Well NFL, I hope you enjoyed your whole day of relevance, because tonight the NBA returns and everyone loves the NBA more than the NFL. Wait, hold on a sec… my carrier pigeon Lorenzo just returned from delivering my latest batch of nude pics to Ciara Price, and there’s a return message on it:

“Dear Burnsy, nobody likes the NBA more than the NFL. Even David Stern.”

Damn, I must have been fed false information. Oh well, at least we have something to watch on an otherwise boring Tuesday night and then we can all go back to not caring about how many games the Miami Heat have won in a row until at least January.

NBA: Boston Celtics at Miami Heat – 8 PM ET on TNT

Ray Allen makes his debut for his new team tonight against his old team, which is all people are going to talk about for the next 24 hours and then the 48 hours leading up to and following every time they play this season. Also, Rashard Lewis makes his debut as the Heat’s new “Hey, stand over there and only shoot the ball if the other four of us have absolutely no shot”.

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Like many Americans of prudent judgment and sound mind, I will be rooting passionately against the Heat during this year’s NBA Finals, and thus for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Why, you ask? Because I have a memory longer than the 24-hour news cycle, that’s why.

We live in a contrarian society, one that argues, overanalyzes and debates ad nauseam. So as soon as it became too popular or mainstream to hate the Miami Heat and LeBron James for all their ills and faults (both real and received), a sort of counter-movement started, making the case that rooting for the Heat and for LeBron was okay. Because they’ve suffered defeat and struggle, the line of logic goes, they’ve now earned the right to succeed.

Let me be clear: it’s not, nor will it ever be okay, to root for LeBron and the Heat. They brought this scrutiny and loathing – all of it – upon themselves. They are the sports version of the antichrist and DEAR BABY JESUS, KEVIN DURANT IS OUR ONLY HOPE.

We’re not even two years removed from The Decision, LeBron’s one-hour television special when he metaphorically urinated on his pseudo-hometown of Cleveland, trotting out kids from the Boys & Girls Club as props to serve as cover. We’re not even two years removed from Miami’s post-Decision victory pageant, when LeBron promised “not four, not five, not six” championships. We’re not even a year removed from the post-NBA Finals press conference last year, when Bron Bron ranted and raved about how the little people needed to stop hating him and should get back to their peon lives.

And yet people like Jeff Van Gundy, the former basketball coach and current ESPN announcer, believe there should be a “statute of limitations for [Miami’s] stupidity,” as he recently suggested during a telecast.

Yes Jeff, there is a statute of limitations for stupidity. It’s there for all of us. It’s called death.

So here are 11 reminders why rooting against the Miami Heat is and always will be the socially just and morally sound thing to do. The concept of hate in list form isn’t new, but it’s needed now more than ever. And why 11? Nigel Tufnel, the lead guitarist of the rock band Spinal Tap, understands.

Admittedly, this will be quite difficult without once using the word that begins with a “D” and rhymes with “moosh.” But I will do it for my wayward countrymen who don’t comprehend what is at stake here.

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Last night, the New York Post broke the story about the sexual harassment case filed against the Knicks Eddy Curry by his former driver, David Kuchinsky.  Well, they’ve updated the story to include this handsome photo of the chauffeur, and Eddy Curry has also been given the opportunity to respond to Kuchinsky’s claims.

Curry… said last night he was “shocked” at the allegations. “It’s false, and everyone who knows me knows I’m not a racist,” he said after the Knicks beat the Hornets in New Orleans. “I’ve never made a comment like that, playing, or nothing… That’s incredible, man.” [...]

Curry’s lawyer, Kelly Saindon, said Kuchinsky began making a series of claims for unpaid wages several months ago, upping the ante each time. Saindon said Curry took a chance on hiring Kuchinsky despite the driver’s criminal record, which includes a three-year prison sentence for a 1992 burglary in New Jersey. He also got three years’ probation in a 2004 resisting-arrest case in the Garden State, records show.

So wait a second.  Kuchinsky’s a convicted felon with prison time, and he supposedly turned down the alleged advances of a large black man?  I find that very hard to believe, if the axiom about black and going back is correct.  Combine that with Curry’s established record of being docile and passive (on and off the court, and everywhere else but the buffet), and it looks like Mr. Kuchinsky may not be seeing much of Curry’s money.  The money that Curry has earned with his years of rehabbing and going to practice and sometimes even dieting.

Whether or not the allegations are true, Knicks center Eddy Curry will henceforth be known as the guy who got sued by his former driver for gay sexual harassment.  Allegedly, Curry did things like solicit chauffeur David Kuchinsky for gay sex, make Kuchinsky clean up his — for lack of a better word — cum rags, and demean him with a bevy of racist slurs.  Ready for more?  Here we go:

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky “in the nude,” allegedly telling him, “Look at me, Dave, look” and “Come and touch it, Dave.”

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform “humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them,” the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racial discrimination, saying that Curry hurled slurs at him including “f—ing Jew,” “cracker,” “white slave,” “white devil” and “grandmaster of the KKK.”

And, just for good measure, Kuchinsky also claims Curry pointed a loaded gun at Kuchinsky on two different occasions to keep him from complaining.  Curry denied all of these allegations, which is probably the right thing to do, even if that f—ing Jew cracker IS a white devil.

(submitted by tons of people, but Sports Crackle Pop was first)

The Knicks’ Eddy Curry is listed at 285 pounds, but bloggers-in-the-know claim his real weight is probably closer to 325, or what Shaq aspires to get down to one day.

But exactly how fat is Eddy Curry?  Since the numbers seem to lie, let’s go with anecdotal evidence:

Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physio-ball during a break from Monday’s practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Yes, poor Eddy Curry.  Paid millions of dollars to stay in shape, when all he wants to do is eat.  What a miserable existence!

For the record, I would pay sixty dollars to have video of this event.  Twice as much if the rest of the team got around him and started making fat jokes.  I’ve always been a fan of, “You went to the hospital for a blood transfusion, and they had to hold a gravy drive.”

Red Auerbach won 16 NBA titles — a record nine as a coach, and seven more as president of the Celtics.  In a nutshell, he's one of the most legendary, influential, and respected figures the game of basketball has ever known.

And he thinks Manu Ginobili is a fucking bitch, too.  High-five, Red. 

[Bullets Forever via friggin' everywhere]