Since a run of four 90+ win seasons from 2000-2003, the Seattle Mariners have had just 2 winning seasons. While their fans certainly aren’t as maligned as those of the Cleveland Indians or Chicago Cubs, it’s still not very easy being a loyal moose in the Emerald City, especially with the team shipping out the beloved Ichiro Suzuki for greener pastures earlier this season. In fact, it’s safe to say that Mariners fans only have Felix Hernandez left to be proud of, and as long as he’s mowing them down at Safeco, they’re going to love him for it.

Enter: Felixing. As we watched King Felix pitch a perfect game last Wednesday, fans around the world are now celebrating the 26-year old by taking Tebowing behind the barn in favor of Felixing, which honors his celebratory “Where the Wild Things Are” victory pose. The pose has even caught on with Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, who would qualify for the upcoming updates to my Interactive Celebrity Fan Tracker, if he’d simply decide which team he’s actually a fan of.

But aside from that, it’s nice to see those crazy kids in the Pacific Northwest celebrating something these days. Hopefully we’ll soon see Ufford introduce Tavarising, which is a bag-packing pose.

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"Buy me some Smirnoff Ice and Armani slacks, I don't care if I *mumble mumble*, bro."

Forgive me for that headline, as hyperbole usually isn’t in my wheelhouse, but holy Harry Caray, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler did a number on the classic Wrigley Field 7th inning stretch on Saturday. Our beloved J-Cutty was on hand at the Friendly Confines to throw out the first pitch and sing “Take me Out to the Ballgame” and it was just plain bad.

Cutler also spent the bottom half of the 7th inning in the booth with Bob Brenly and Len Kasper, and the entire package was just one epic disaster of awkwardness. Ultimately, it’s what I expected from the socially reluctant Cutler, who never seems like he wants to be anywhere. Hell, I thought the cherry on top was when he returned to his seat without the Cubs jersey that he was visibly struggling to button up as he entered the booth.

But hey, not everyone has to be a Cubs fan to appreciate tradition. However, would it be too much of me to ask these celebrities and Cubs fans to simply learn the lyrics to a short song that people have been singing for more than 100 years? I don’t think so. And to answer my own question, no. Cutler wasn’t the worst. Perhaps he was the most uninspired or uninterested, but there have been many far worse. And I have them to punish us all.

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