"Oh well, guess I'm just stuck with my $110 million."

Two weeks ago, there was a juicy HOTT GOSS rumor floating around that Tiger Woods was offering his ex-wife Elin Nordegren $200 million to remarry him, and he was backing that up with an additional $350 million prenuptial agreement. Of this rumor, which came from the dismissive-wank-worthy National Enquirer, I wrote that it made no sense, because:

1. Nordegren already took $110 million from Woods in their divorce, so why would she trade the remaining shreds of her dignity for $200 million and endless public scorn?
2. Woods could save his $550 million package and still sleep with pretty much any girl on this planet.

It turns out that option 2 was correct, because the man who is probably going to win his seventh Farmers Insurance Open title today has apparently been dating Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn since November.

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There once was a time when someone would send me a story that started off with “According to the National Enquirer…” and it would go into my deleted bin right after I’d send a quick “Come on, bro” response to that bro. But then something funny happened – the Enquirer totally nailed the Tiger Woods cheating scandal. Granted, that’s basically a prime example of the old adage about throwing sh*t at a wall, but it was still big enough to buy Enquirer a shred of credibility.

Well, friends, a shred ain’t enough to make me buy into this latest Enquirer “exclusive”.

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I watched Goon last night, and I thoroughly enjoyed it in a “Yeah, this is bad but it’s still charming” kind of way, so I’m in the mood to carry over that joy for a real life goon like San Jose Sharks defenseman Douglas Murray (above, showing us the denim goods). In what can only be considered the most important hockey news of the year, Murray has been seen canoodling with Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren. And my sources tell me that she is attractive and wealthy.

According to every gossip site this side of the Scandinavian fjord, the two Swedes were spotted getting all up in each other’s fjaces at a night club recently, as they apparently met thanks to their mutual Swede friend Jesper Parnevik. It’s interesting that Nordegren would allow Parnevik to play matchmaker again after his last introduction, but that also netted her $150 million, so maybe he knows what he’s doing.

As for the rumors, Murray is going to headbutt them all away.

“We are only friends,” Murray told Expressen. “We are not dating and we have never dated. We have friends in common and we have only known each other for a couple of weeks.”

Couple or not, one thing is becoming clear: Nordegren has a thing for well-educated athletes. Woods of course attended Stanford, while Murray played hockey at Cornell. (Via the USA Today)

Does she like decently-educated bloggers? Because, if so, I am the guy with basic writing and photoshopping capabilities for her. As for Murray, I don’t much about him, other than he holds the franchise record for most hits in a game, but he does have a Tumblr dedicated to him, so let’s see what we can learn.

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"Man, this place looks ruff."

Two weeks ago, we mentioned that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren (inset, attractive) had bulldozed her $12 million home, with very little reasoning or explanation other than she didn’t like it. Turns out that was a little off, thank goodness, because she had somehow found a way to make herself into at least 1/10th of the villain that El Tigre had.

Nordegren recently defended her decision and explained with verification from her construction team that the house was a death trap, as it had been riddled by termites and rot, which I assume is also her nickname for Woods’ genitals.

So not only does she have a great reason for having to tear down the house that will now ultimately cost her close to $25 million, but she also made the best of it for the sake of helping charity. Before the house was demolished, Nordegren had the construction workers go through the house and salvage anything they could – chandeliers, window frames, doors, etc. – and she donated them all to Habitat for Humanity.

You know, if she wasn’t already seeing another billionaire, I might have considered dating this woman.

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After it was revealed that Tiger Woods had snogged just about every Perkins waitress, porn star and party girl on both sides of the Mississippi during his marriage, it seemed pretty obvious that his ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, was going to hold him upside down and shake him until every last penny of his billion dollar net worth fell out. So we were all a little surprised when she walked with just $100 million, with which she purchased the above 6-bedroom mansion in Palm Beach.

But now, according to the Daily Mail, Nordegren is proving that there’s only one way to get the stink of the world’s best golfer’s affairs out of your carpet – tear that mother f*cking house down. Claiming that 6 bedrooms aren’t enough for her and her two children, Nordegren had the entire 9,000-sq. ft., $12 million mansion demolished so she could build a new, larger mansion from scratch.

In related news, women everywhere just hatched schemes to get professional athletes to marry them.

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The past two years have been pretty tough on Tiger Woods, what with that whole wife finding out that he was banging escorts, porn stars and Perkins waitresses and then that whole other plummeting to 52nd on the World Golf Rankings because he suddenly sucks. And factor in Elin Nordegren taking him to the cleaners for a few hundred million and then shaking her ass in front of any billionaire with eyes, and life has kind of sucked for the guy whose life was seemingly unsuckable.

Well say goodbye to those losing ways, friends, because El Tigre is back in the W column. Trailing Zach Johnson by one stroke heading into the final round of the Chevron World Challenge, Woods shot a 3-under round to secure his first tournament victory since the 2009 Australian Masters. Fist pumps and chest bumps, big guy.

Asked to describe his feelings after ending his lengthy title drought, 14-times major champion Woods replied: “It feels awesome, whatever that is.

“I know it’s been a while, but also for some reason it feels like it hasn’t (been a while) because when I was coming down the stretch there I felt so comfortable.

“Was I nervous? Absolutely. I’m always nervous in that position but it’s a comfortable feeling, and I enjoy being in that position,” added Woods, who will rise to 21st when the new world rankings are issued on Monday.

(Via the Montreal Gazette)

Tiger is like the New York Yankees and Duke Blue Devils all rolled into one when it comes to the polarity of golf fans. I know a ton of people who have reveled in his failures over the past two years for reasons like, “Screw him, he cheated on his hot wife” or “He just seems like a pompous a-hole” or “It’s just not fun when he wins all the time.” But I think it’s a hell of a lot of fun when he wins all the time.

I love seeing the other golfers like Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els act all pissy when Tiger runs away with a major tourney, and while I still appreciate when younger guys like Johnson, Rory McIlroy and especially Bubba Watson win, it’s just so much more entertaining when Tiger is locked in. And hopefully he celebrated this victory locked between two Vivid Girls.

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