d live down in Florida if he could figure out a way to make it happen, and understands why LeBron would do the same. “[Eff] the haters,” he said.
First, the Ohio State hat clearly gives him away as a fake Heat fan. If he were a real Heat fan he would have been throwing up the U hand signs, repping the Miami Hurricanes like a true South Florida street-tough, suburban white kid.
Second, as I live in and sadly understand Central Florida and its people, if he is a Heat fan, he became one in 2006, and spent the last three years telling people that he was a Cleveland Cavaliers fan because it was the cool thing to do. And I’m also willing to bet that in the 2008-09 NBA Finals he told people, “I’m from Lakeland, I’ve been an Orlando Magic fan my whole life.” Then again, he probably owns a Kobe Bryant jersey, too.
I heaped praise at his young lady friend yesterday for being so seemingly cool during this mess. Sadly, it turns out she can only take so much.