"And then I gave her an extra $1,000 to take a dump on my chest."

Last night, as I was initially excited to watch what felt like the first honest-to-Cthulhu good Thursday Night Football game of the season, word broke across the Twitters and some sports network that doesn’t like to source other reporters that the San Antonio Spurs would be playing without the team’s stars – Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker – against the Miami Heat. And I had to turn away from Kate Upton to do a spit take because I was like, “Well why in the H-E-Hockey-Lockout would Gregg Popovich do that?”

It turns out that he had a pretty darn good reason.

Meanwhile, the game was actually fantastic. I get a kick out of joking that San Antonio is the most boring team in sports, but they’re obviously not and they proved that by leading the Heat the majority of the game before ultimately falling to Miami, 105-100. So what’s the big deal then? Teams play and lose all the time, and teams certainly rest their starters. Well, David Stern ain’t having that nonsense.

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"You think Evan Longoria was impressive? Wait til you see Kobe play in Italy!"

After what many are calling the greatest single night in the history of baseball, you can only imagine how it must feel to be David Stern, AKA the captain of the NBA’s Titanic. Stern, as I like to imagine, was probably sitting in his castle atop Snake Mountain, stroking Panthor, as he watched the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals secure their playoff destinies in incredible fashion while wondering, “What can I do to steal the spotlight from these pathetic fools?”

And then he cackled with delight as he summoned ESPN’s Marc Stein through his evil crystal ball…

David Stern is planning to threaten players with the cancelation of the entire 2011-12 season if the sides haven’t made major progress toward a deal by the end of the weekend, according to sources close to the talks.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s exactly how we’ll defeat those do-gooder baseball scoundrels! We’ll completely cancel our season next week and destroy all of the momentum that the recent NBA Finals had with incredible ratings and excited new fans. No wait, that’s silly. That’s not going to do anything good, so Stern and his minions should just deny it. What’s that? Oh, they already have.

Well played, Stern. I already forgot about… what the hell were we talking about? Oh well, whatever. Let’s have another good negotiation, owners and players! PRO-GRESS! PRO-GRESS!