My apologies for the sudden upswing in college stories involving horny coeds, but the masses have been demanding more college news and I am here to deliver. The latest in downright stunning revelations is that – and brace yourselves for this – young college girls with no money are apparently trying to find wealthier older men to be their “sugar daddies”. I mean, can you even? What do you think about this, Nicki Minaj?

My thoughts exactly.

But don’t be too shocked, because as much as these attractive young ladies are basically looking to sell their dignities to the devil for some spending money, the rich, old men are lining up to pay them for it. In fact, the website SeekingArrangement.com, which caters to both parties in this sordid equation by bringing them together, has some statistics that may very well blow your minds.

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Back in 2011, when we were all a little younger and more precious, I did a little digging to answer an age-old question from people who aren’t Los Angeles Lakers fans – “Hey, who’s that old dude who dresses like a blind cowboy?” The answer, of course, was James Goldstein and the question was raised after he showed up to a game with that lovely young lady above. We also learned that her name is Amalie Wichmann, and she is a Danish model who is quite pleasant to look at. Even Bill Clinton agrees. And now that we’re all caught up, we can check in to see what both of them have been up to this week.

Oh, look at that, they went to another Lakers game together. Damn it, Jimmy Goldstein is awesome.

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The good thing about Kate Upton getting famous enough to do real, non-Sports Illustrated modeling is that we’ll get to see her throughout the year, and not just when SI gets around to saying, “okay, this month we’re putting sand on ladies’ boobs and calling it a swimsuit.” The bad thing about Kate getting “real” modeling jobs is that she has to look like a lifeless plastic doll 90% of the time, and be accompanied by little guys with ‘Boardwalk Empire’ haircuts who may or may not be DJ Qualls.

Take, for example, Kate’s latest shoot for V Magazine, which comes accompanied by the worst shoot description in the history of modeling:

SHE ONLY DOES IT IN THE AFTERNOONS. EMBODYING BUÑUEL’S BORED, BOURGEOIS BEAUTY, THE AMPLE UPTON UNDRESSES IN STYLE. WHILE THE CAT’S AWAY, THE MOUSE WILL PLAY

Jesus Christ. After this issue of V, the shoot’s going straight to Sundance!

So yeah, the good news here is that Kate Upton looks great in old-timey underwear. The bad news is that, as far as I can tell, she had to take the photos while Gollum was trying to attack her and steal the Precious.

Shoot is after the jump.

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For the first time in who’s even counting anymore, the NHL and NHLPA met to discuss a new collective bargaining agreement, and they were so serious about it that they met two whole times. And today they’re actually going to meet for a third time, so you know that they might be really serious about finding a happy medium on revenue sharing and pensions, and ending this ridiculous lockout once and for all. But since I don’t really know a lot about all the legal whatchamacallits and thingamajigs, let’s talk about Paul Bissonnette and his yoga instructor instead.

One of the biggest things that has been pissing me off about this whole stupid lockout was that I was supposed to be able to interview the 27-year enforcer, who has become quite the entertaining and controversial personality on Twitter, at the beginning of the season. Obviously, that didn’t happen (yet), but I would have probably asked him a starter question like, “So hockey, that’s pretty cool, right?” and before he could even answer I would scream, “WHO IS THAT WOMAN?”

We’d be best bros after that.

UPDATE: I’m late to the party, but she’s Amy Lynn Grover. She offers a yoga for athletes program, as well as great healthy recipes. That’s why I’m viewing her website.

If you can get past that whole “They’ll stab you if you look at them wrong” vibe that they carry so well, Oakland Raiders fans are a pretty fascinating bunch. For starters, they put up with so much, from years of inept ownership and horrible decision-making to, well, that pretty much says it all right there. But they’re a loyal crew, as they sit patiently through season-after-season of Darren McFadden injuries and porous defenses, while the Denver Broncos pile up wins around them. Hey, at least they aren’t Kansas City Chiefs fans, amiright guy with spikes all over his body?

Anyway, GQ recently sent reporter Lauren Bans to a Raiders game to embed herself in a crew of female Raiders fans that included women who refer to themselves as “Metal Cindy” and “Dre of the Dead”, among others. It’s a fantastic read, and I encourage you to check it out in between crying over poor gambling decisions today, but this is probably the most important excerpt…

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For some reason along the lines of “F*ck it, I was bored”, I was checking out celebrity birthdays yesterday and I noticed a strange coincidence about celebrity birthdays for today, December 18. Celebrating birthdays today are “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Rob Van Dam and Trish Stratus. They, of course, all share one main thing in common – those aren’t their real names. Oh, and I’ve also been told that they’re each professional wrestlers who had notable stints in the WWE. I’m still waiting on our fact-checking team to get back to me on that one.

Austin (Steven Anderson) turns 48 today and has since gone on to make forgettable films that I otherwise love, like the hilariously watchable The Condemned, and Knockout, in which Austin plays a janitor who – and I cannot make this up – mentors a bullied teen to fight back against the school’s boxing champion. Rob Van Dam (Robert Szatkowski) turns 42 today, and he also tried his hand at awful action films like Wrong Side of Town and Black Mask 2, but wisely returned to TNA, where he is currently the X Division champion.

As much as I have appreciated the wrasslin’ efforts of those gentlemen over the years, they’re just not as inspiring as Stratus (Patricia Stratigias) when it comes to putting together a little tribute like this one. I can’t really put my finger on it, but Stratus just has that certain something that makes it easier to concentrate. She was really good at what she did in the WWE, I think is the point that I’m trying to make, and some people have told me that she’s also attractive.

Again, the fact-checkers are hard at work on that one for me, too. In the meantime, please enjoy our tribute to the First Lady of Stratusfaction on her 37th birthday.

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