In perhaps my frontrunner for favorite sports moment of 2013, the Nebraska Cornhuskers’ decision to let a 7-year old cancer patient named Jack Hoffman participate in last month’s Spring Game and even score a touchdown has made an amazing impact on the boy’s life. Since that day, he has already had his very own, limited edition Upper Deck trading card printed and he even met with President Obama at the White House. Because of this attention, Nebraska Sen. Deb Fischer also successfully pushed to have Jack’s birthday, September 26, declared National Pediatric Brain Cancer Awareness Day.

There was absolutely nothing negative about this heart-warming story that could seemingly help raise awareness for so many other children throughout the country, as they cope with horrible illnesses. But people are both stupid and horrible, so of course someone had to ruin the fun.

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Back in 1992, McDonald’s put bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder with cheese and called it the ‘McJordan,’ because (according to the ad campaign), bacon, barbecue sauce and the other mustards and horse meats that go into making a quarter-pounder with cheese were Michael Jordan’s “favorite ingredients”. The promotion came and went, but it was not forgotten. You can’t just put your own bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder, these are Michael Jordan’s FAVORITE INGREDIENTS and that dude was a PRO STAR, not to mention the greatest basketball player of all time. Some people were left craving McDonald’s unique blend of herbs and chemicals, unable to satiate their incredibly specific hungers. It’s just gone. Hell, I know how they feel. I was all about the Arch Deluxe for the however-many months that thing was around.

The story here should be, “hey, remember a cheeseburger from 20 years ago,” but some people never give up on their dreams. 20 full years later, a man has placed a winning bid on eBay of $9,995 for a jug of authentic McJordan barbecue sauce. Keep hope alive!

Who knows if that’s even McJordan barbecue sauce? Some Internet stranger could’ve made 10 grand putting George Foreman grill drainings into a service jug. Regardless, the bid has been placed, and somewhere, somehow, an assumedly super, super fat guy is accurately recreating something that was better than the McRib, but worse than literally all other food.

The funny thing is that Jordan didn’t even EAT the McJordan. He was a Big Mac man. Proof:

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If you’ve been looking for the worst possible way to celebrate the warrior spirit of your favorite MMA fighter, look no further: eBay user “strong67″ is auctioning off a wooden shard from the telephone pole UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones got drunk and drove his Bentley into last month.

From the auction, currently topping out at $36:

Well, I’ve heard people sell & buy crazy things, so I’m going to test that theory now… This is a piece of telephone pole wood that was knocked off when Jon Jones crashed into it w/ his Bentley on the corner of Grand Blvd & Helen St. in Binghamton on May 19th,2012… It measures about 14 inches long & actually has a “crashed smell odor” to it… It is about an inch wide in the middle & then narrows out at the ends… One pic shows the wood piece & the other pic shows the actual pole which is cracked near the bottom & now supported by wood beams… This is a good conversation piece & definitely WAY more interesting than his last fight… Maybe you can get him to sign it someday, but you may need to use it as protection if he throws a flying elbow your way rather than an autograph :o)

If his least favorite thing about fighting is being asked to sign replica belts, I’m sure “would you please sign this garbage I bought on the Internet from that time you almost killed yourself and others” will go over well. Especially if you mention how the debris you paid 10 extra bucks to have safely mailed to you still sorta smells like his f**ked-up car.

If you bid on this and win it, let us know what you do with it. If I won it, I’d fly to Binghamton and glue it back into the telephone pole. I’m not going to bid on it, though, I’m saving my money for strong67′s “authentic bone shard from Arianny Celeste’s boyfriend’s nose” auction.

[h/t to Maggie Hendricks @ Cagewriter]

Obviously the general news media is in an uproar over the happenings at Penn State University this week, as longtime head coach Joe Paterno will retire at the end of this season thanks to no other choice from the school’s Board of Trustees, because his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky allegedly sexually abused children. It gets worse because these were kids that he was purportedly helping through his philanthropic endeavors, and it gets even worse because a witness reported encountering said sexual abuse at Penn State facilities.

The above image is a student gathering at Paterno’s house last night, as a hundred or so Nittany Lions fans showed up to support the embattled 84-year old. Many people have argued that they should have showed up to storm his castle gates, and I can understand the outrage. And that’s where our discussion is going to end today.

Being that this is primarily a sports humor blog, there aren’t really any jokes that I feel comfortable making about the sexual abuse of children. I also don’t feel like opening the doors to endless debates about why JoePa is a complete scumbag POS for knowingly allowing this behavior or why he still deserves to be loved and adored by the people and fans that appreciated the two national championships he won in 45 years because the police said that he did what he was legally obligated to do. Feel free to argue, though, I just don’t have much desire to stand on a soapbox and shake my fist in rage.

In the meantime, I had a once-in-a-lifetime sports collectible opportunity that I was going to recommend to our readers with deeper pockets, but unfortunately Sandusky’s 1986 National Championship ring has been removed from eBay. Presumably to be thrown into the fiery pits of Mordor.

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For one easy installment of … wait, $5,000?? Jesus Christ!

By way of our socially conscious pals at Deadspin comes eBay auction “Broncos Tim Tebow Rookie Game Worn Used Pants Team COA”, a.k.a. the pants Tebow was wearing when he threw his first NFL touchdown pass last season against the Chiefs, and you could be the winner, should you have five grand to burn and absolutely no idea what to do with your life. If “a guy you’ve heard of wore these pants” isn’t enough, consider the auction’s extremely concerning selling points:

Throughout the pants there are multiple hit marks, stains, and tears.

which goes great with

The handwarmer and towel came direct from the broncos locker room.

… so in the event you wanted to buy these pants under the condition that they’d been warmed by Tim Tebow’s taint you’ve got a second chance with the hand towel. I need more information from the seller. Have these directly encountered scrote?

I haven’t decided if I’m wholly in the “so what if he led the comeback against the Dolphins, he beat a winless team by three points in overtime and was terrible the entire game” camp or the “he is God’s special little angel” one, but he’s going to have to do a little more than force Miami to suck if he wants me to drop 5k on trou. I wouldn’t pay $5,000 for Shakira’ pants. I wouldn’t pay that much for my own pants.