Chances are that as you read this you’re either setting your fantasy football lineup for your league’s championship game, or you’re curled up in the fetal position in a puddle of your own filth, wondering how it all went wrong. Out of five leagues, I’m prepping for two championship matches, so I ask not for any sympathy today, but instead, as always, offer my broad, hulking shoulders as a temple for which you can lean on. After all, I might be one of the few human beings on this planet who enjoys listening to people talk about their fantasy teams.

As far as the MVPs and LVPs this week, there were plenty of pleasant surprises, as well as dependable performances from those players that we depend on the most. Oh, and there were plenty of guys who let us down as well, including Eli Manning, who may have two Super Bowl rings, but after the season he’s having, I wouldn’t be surprised if Archie and Peyton make him sit at the kids’ table for Christmas this year.

So what the hell have the rest of you done for us lately, professional athlete millionaires?

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Eli Manning Toyota commercials are the Peyton Manning United Way sketches. Okay, maybe not, but watching him dress like an accountant with Kenny Powers hair and not be able to catch a set of keys is still pretty funny. *runs out and buys a Toyota because Eli Manning is sorta funny* (via Terez Owens)

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Links

10 Minutes Of Terror Starring Mike Tyson & His Greatest Knockouts |Smoking Section|

The Best Moments From Cowboys Over Giants Season Kickoff Game |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Sports On TV: Married… With Children’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

The Pentagon’s Cheetah Robot Beats Usain Bolt’s Speed Record, Is Nightmare Fuel |Gamma Squad|

The 25 Greatest Local News Interviewee Descriptions |UPROXX|

Ranking Television’s 10 Most Epic NOOOOOOOOO Moments |Warming Glow|

Seven Things About Looper You’re Going To Love |Film Drunk|

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Come on, look at him. You don’t want to be like him, do you?

That’s what you’ll look like if you forget to sign up for our TOTALLY FREE Week 1 NFL Fantasy Football game with FanDuel.com. All you have to do is click that link (or this one), sign up and draft a team of players from Sunday and Monday night’s games. The teams with the best performance win money from a $1000 cash pool, and that’s a crazy profit for like two minutes of work for one of your ten fingers.

Here’s how it works:

Again, the game happens this Sunday, September 9 and includes the Monday Night Football game, so don’t try to draft anyone from the Cowboys/Giants game. Payouts start up immediately after MNF, and hell, I’ve been reminding you twice a week for the last three weeks, so just sign up already and let me stop badgering you about it. Be sure to let us know how you do if you place.

In case you’re wondering, I look exactly like Eli up there after every fantasy football game.

Football season starts tomorrow (!!) so this is one of your last chances to sign up for our totally free, one-night fantasy football game with FanDuel.com. If you were around last week (and you should’ve been, this site is more than Kate Upton slideshows and Raw reports, you jerks) you were privy to our insider fantasy football guide, put together by supplementary sports expert Ashley Burns with helpful … uh, Kate Upton photos. All you have to do to win money from FanDuel’s $1000 cash pool is peruse these posts, sign up for free and wait for the money to roll in.

- 2012 With Leather Fantasy Football Draft Guide: Knowing Your Quarterbacks
- 2012 With Leather Fantasy Football Draft Guide: Selecting Your Running Backs
- 2012 With Leather Fantasy Football Draft Guide: Receivers And Tight Ends

If you’ve never played our game before, here’s a rundown of how it works:

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As we’ve previously discussed by candlelight, two-time Super Bowl MVP and Champion Eli Manning is hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest and beacon of humility Rihanna. As is routine, NBC released a series of promos this week featuring Eli, who is following in the footsteps of his big brother Peyton once again with this hosting gig.

After all, anything that two brothers do will always be compared. Isn’t that right, Ed? Big movie star, that guy. “The pride of the Burns family,” our parents say via Skype on holidays. Because “acting is a real job, not like sitting around in your underwear, talking about 19-year old models.” Right? WELL I’M SORRY, MOM AND DAD! I’M SORRY I DIDN’T WRITE THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN!

Anywho, check out Eli’s SNL promos after the jump.

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If you had a chance to catch Saturday Night Live this weekend, then I’m sure you noticed the Jay Z parody sketch that would have been funny 3 years ago same cutting edge humor that New York’s finest always deliver. Tucked away in the first hour of this week’s show was the host card for the next episode on May 5, and the honor of awkwardly attempting to deliver Gilly sketch lines from a cue card is New York Giants quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. It’s like a gift from the gods of unintentional comedy.

Back in February, we mentioned that Green Bay Packers QB and guy I’d like to be best friends with Aaron Rodgers was in consideration for hosting duties, but apparently the Discount Double Check is just too fresh in our minds to parody right now. Instead, the SNL writing team can work with seasoned material like Manning’s proud daddy or how he helped win Super Bowl XLII.

Eli will, of course, be held to the standard set by his big brother Peyton Manning, who delivered undoubtedly the best hosting performance by an athlete in the show’s history. And that praise only comes for one reason – the United Way sketch.

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