According to a new study published by the Centers for Disease (and eventually Teen Mom sex tape) Control, your local public pools are full of sh*t. Well, at least the pools in Atlanta are, because this CDC study was based on a series of tests performed on public pools in the matro-Atlanta area, and it was determined that 58 percent of the water samples contained what my 14-month old niece scientifically refers to as “POO POO!”

Now before you shun the pool altogether this summer, it’s important to remember that these results don’t necessarily mean that every little Edward and Katniss is running around dropping a D in the water. The nerds behind this study actually suggest that non-poopers like you and I may be responsible for this disgusting revelation and not even know it. We’re disgusting, bros.

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Obligatory Bryce Harper image.

Bryce Harper is a 20-year old baseball phenom with lucrative endorsement deals, one bitchin’ Mercedes and a lifetime supply of Chipotle. I’ve also been told by strippers that he’s very handsome, but that means very little to me because my mommy tells me I’m the most handsomest man in the world. Regardless, there is very little to feel bad about when it comes to Harper, especially since he took that above picture with Brittney Palmer and then people started rumors that they were dating, and that’s pretty much the best thing that could ever happen to anyone.

So when Harper missed the Washington Nationals’ 7-3 win against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, there was obviously some concern among fans for Harper’s health. But because more people in Washington DC are concerned with Harper’s health than they are about stupid crap like healthcare or crime, the local media was quick to report that it was just a simple, harmless ingrown toenail.

And then, because people apparently asked him to, Harper Tweeted the pic of his toe right after the nail was removed. I’d warn you that this is graphic, but I’ve posted about Jon Jones’ “dislocated toe” three times, so get ready for a boo-boo.

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Before the NBA Finals began, there was some talk about two adult film actresses who had pledged to perform oral sex on all of their combined Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the championship. I didn’t bother looking to see who the two starlets were, because I knew that they weren’t Kayden Kross or Andy San Dimas, so it didn’t matter to me. I mean, I was at church and I don’t know who those girls are or… whatever, it’s Friday.

The actual ladies in question are Angelina Castro and Sara Jay (semi-NSFW) – pictured above in their own crudely photoshopped tribute to the Heat – and according to their Tweets from last night, drop yo pants, fellas. And bring some Purell.

Ew. Everything about this. Just, ew.

I’d love to see the guys who show up to this, though. Real winners in that crowd, I’d expect. Probably wearing Mike Miller jerseys.

But I’m not one to crap on honest-to-goodness sports fans, so congrats, Sara Jay and Angelina Castro! Congrats, Miami Heat fans! Congrats, LeBron James and Chris Bosh! And congrats Centers for Disease Control!

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