One of the nice things about Europe, you know, aside from the fact that you could sit on your ass all day on the government’s dime, is that they don’t have the big stigma about alcohol. I blame the mothers of all the lightweight drinkers that die in car crashes. And the fact that our professional sports teams have never paid out bonuses in beer.

The Spanish players will each receive their weight in beer from sponsor Cruzcampo after winning Euro 2008 at Austria and Switzerland in June. Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina will be the happiest after tipping the scales at 95.6 kilograms (211 pounds). Villarreal winger Santi Cazorla is the lightest player on the squad at 70.4 kilograms (155 pounds).

The grand total? 1,742 liters for the 23 players on the roster – the equivalent of 5,200 bottles.

This is almost as sweet as the deal for the North Koreans, who were paid their weight in 14-year-old girls. And to think my uncle did time for having that same idea. No wonder he always had so much candy in his glove compartment.

[Machochip, via FOX Sports]

We close the book on the rain-soaked, freaky-ceremonied Euro 2008 tournament with a final round of congratulations to the Spaniards.  Inarguably the tourney's best team, Spain's European title will only add to the expectations piled on the shoulders of Cesc Fabregas and Fernando Torres at the 2010 World Cup.

And if a World Cup title means more Spaniards dancing around in their underwear and spraying champagne on each other, then I'd like to get in line for the bandwagon now.  Because if there's one thing I love, it's tight-bodied, champagne-soaked soccer players celebrating in their underwear.  Listen, it's not gay; they're just celebrating each other's athletic prowess.  Surely we can all appreciate that.

[The Sporting Blog] 

Euro 2008 – In capturing the country's first Euro title in 44 years, Spain vanquished all their long-held curses: winning on June 22, then winning with the unlucky yellow jerseys. Yesterday, in a game that was billed to be open and fast-paced, it turned out to be a fairly stolid affair almost entirely dominated by the Spaniards. Fernando Torres got the game's only goal with a forceful drive through Philipp Lahm, then deftly flicking it over German keeper Jens Lehmann. The German's Michael Ballack, whose status was questionable coming in, had to leave just before half with a bloody cut on his head. His injury prevented him for bolstering an anemic German attack. He'll just have to keep getting used to finishing second. Lehmann, who was tormented by Torres throughout the match and was a bit fortunate to only have given up one goal, announced his retirement afterwards. I hear they like retired Germans in Argentina.

MLB – The Cubs and the White Sox have now traded homefield sweeps in the same month. The Sox completed theirs at The Cell last night with a 5-1 win in which all their runs coming via the long ball. The all-time series remains tied at 33-33… The Nats have become quite proficient at getting wins in the walk-off variety, if not wins in general. Yesterday, it was Ronnie Belliard hitting a two-run homer in the bottom of the 12th to give the Nationals their eighth final at-bat victory of their 18 home wins… The Angels hold the Dodgers to three hits and actually win this time!…The Rays took two of three from the Pirates and the Red Sox dropped another to the Astros as Tampa leapfrogged Boston into first in the AL East in advance of the three-game set between the teams beginning today.

Assorted sports I scarcely care about – 19-year-old InBee Parks wins U.S. Women's Open… Kurt Busch wins rain-shortened Lenox Industrial Tools 301

The Russians are pulling out all the stops to win today's Euro 2008 semifinal over Spain, even if that means offering up two young devotchkas to each enterprising soccernaut who manages to score a goal. And failing that, former KGB agents gunning down the Spaniards. Whichever works.

Russian Euro 2008 players have been promised two gorgeous girls for each goal they score.

Wealthy socialite Pyotr Listerman was filmed making the offer to star player Andrei Arshavin, 27.

Listerman, known for setting up rich Russians with wives, said: “For each goal I’ll present two beautiful chicks. Watch the guys react.”

Well, if based on this Pyotr's reputation, these women are expected to be wedded, then it might not have the intended effect. Those Russian brides are so grubby. I shouldn't have ordered six of them. And what does an assist get you? A couple vital organs? Don't scoff. That Russian black market keeps them remarkably well maintained.

College World Series – Fresno State captured the school's first baseball national title and (the nation's capacity to BELIEVE *swoon*) became the lowest seeded team to win an NCAA tournament title. The school hadn't appeared in the CWS since 1991 and lost 12 of their first 20 regular season games to open the season. So's you know, Fresno State's only other national championship came in softball in 1998, so way to draw even with the ladies. Steve Detwiler homered twice and drove in all six of the westward Bulldogs' runs in the deciding game of the Finals. Fresno's prolific run will certainly be the talk of the sporting world for as long as a college baseball non-scandal can be (O/U: 18 hours) but the run clearly brought some more interest with the CWS hitting its highest attendance mark ever.

EURO 2008 – Lightning must have hit the transmitter or something. Turkey will never get into the EU with gaffes like this. A break in the feed during the second half of the semifinal match caused the whole world, even the parts of it that care about soccer, to miss a few critical moments of Germany's 3-2 win over the Turks. Lucky for you, FanIQ has the highlights, replete with interspersed footage of raging celebratory bonfires. Hmm. I didn't know Germany was part of College Park.

MLB - Sorry you have to take a backseat to the college game, decidedly undramatic regular season professional baseball. Joba Chamberlain picks up his first decision of the season (New York had been 4-1 in his previous starts) and it's a positive one, as Joba leads the Yankees by striking out 7 in 6 2/3 to a 10-0 win over the Bucs… Jesus Flores saved all his offensive output for his final at-bat, lining the game-winning single into right center to seal a Nats 5-4 win over the Halos…Interleague play continues to be a bizarro world where the Royals are good and they have more wins than any other MLB team. Hamburgers also eat people there, so avoid concession stands. Not like Mike Scioscia hasn't cleaned them out already anyway…The second Cito Gaston era in Toronto is not off to the roaring start that, well, no one predicted. Still, the Blue Jays dropped to 2-3 under him, the latest loss coming courtesy a Jay Bruce sac fly in the top of the 10th to give the Reds a 6-5 win. 

The Portuguese got bounced from Euro 2008 by the Germans in the quarterfinals late last week, at least partly because the sport's most talented striker, Cristiano Ronaldo, couldn't find the back of the net.  Probably because he was injured so badly on this play.  WARNING: this video shows an extremely graphic injury that only a European soccer player could hope to survive. 

Do you think he'll be okay?  I hope he can find the courage inside himself to learn how to walk and screw hookers again.  Absolutely horrific.

[Sports Hernia via Sporting Blog]