How do I text gun?

Sometimes I try to be charming and literate in The Dugout. I’ve made references to everything from Fyodor Dostoyevsky to “Excel Saga” in an effort to broaden the strip’s audience and present a unique voice in sports blogging humor. And then sometimes Elijah Dukes texts a picture of a bayonet to a pregnant woman and shoves her off a cliff and I’m stuck writing about how guys in sports are entitled monsters who make 400,000 times more than me to ground out about as well as I could.

But yeah, Elijah Dukes has been arrested again, this time for driving with an expired or revoked license. With Leather, meet one of The Dugout’s most popular recurring characters, an African-American woman of authority who can’t stop getting the hell choked out of her. Yes, I suppose I’m creating art.

Today’s Dugout follows.

Read the rest of this entry »

I hate to totally ignore the epic beatdown that the Cleveland Indians gave the Yankees in their new crib on Saturday (they split the series), to say nothing of the NHL and NBA playoff happenings. But then I saw this about Elijah Dukes getting fined and benched for reporting to the ballpark five minutes late.

Here is what Acta said about Dukes, who showed up late at the ballpark today and consequently was fined and benched. “He was late for work, he broke a team rule, and we are going to change the culture here — regardless of how well a guy is playing,” Acta said. “And it was a bizarre situation, because he was doing something that we encourage our players to do: He was out in the community doing something for some Little League program and just showed up late to work.

Seems like everyone is up in arms about a guy who was out being a positive role model in The Community, but if he was a real role model, he would have been to work on time. That said, if Acta is so hell-bent on changing the culture, he’d be better served to take some of Dukes’ fine and spend it on some starting pitching.

|WaPo (last item), via Tomzilla at Sporting Blog|

When I saw a DC Sports Bog post titled Elijah Dukes Tees Off, I was immediately excited.  Shitcanned by the Rays after those unfortunate threatening to kill his wife and impregnating a 17-year-old foster child incidents, I couldn't help but wonder what Agent Steinz meant by Dukes "teeing off."  Did Dukes lose his mind and yell at reporters?  Did he beat his girlfriend with a seven-iron?

Nope, he was just at the driving range, where a chance encounter with the Post's videographer led to this four and a half minute exchange where Dukes comes off as strangely likable.  He whiffs on a swing, sweats like Chris Berman, makes self-deprecating comments, and addresses "America" and "Golf Digest Edition Part I."  And not once does he seem like he's about to attack anyone with the driver.  He hardly seems like a monster at all.

Gosh, now I don't know what to believe in.  If Elijah Dukes is a decent human being, anything's possible.   All of my racist, sexist, and xenophobic [update: and religious] stereotypes may not be true.  Heck, there might even be issues where shades of gray exist.  Damn you, Dukes!  You've destroyed everything I believe in!

Talented but beleaguered outfielder Elijah Dukes — last seen getting dropped by the Rays and getting traded to the Nationals after intimidating his then-wife with threatening text messages and phone calls — has had another injunction filed against him by a different woman, this time for, uh, intimidation through threatening text messages and phone calls.

Amanda E. Reese, 23, was granted a temporary injunction for protection against domestic violence on Dec. 10. She is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday morning to seek extended protection…

Reese says Dukes sent her a text message on Oct. 23 that stated she would "have to deal with the consequences" and "don't let me see you when I come home" and "it's a promise, now make your move."

Ugh, typical watered-down sequel.  She'll have to "deal with the consequences"?  How am I supposed to work with that?  That's something parents tell teenagers, when what we need is a cell phone picture of a gun.

A wise man once said, Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls——-. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N—–, all I know is, n—–, when I see your m—–f——- a– riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m—–f—— house.  What happened to you, Elijah?  You used to be so cool.

[sports by brooks] 

Devil Rays rookie Elijah Dukes has been transferred to Triple-A and put on the temporary inactive list, which has apparently freed up some time to do what he loves best: find new ways to harass his estranged wife NiShea.

On Monday, NiShea Dukes told deputies her husband and a woman associated with him made harassing phone calls to her, sheriff's spokeswoman Debbie Carter said… Violating the court order would be a misdemeanor.

Or would it be a felony?  A high-placed source within the State Attorney's office provided With Leather with this information last night:

Dukes is about to get charged with violating his restraining order for having some girl call his ex at all hours of the night harassing her. The charges should go public early next week. There is going to be a meeting tomorrow [Thursday] afternoon as to whether it should be a misdemeanor violation of the Domestic Violence Injunction or Felony Aggravated Stalking, punishable by up to 5 years.

Man, you can't even harass your wife by proxy any more?  Lawyers can be so nit-picky.  Of course, Dukes is a pro athlete, so it definitely won't be a felony charge, but it's nice to know that lawyers are at least considering it.

Elijah Dukes has had an exciting couple of weeks, what with his now ex-wife getting a restraining order against him and the claim that he impregnated a 17-year-old foster child.  And now his ex-wife is doing radio interviews!  Huzzah!  Of course, I don't like listening to people talk, but The Big Lead used up some of the minutes in his life to listen to the whole thing, and he's compiled some highlights:

* Dukes has been diagnosed as bi-polar and is a ‘good husband when he’s on his medication’

* She’s trying to figure out which 17-year-old slept with her ex-husband, because ‘those girls have kept my children before’

* Elijah’s most frequently-used pickup line is: ‘I want you to have my baby’ and he follows that up with ‘Can I be your first baby daddy?’

Hmmm… I'll have to try that one.  My old stand-bys of "I'd like to give you chlamydia" and "I will pay you for sex" just haven't been panning out for me recently.