The best flagrant fouls should always involve Tyler Hansbrough.

A few years ago, I was at my local Publix buying some pregnancy tests when I ended up sharing the elevator to the parking garage with Bo Outlaw. Another guy started a conversation with him and asked if fouls were really as bad as some players made them seem, and Outlaw said that NBA players have it worse than NFL players because they don’t get pads. I scoffed at that idea and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “You try being 7-feet tall and getting thrown to the ground while you’re jumping” and I thought to myself, “Well, I’m 5-10, chubby and I don’t jump a lot, so I’ll take your word for it, Chet.”

The point of this week’s edition of “Cool Story, Bro” is that someone named Mike B or Mike 8, depending on your comprehension of fonts, made a video called the NBA Flagrant Foul Mix, and it’s an incredibly hilarious reminder that NBA players have loved beating the sh*t out of each other for a long, long time.

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Soon after, Michael peeled the foil away and enjoyed his chocolate prize.

According to various sources, Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade is worth as much as $70 million and made approximately $26 million over the past year, between his NBA contract and 11 or so endorsement deals. He also sleeps next to Gabrielle Union, and that’s priceless. That’s all worth noting because it was Wade who caused a stink a few months ago when he said that he and his fellow NBA superstars should be paid for playing in the 2012 Summer Olympics, just like all of the other athletes from around the world. No wait, he didn’t say that second part, because it’s not true.

The truth is not many of the 15,000 athletes that are about to compete for just 1,000 medals receive anything other than a cool trip to London for their efforts. Well, except maybe a few dozen STDs. Adam Taylor at Business Insider had a very interesting article up yesterday about how much various Olympic athletes actually earn, and perhaps the most shocking revelation is that the International Olympics Committee made more than $745 million during the setup and payoff of the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

From the U.S. alone. Maybe Wade doesn’t seem like such a dick after all.

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Far be it for me to judge another man, or specifically a man with millions of dollars, a smoking hot model/actress girlfriend, and two NBA championships, but I couldn’t help but at least slightly raise my eyebrow when Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade posted the above photo of what I believe is his foot on his Instagram account with the following message: “Matte black paint… RockStar ish.”

So yeah, one of the best basketball players in the world paints his toenails. Close your eyes, clear your mind, take a deep breath, and imagine the stupid responses that he received.

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Before the NBA Finals began, there was some talk about two adult film actresses who had pledged to perform oral sex on all of their combined Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the championship. I didn’t bother looking to see who the two starlets were, because I knew that they weren’t Kayden Kross or Andy San Dimas, so it didn’t matter to me. I mean, I was at church and I don’t know who those girls are or… whatever, it’s Friday.

The actual ladies in question are Angelina Castro and Sara Jay (semi-NSFW) – pictured above in their own crudely photoshopped tribute to the Heat – and according to their Tweets from last night, drop yo pants, fellas. And bring some Purell.

Ew. Everything about this. Just, ew.

I’d love to see the guys who show up to this, though. Real winners in that crowd, I’d expect. Probably wearing Mike Miller jerseys.

But I’m not one to crap on honest-to-goodness sports fans, so congrats, Sara Jay and Angelina Castro! Congrats, Miami Heat fans! Congrats, LeBron James and Chris Bosh! And congrats Centers for Disease Control!

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Someone sent me the above image of LMFAO “performing” during timeouts at Game 5 of the NBA Finals last night, and all I could think was: “This is Miami in a nutshell.” It’s overindulgence at its finest. I mean, they were celebrating during the game. But it doesn’t matter now, because the Miami Heat are the NBA Champions and LeBron James and Chris Bosh finally have their vindication (of sorts).

I bring no ill will today, as the Heat earned this title, and I predicted it would happen before the season, so I’ll just sit here and be glad that for once in my insignificant life, I was right about something. But I can’t help but share the video showing how James, Bosh, and Dwyane Wade celebrated their title – presumably before they rolled around on mountains of cash with naked models.

I present to you: LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade rapping with LMFAO, or the most Miami Heat thing you’ll ever see.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: This GIF is also very Miami Heat.

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“LeBron James stands at the cusp/doorstep/brink/edge/diving board/gates/feet/nipples of greatness,” the copy editors are shouting this morning, as sports fans everywhere eagerly anticipate what will be a moment of celebration for some and Armageddon for others. Unless the Oklahoma City Thunder pull off a miracle comeback never before seen in NBA Finals history, James will have his first NBA Championship, undoubtedly paired with a Finals MVP.

Join us tonight as we wait to see if the man who dubbed himself King James has taken the correct does of Midol to rid himself of the cramps he suffered late in Game 4. Will Dwyane Wade overcome his child custody issues that have barely been mentioned (myself included, whoops) to help push his best friend over the edge of greatness? Will the haters finally be silenced and bow down before their ultimate NBA overlord? Will Scott Brooks learn how to coach the Thunder? Will someone explain a shot clock to Russell Westbrook?

Answer these questions and more with us tonight at 9 PM ET (on ABC, of course) for our Game 5 live discussion. And share this post on Facebook and Twitter to unlock tonight’s “Reminder” Badge, just in case James does end up celebrating with his legions of Uggs- and white sunglasses-wearing #HEATBROS in South Beach tonight.