When I got home from the shittiest game in NBA Finals history last night, I had about twice the normal amount of email I usually have after a couple hours away from the ol' thinkin' machine. Then I took a close look at the subject lines — Elijah Dukes strikes again; Dukes again; Elijah Dukes keeps on givin'; Elijah Dukes is setting up franchises; Elijah Dukes Lovechild; More baby mama drama for Elijah Dukes — and I wondered if, just maybe, Elijah Dukes had done something of interest.

And indeed he has: Dukes allegedly impregnated a 17-year-old foster child who at the time was living with his step-grandmother. (A foster child?  Dukes is a genius!  Those teenagers don't have parents who get all pissed off when you give 'em a little attention.)

The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy. "Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me," she told investigators.

Oh, c'mon now.  It probably wasn't even one of the big Gatorades you drink when you're hung over.  Elijah was just bullshittin'.  He usually lets you know if he means otherwise.

NiShea Gilbert, the Nubian beauty you see here and the wife of Devil Rays rookie Elijah Dukes, has received a one-year protective order and filed for divorce from the outfielder, thus ending America's love affair with their love affair.  And by "their love affair" I mean "death threat voice mails."  But by America's love affair I genuinely mean love affair.  As we close the books on this modern-day Camelot, let's look back — just one last time — on some of Elijah's sweet nothings to his bride:

"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls——-. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N—–, all I know is, n—–, when I see your m—–f——- a– riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m—–f—— house."

Fare thee well, NiShea.  I doubt you can find another handsome prince like Elijah or me, but I wish you luck nonetheless.

As for Dukes?  He's just doing his thing, man.  Besides cussing out reporters and getting a game-winning hit, he was also arrested this week for marijuana possession after a traffic stop.  It is unclear whether he was on his way to NiShea's m—–f—— house at the time.

Elijah Dukes has gotten plenty of attention lately, from the allegations of threatening to kill his wife (he ain't even bullshittin, dawg) to the foul-mouthed brush-off he gave Tampa reporters.  But there's also the little issue of him delivering the game-winning hit in the bottom of the ninth against the Tigers last night.  Dukes singled home two runs with the bases loaded to cap the D-Rays' comeback from a 5-2 deficit, proving yet again that athletes can do whatever they want as long as they excel on the ball field.  As well it should be.  Pro athletes are better than us and deserve to live above the law.

Meanwhile, in the Tigers' clubhouse, baseball genius Jim Leyland somehow is still using Todd Jones as the closer to blow games.  I simply don't understand.  Can no one else on that team grow an effective closer mustache?

Other MLB stuff: Adrian Beltre hit two home runs and two doubles, and Ichiro extended his hitting streak to 21 games as the Mariners beat up Bartolo Colon and the Angels 12-5… Kyle Lohse threw a complete game shutout to prevent the Reds bullpen from blowing another game, as Cincinnati snapped a six-game losing streak by beating the Pirates… the Red Sox (35-15) keep winning, the Yankees (21-28) keep losing, and everything that Orlando Cabrera said about Yankees fans, in my experience (with a few exceptions), is true.

A month ago, Devil Rays rookie Elijah Dukes marched into the school where his wife teaches and flipped out to the extent that a sheriff's deputy had to show up and ban him from the property.  And that's one of their nicer exchanges, according to his wife, Nishea Gilbert Dukes.

[Gilbert] told the court in another filing [for a restraining order] Thursday that her husband threatened to kill her and sent a photo of a handgun to her cell phone.

She played the St. Petersburg Times a voice mail message she said was from Dukes: "You dead, dawg," says an angry voice. "I ain't even bulls——-. Your kids, too."

Ah, the blessed union of holy marriage.  To halve and to choke-hold, as long as the bitch still lives.  Might want to get a sitter for the kids, though.  Because he's not even bullshitting.

Also see: Deadspin and the FanHaus, the latter of which has the extended quote: "Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls——-. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N—–, all I know is, n—–, when I see your m—–f——- a– riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m—–f—— house." Aww, young love!  It's like that sugary chick flick Domestic Disturbance.