This video was released a couple days ago, but I'm still wondering how former Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton completely avoided jail time for his May 2007 attack of teammate Ousmane Dabo.  Yes, teammate.  You can really feel the camaraderie there.  And by camaraderie I mean fists.  The draconian judge deciding the case came down hard on Barton, suspending his four-month prison sentence and suggesting that he should, uh, please be nice.

Judge Mushtaq Khokhar told him: “As a professional footballer you are someone who is talented and greatly idolised … being an idol brings with it responsibilities which you have to carry with you all the time. You want to be setting an example, particularly to those who idolise you, particularly youngsters who look up to you.”

Barton has since been picked up by Newcastle, a club that was reportedly  just bought by — cue dramatic chipmunk — the bin Laden family!!  Coincidence, or overarching terrorist plot to take over soccer?  Well, the judge does have a name that doesn't look WASP-y, which in America means that you're a Muslim terrorist.  At least that's what FOX News tells me.  It's why I'm wary of anyone who does a terrorist fist jab.  I'm looking at YOU, every black athlete on the planet.

[Soccernista] 

Here you see Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas getting set on fire.  I'm sure a lot of people are disappointed that (a) this doesn't happen to more soccer players, and (b) fire-retardant technology is so advanced.

Surprisingly, Fabregas wasn't just hanging out with a bunch of friends and some gasoline when they spontaneously decided to try this.  It's apparently a Nike-made viral video to promote the creatively-titled Cesc Fabregas Show, which debuts on SkySports in two weeks.  And by posting this video and sharing information about the show, I did everything the evil ad geniuses at Nike wanted me to do.  Dammit, Nike!  You used me!  Never again!

Still, though: it was pretty cool when they set him on fire. 

[FanHaus via Deadspin]

Chelsea's stars celebrated their Champions League semifinal win over Liverpool by heading out to chic London club Chinawhite, where they partied with Jenna Jameson, who unfortunately no longer looks anything like the picture above.

Reportedly,adult film starJenna moved her table right next to the Chelsea stars and wowed them with her raunchy dancing, as they continued to rack up their hefty bar bill, which ended up at an estimated £10,000 [$20,000].

Though, according to reports, Jenna's night ended early after she was thrown out for allegedly attempting to take drugs.

Wait a second.  A porn star dancing suggestively and wanting to do drugs?  I find that pretty hard to believe. 

A member of her entourage said: "She just asked if one of her friends could go in with her in the toilets to touch up her make-up before facing the paparazzi. But the toilet attendant said no, and kicked off. The bouncers called us American pigs, which brought Jenna to tears."

A modern-day tragedy.  Jenna cried and cried the night away, cried because she couldn't touch up her makeup, cried because she didn't blow one more rail for the road, cried big salty tears with an unusually high semen content.

As noted before, Manchester United uber-striker and hooker aficionado Cristiano Ronaldo is dating a little-known aspiring model named Nereida Gallardo.  Today, the day that Man U takes on FC Barcelona in the Champions League semifinals, The Sun (link NSFW) revealed that it has many, many topless photos of Nereida.  Hooray!

Nereida – which means water nymph – posed for the sizzling seaside photoshoot as she struggled to make ends meet while working as a nursing assistant… She works part-time in a run-down state-owned nursing home, where she earns little more than the minimum wage.

Her friend Lorenzo told The Sun: “She is a caring person. Away from her humdrum working life, though, Nereida is quite the party animal.” [...]

A source added: “Nereida has been described as a model but she really is a nurse. She likes to appear in beauty contests and that kind of thing." [...] She was the beauty queen at a biker event in Majorca last year and her pictures [were] featured in the local newspaper.

If a guy who loves hookers as much as C-Ron does is willing to date someone as anonymous as this chick, then it's anyone's guess what she can do in bed.  I'm not just talking anal, people.  It's gotta be crazier than that.  She's gotta have some kind of vacuum suction power in her colon.  I bet she can open beers with her anus.  No joke.

[Machochip-NSFW] 

Chelsea soccer star Ashley Cole, estranged from pop-star wife Cheryl Cole (née Tweedy) following tabloid stories about his extramarital affairs with four different women, is doing what any real man would do: seeking forgiveness and cleaning up his act. 

Except take that part about forgiveness and cleaning up his act, and replace it with "suing the newspapers and random sluts he nailed."  Seriously — I'm not making this up — Cole admitted to having sex with all four women, but none of them asked his permission to talk about fucking him.

Cole accuses the four women of infringing his rights in a flagrant, self-serving and unilateral manner and says publication of stories about his sex life was wrongful and a breach of confidence, an infringement of his right to privacy and a misuse of private information. [...]

He is suing for damages of £200,000 over 12 stories published earlier this year alleging that he had sex with four girls but says some of the information is false and invented. But he says the question of truth or falsity is irrelevant and his alleged sexual relationships with the women should have stayed private.

Right on, Ashley.  Sluts and the media are always the ones at fault.  Seriously, how dare tabloids prey upon a married man who uses his fame to cheat on his beautiful wife?  And the girls — how was Ashely to know that women who would go home with a married man the same night they met him would have the kind of loose morals to sell that story to the press?  It's unfathomable.

Sluts and the media, man.  Destroying perfectly happy marriages since Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press. 

[Kickette] 

Cristiano Ronaldo is 23 years old, the best player on arguably the best pro soccer team in the world, fabulously wealthy, better looking than you, and completely unapologetic about employing hookers whenever he damn well wants.  Oh, and now he's dating a Spanish model named Nereida Gallardo.

A friend of the goal-scoring sensation confirmed: "A player asked Cristiano about the kisses he'd been blowing and he admitted he's got a new girl. Ronny's pretty smitten." [...]

Ronaldo, who once dated jungle babe Gemma Atkinson, has been seeing Nereida since January. He flies the raven-haired pin-up from her home in Majorca to watch him in action for [Manchester] United. The pal explained: "She's at most of the games with Ronaldo's cousin, Nuno. People wrongly assumed she was with him."

Whatever, I bet that dumbass can't even put together an Excel spreadsheet.  Winner: you.

[Machochip]