Sports Grid’s tendency to take videos from places and put their logo in the corner has finally come in handy, as the PGA has been on a rights and violations kick and this is the only place on the Internet to see video of a guy running onto the seventh green at CordeValle and throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods. Yes, this is a thing that happened.

Conflicting reports abound — he was drunk, he wasn’t drunk, he threw the hot dog, he just lost control of the hot dog because he was crazy and running — and the entire thing has a real Zapruder feel about it. Obvious jokes about Tiger Woods and wieners aside, it also gives the comments section of every sports blog in the world a chance to argue about what should and should not be on a hot dog. I usually go the mustard, relish and onions route, but my hot dogs are made out of soy beans, so what the hell do I know? I just think it’s hilarious that a golfer had a hot dog thrown at them at something called the “Frys.com Open”. Somebody should throw a milkshake at him.

The best part is that the story gives me a chance to reuse one of my favorite sports clips of all time:

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Tiger Woods has withdrawn from The Players Championship after a terrible nine holes, citing leg injuries. Woods was noticably limping with each hole, using his clubs for support, and shot a whopping 42 on the front nine including a triple bogey. The guy is obviously not at a hundred percent and I believe him, but this is all very similar to my “argh my hand is killing me” excuse when I start throwing gutter-balls at the bowling alley.

Reports say Woods handed his scorecard to PGA champion Martin Kaymer after taking a bogey on the par-5 ninth and walked back to inform Matt Kuchar that he was leaving early for the second straight year (“I’m having a hard time walking,” said Woods), but at the risk of sounding like bad stand-up from the early 90s, I think the conversation was handled by text, and I think it went a little something, uh-like this:

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On Monday, Tiger Woods announced on his blog (easydater.com) that his ex-wife Elin retains the rights to his 7,000-foot home in Isleworth as part of the divorce, so he’ll be moving into a new home in Jupiter, Florida, made entirely of golf courses and sadness. Woods previously tried living in Mars, Florida, but his ex-girlfriend teleported up there to convince him that human life mattered, and everything went to Hell.

“I’m excited about that and even more excited about my new practice facility. It’s phenomenal. Working with my team, I designed the short-game facility and oversaw its construction. It features four greens, six bunkers with different depths and kinds of sand, a video center and a putting studio. If no wind is blowing, the longest club I can hit is a 7-iron. It’s also set up so I can hit shots out of my second-story studio.”

This sounds like the coolest home ever designed by me in middle school. I think mine had a moat, and a detachable space shuttle like the Serenity that allowed me to fly away when my parents visited. Tiger will now have the ability to hit golf balls into a lonely abyss while in his underwear surrounded by slapped, thrown-around and freshly urinated-upon porn stars. He won’t have to see his kids or anything! Hashtag, winning!

The blog update gave no word on whether or not Earl Woods will be able to communicate to his son via the home’s enormous crystal structures.

We are all faced with once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and it is how we deal with those shots that defines us as men. And occasionally women, I guess, if they discover an awesome recipe or a new way to type shorthand. That opportunity arrived for horse racing announcer Larry Collmus this past Sunday and he took the bull by the horns, but in this case the bull is a horse and the horns are ironic names.

Collmus called the seventh race at Monmouth Park in Oceanpark, New Jersey, and the race came down to the wire between two horses – Mywifenoseverything and Thewifedoesntknow. Ultimately, Mywifenoseverything won despite terrible grammar, but the real winner was Collmus, and his prize is newfound Internet glory. The loser was Tiger Woods, because millions of people are going to post this video on Facebook along with comments like, “I didn’t know Tiger Woods owned horses” and their co-workers will LOL all day long.

Tell us, was the mood tense for Collmus, Metro UK:

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