It’s a happy day for Britain’s bikini models who aspire to be WAGs: Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant has proposed to Page 3 model Amii Grove.  The two began dating after Pennant sent Grove a MySpace message, but later broke up after she found footage (from his mansion’s CCTV) of him cheating on her.

However, after her brother died in a four-wheeler accident this summer, Pennant reconnected with her, and they resumed dating.  And now this:

“We went to visit Lee’s grave and I was kneeling down laying some flowers when Jermaine bent down next to me and asked, ‘Do you want to get married to me?’.  I told him straight away that I did and asked, ‘So are we engaged?’ – and he said ‘yes’!”

Dawwwwww that just melts my icy little heart.  I’m not much of a romantic, but I can’t help but think it’s sweet when a couple finds romance in a graveyard.  Reminds me of my young, innocent days.  Back when I dug up graves to make tender love to corpses.

[via Kickette; more Amii here]

A Premiership soccer fan was banned from games for three years after he punched a police horse during an August match between Stoke City and Bolton.

[Shaun Allen] was with a group of about 15 Stoke fans who were drinking outside the stadium at 4.45pm, Bolton Magistrates’ Court heard. A police officer took a can off Allen and asked the group to move on, but Allen became abusive.

Whatever, it was totally worth it.  Police horses have to be the worst combination of asshole animal and asshole profession in the world.  I’d rather deal with a badger cable guy, or get audited by a feral cat IRS agent.

Things aren’t going all that well for Newcastle United.  After club legend Kev Keegan resigned in disgust, Joe Kinnear was named the interim manager while owner Mike Ashley (this demure wallflower) sells the team.  Kinnear took offense to some of the things written about him during his first week, and his first press conference went a little something like this:

Kinnear: Which one is Simon Bird?
Bird: Me.
Kinnear: You’re a cunt.
Bird: Thank you.

It gets better from there; Kinnear embarks on a carpet-F-bombing mission, dropping 52 of them over the course of 13 minutes.  Only four per minute?  Pussy.  Also, if you can listen to the entire thing without wandering off and doing something else, you deserve the Ritalin Attention Span Award. I always thought I could listen to people going off and swearing all day, but apparently it’s more like two minutes.  But then, my attention span was never very DOGGIE!  Who’s a good dog?!?  You are!  Oh, you want a belly rub? Yes you do!

[Transcript here - unbleeped audio here]

Manchester United striker Cristiano Ronaldo, the man who famously enjoyed a five-hooker orgy with teammates, will surely be shocked to learn that “Fernanda,” one of the women he keeps on the side, is — wait for it — a hooker!  GASP! News of the World (link has a grainy NSFW image) sent one lucky reporter undercover to find out what Fernanda had to offer.  She happily showed off pictures of herself with the star at Man U parties, and more:

Keen to relax our man, she offered him a drink before beckoning him to the double bed… She played seductive mood music on her CD player and began gyrating provocatively while slowly peeling off her dress to reveal a slinky black G string.

Caressing herself, she again motioned for our man to join her on the bed but as he made his excuses and prepared to leave, she discussed arranging a second meeting. Fernanda then promised to see our man later in the week for a full-on cocaine-fuelled romp and lesbian show with a blonde Czech girl called Anna…

Fernanda told us she enjoys partying with cocaine and offered to supply the illegal Class A drug for our threesome booking at £60 a gramme. “It’s very good,” she said. “I go crazy with the cocaine. Not bad crazy, good crazy. Sex and coke is so much crazy!”

The article also said that Ronaldo will “go nuts” over this revelation.  Oh yeah.  He’ll be livid that he’s been getting freebies from a coked up hooker with big tits.  Me, I hate it when that happens.  “I thought our intermittent no-strings sex meant something!  Your real name probably isn’t even Cherry!”

[Sports by Brooks] SEXY UPDATE: Now with video of hooker-dealings!

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey sports fans! Faced with a long afternoon of watching soccer? Try massaging some large breasts. I’ve heard it’s a great way to pass the time. I can’t wait to try it some day.

[The Offside via The Spoiler]

“Look at my striped shirt! No seriously, look at it. It’s either that or the neck fat.”

Newcastle United’s manager Kev Keegan, as much a part of the Magpies’ tradition as their black and white jerseys, quit the team last Thursday over what he perceived to be shoddy restrictions over how he ran the club. During the height of the team’s internal strife, team owner Mike Ashley was in New York dropping $216,000 on one night of partying.

The owner and three other men, including one man named only as PK, downed an amazing 175 bottles of Cristal Champagne — the club’s entire stock. They also necked 16 bottles of Dom Perignon, 29 of PJ Fleur Rose and three of Grey Goose Vodka.

Onlookers in the club on Wednesday night said Ashley was “slaughtered” and soaked from head to foot in Champagne as he sprayed £450 bottles of Cristal over his pals and handed out drinks and bottles to scantily-clad girls — getting some to pour booze into his mouth.

Big deal. I went to the liquor store and got, like, almost all their Mike’s Hard Lemonade. AND I wasn’t carded, thank you very much. Operators are standing by, ladies.

[Deuce of Davenport]