Chael Sonnen is now three days away from his Light Heavyweight Championship match against Jon ‘Bones’ Jones at UFC 159. Yesterday, we shared the pre-fight conference call, wherein Chael eschewed his traditional spew of wordy hatred to lovingly cradle Jon Jones’ reputation in his arms and gently kiss its forehead. We wondered what was up with Chael, and reader Iron Mike Sharpie put it best when he said he reads Sonnen’s comments as, “Please don’t put me in a coma, okay?”

That overwhelming sense of “what the f**k are you doing” continued on SportsCenter, where an interview with Sonnen started with his totally normal white person request to touch the reporter’s hair and ended in a WWE-style promo so sing-songy it could’ve come from the mouth of The Rock himself. You know, if Rock could say that many words in a row without having to stop and catch his breath.

Here’s the clip. Warning: If you are Jon Jones, this is somehow going to make you even less scared.

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Update: Part 2 is now up. Check it out!

Back in September, we shared A Golden Treasury Of Cheesy Late-80s/Early-90s WWF Promo Photos, a collection of the best photos from pro wrestler 8x10s. If you missed that … yeah, you should click the link.

Anyway, I was never a WWF kid when I was growing up. I was born in southern Virginia and was raised on the National Wrestling Alliance — if you’re a WWF lifer, that means we had Ric Flair when you had Hulk Hogan — and eventually what the NWA became, World Championship Wrestling. You may remember WCW from its sudden, crazy popularity in the late 1990s when Hulk Hogan became a bad guy, Sting became The Crow and WWF put as many curse words and dick jokes on television as they could to combat it. Spoiler: the dick jokes won.

That said, WCW is still my favorite thing, and if I’m going to share the worst of WWF’s promo photos, I might as well dip into the endless well of embarrassment that is the WCW library. What follows is only part one of a series, because holy shit you will not believe some of these pictures.

Enjoy, and show this to everyone you’ve ever known.

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“Fiesta” your eyes on the Los IceHogs jersey, a special-occasion alternate for the AHL Chicago Blackhawks affiliate Rockford IceHogs. I’ve been trying to come up with an occasion that would require a hockey team to dress like that, and I’ve come up with two believable options:

1. IceHogs player John Marston purchased a safehouse in Nuevo Paraiso.

2. Corona is sponsoring a promotion, and there isn’t a huge hockey-loving Latino community in Rockford, Illinois, so instead of being “Hispanic Heritage Night” it’s just “Mexico”.

I mean, what’s next? Are they gonna give fans maracas? A special appearance by Dora The Explorer?

Shit.

It’s “Los IceHogs” night at the BMO Harris Bank Center! The first 2,500 fans into the building will get a Los IceHogs Maraca (one of four colors) compliments of Corona. The Hogs will also be wearing specialty jerseys that will be auctioned off.

I know I can be a little bleeding-heart about these things, but man. We’ve seen “los” jerseys in other sports with varying degrees of success (“Los Heat” is still pretty terrible), but did they have to give the Mexican IceHog a Cheech mustache? Did they have to put him in a sombrero? More importantly, did they also have to put the numbers on the backs of the jerseys in sombreros? This is an actual thing:

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I thought the summary for this video of newly-minted Los Angeles Laker Dwight Howard playing Pop-A-Shot with a kid during a shoe company-sponsored promotional tour of China would be pretty straight-forward (“here’s Dwight Howard doing a thing, everybody”), but I keep noticing funny things about it.

Firstly, it’s from the amazingly-named “funneyballchannel”. Secondly, the description for the YouTube video makes me feel like I just learned how to read. It’s like a basketball ransom collage.

kevin durant China Xi’an station basketball game full
Durant’s 2012 China trip casually connected into seven three-pointers
China performances overtime, Wu You hit shots, Kevin Durant missed lore ball
Really no solution! The Rondo exciting career assists Collection containing the Ten assists
Leisure! Rondo 2012 Taiwan Trip bullfighting with people in the streets
How
Dwight Howard China Shanghai Station

Thirdly, it’s funny enough when Howard starts “cheating” and swatting his opponent’s balls away, but what I love about it is that the kid doesn’t even seem to notice until like three shots have been blocked. I guess that’s how it goes when you’ve locked yourself into Pop-A-Shot greatness. Fourthly, is that the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing in the background? That’s the most surreal soundtrack to a Dwight Howard/Chinese kid arcade showdown ever.

Fifthly, Burnsy is busy for most of the day and doesn’t get to write about this. Sixthly, the follow-up video is Dwight doing shots and screaming I AM A PING PONG MASTAHHHH in a fake Chinese voice when he wins at table tennis:

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What you’re watching, should you be able to get through all 35 seconds without blacking out and waking up in the perfume section of a Dillard’s, is MLB (or approximately MLB) stars Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, Jose Bautista, Bryce Harper, career .205 hitter Ryan Vogelsong and a lady who I’m gonna guess is Mrs. Marucci introducing “Marucci Black”. They do so by taking turns saying “introducing”, then taking turns saying “Marucci Black”. The bat says “Marucci” up the side so hopefully that’s what they’re talking about. Apparently I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.

My favorite part, besides the random Overstock.com-looking woman, is how they’ve got a commercial starring Pujols, Ortiz and Bautista but the 19-year old with no Major League experience is the only one actually swinging the bat. All David Ortiz had to do was show up and say “introducing”. He didn’t even have to take off his glasses. Further investigation of the product reveals a weirdly racist ad campaign called “Beware of the Black” where the blonde from this commercial takes a porno camera crew out to abandoned houses and hotel rooms where she gets stalked by the phallic Marucci.

Thank goodness they’ve been introduced, now she’ll be able to identify him in a line-up.

[h/t to Mr. Irrelevant]

One of the things we love most here at the Uproxx Fortress of Porn Solitude is free porn a good meme. And when that meme combines with sports, well then we’re happier than a kitten with its head stuck in a can of Pringles. Unfortunately, this world is full of those stupid old people who don’t get jokes. What do we call them? Oh yeah, adults.

Kirtland High School laid a 49-7 spanking on Painesville Harvey in Ohio football action Friday night, and we would have never heard a word about it if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their no-good memes. After the game, a banner was displayed with the popular phrase “U Mad Bro?” as Painesville left the field. Nobody could possibly be mad about that, right?

Y U NO GET SARCASM???

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