Minnesota Vikings defensive lineman Jared Allen–he of the “partying with two Rs” set–is the proprietor of what might be one of the worst on-field celebrations in the history of sport. That little butter-churning move he does after every sack is actually a pantomime of a calf rustling, like you might see in a rodeo. Fortunately, due to a new interpretation of NFL rules, that will be the only place you’ll see it.

The league prohibits players from going to the ground in celebrations. After sacks, Allen takes a knee, pretends to rope a calf and then throws his arms in the air. Allen presumably can still perform his celebration as long as he’s standing on his feet.

Allen has performed his post-sack celebration for years so it’s curious the league is threatening punishment now. Asked about the new stance, a league spokesman wrote in an e-mail: “That is how the new head of officiating wants it enforced.” –Star-Trib.

Jared has one sack to his credit on the season, and it’s unclear whether he either avoided the routine after the fact, or performed some permutation of it. Either way, I consider it a positive to see this little dance get hog-tied. It looks like Nancy Kerrigan having a stroke and masturbating at the same time. No offense to those of you that are into that sort of thing.

Arland Bruce III, a wide receiver for the CFL’S Toronto Argonauts, apparently spent many lonely masturbatory nights planning an elaborate touchdown celebration that included a Spiderman mask. That celebration was realized when he scored Monday against the Hamilton Tiger-Cats. Aaaand, it’s lamers.

To recap: you put on the mask, a process that takes you roughly eight minutes, pose for half a second with it on then immediately take it off? You don’t even try to kiss a cheerleader upside down or bust a nut on her costume and pretend it’s webbing? What a waste.

[Fanhouse; SportsbyBrooks]

Warwick Capper is a retired Aussie Rules player who was one of the best players in the Australian Football League in the 1980s.  Now 44, the deadbeat dad who has had turns as a stripper, meter maid, and school crossing guard has made a sex tape with his 26-year-old girlfriend… that he sold for six figures.

"I've had a lot of practice being a sex symbol so if you've got it, flaunt it," Capper said. "It's every man's fantasy. I think I'm Australia's answer to Paris Hilton. Someone also said I am like David Beckham. I'm a good-looking footballer with the same quick wit."

I'll say!  He's just like Fabio, if Fabio were fat.  Rawr!  He's the pinnacle of sexy!  Wait… did I say pinnacle?  I meant pinochle.  He's the shitty card game for old people of sexy.  Yeah, that's the right metaphor.

[Deuce of Davenport]