Seems like quite the prophetic photoshop now.

Cristiano Ronaldo is a world class athlete who is immensely wealthy and considered to be one of the most attractive men on the planet by women everywhere. So it’s no shocker that the Real Madrid superstar has once again found himself at the center of the tabloid gossip universe, this time amid rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend of three years, supermodel Irina Shayk.

At the center of this controversy, though, is an old friend of ours – Miss Bum Bum Brasil 2012 runner-up Andressa Urach. The same runner-up who spent the week after last year’s pageant on a boat, hooking up with the winner, Carine Felizardo. And now Urach claims that Ronaldo is “obsessed” with that runner-up butt, enough that they recently had sex in a hotel on the night before Real Madrid’s 4-1 UEFA Champions League semifinals loss to Borussia Dortmund.

But Ronaldo denies that it ever happened, according to a super serious Twitter statement.

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Forgive me, faithful With Leatherheads, for I have sinned. I saw this story loosely related to Reading Football Club the other day and whispered to myself ever so gently, “Hey, maybe throw up a post about those losers” before pouring myself into a bubble bath, but then I forgot because I’m old and stupid. Anyway, Reading is currently only three points better than Queens Park for dead last in the Barclays Premier League standings, so it’s safe to say that they’re not having the best season, at least on the field.

If I wanted to be an optimist, though, I’d say that Reading is only 48 points out of first place, but then I’d probably incite a soccer hooligan riot in the comments, because I never ever get soccer terminology right. That said, I’ll stick to what I know and what I know is that Reading is owned by 30-year old Anton Zingarevich, who is the son of Russian billionaire Boris Zingarevich. And if Jason Bourne and James Bond movies have taught me anything, it’s that Russian billionaires make all of their money by stealing oil pipelines from other billionaires.

So what does a few billion dollars buy a 30-year old? For starters, obviously, a professional soccer club. But much more importantly – since the club in question is awful – this status has also landed Anton a 23-year old wife named Katsia, who just so happens to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel, which is something that is obviously very important to me based on what interests me.

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For all of its pros and cons, Twitter is, at best, a valuable educational device. For example, on Saturday evening, a few of us took notice of a re-Tweet from our beloved Hall of Fame Celebrity Sports Fan of Every Year, Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model recognized a Russian girl named Ania, who Tweeted an image of herself paying tribute to Upton’s most recent SI cover, as you can see above. Then Twitter did its Twitter thing from there.

Within an hour, Ania’s follower count had jumped by several hundred, which is a little lower than unexpected, but I guess even the biggest Twitter pervs have an off-night. By this morning, the aspiring “mail order bride” was up to 1,362 followers, and she had already gone ahead and locked her account, only after she had openly Tweeted with Sports Illustrated and bragged about her “doppelganger” RT-ing her.

Ania’s 15 seconds of Twitter fame have come and gone, but I’d like to make a plea to our beloved Upton and all of the 18-and-up girls out there who aspire to be like her – let’s make Uptoning the new meme. Attractive girls everywhere can pick their favorite pictures of Kate and they can go out and recreate them. I can’t imagine there’s a single man out there who would object to this, and if there is, he should be monitored by the government because he’s probably Al Qaeda.

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One of the best perks of this gig, behind only working in my underwear and making Photoshops of Channing Tatum, is that people often send me very strange links, images and videos under the assumption that I’m into that kind of stuff. And they’re almost always right, because I love crazy sh*t. Then sometimes people also send me porn and it’s too strange, because it just is.

Right in the middle of that spectrum, though, is an email I received the other day from a reader who insisted I get hip to the world of “Hooping”. It seems that there is a whole world out there of competitive and freestyle hula hoops that I have never been even the slightest bit aware of, and it’s probably because I’m not a hippy. Specifically, I’m not a female hippy with dreadlocks. As always, though, I’m trying hard not to judge people, even when they follow up emails about competitive “Hooping” with hooping porn. But again, I’m not judging.

That said, my curiosity for hooping sent me on one of my classic YouTube and Tumblr journeys and I ended up falling into a wormhole that I almost never came out of. What I came back with is a collection of mostly SFW videos and GIFs that are downright hypnotic. Seriously, if this hooping thing is a cult, I could totally see how people could fall for it.

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Now that Danica Patrick has won the pole for the 2013 Daytona 500 this Sunday on Fox, the media can begin this season’s most common pre-race question: “Will Danica Patrick become the first woman to win the Daytona 500?” And then it will be asked at the next race, the race after that and so on, because until she wins a race, it will be the easiest question a NASCAR writer can write. Seriously, I could wake up, write it on a napkin, and sleep four more hours before I even had to be up for brunch at Hooters.

But over the past three months, a few people have been asking a much different and somewhat more intriguing question: “Can a woman hang with a NASCAR pit crew?” For as long as stock car racing’s grandest stage has existed, everything from the steering wheel to the impact wrench has belonged (mostly) to men, and as Patrick looks to change that on Sunday, another woman wants to change pit crews forever as well.

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My apologies for the sudden upswing in college stories involving horny coeds, but the masses have been demanding more college news and I am here to deliver. The latest in downright stunning revelations is that – and brace yourselves for this – young college girls with no money are apparently trying to find wealthier older men to be their “sugar daddies”. I mean, can you even? What do you think about this, Nicki Minaj?

My thoughts exactly.

But don’t be too shocked, because as much as these attractive young ladies are basically looking to sell their dignities to the devil for some spending money, the rich, old men are lining up to pay them for it. In fact, the website SeekingArrangement.com, which caters to both parties in this sordid equation by bringing them together, has some statistics that may very well blow your minds.

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