Via Yahoo! Movies came the exclusive news yesterday that NBA free agent superstar center Dwight Howard, formerly of the Orlando Magic and possibly the Los Angeles Lakers, has already made one decision about where he’ll be playing in the immediate future – a movie studio sound booth. The man who calls himself Superman but has a spine more qualified to play Reed Richards has signed on to voice a character in the upcoming animated film Free Birds.

Starring (the voices of) Woody Harrelson, Owen Wilson and Amy Poehler, Free Birds is a Thanksgiving-themed story about some turkeys who travel back in time to stop humans from turning them into the official birds of Thanksgiving. Howard would play “Cold Turkey” and I’m assuming that he’s going to be some sort of civil rights era, jive-talking bird that would put Michael Bay’s minstrel bots to shame.

Howard landed the role because he’s repped by Relativity Sports and Relativity is producing Free Birds along with Reel FX. In fact, the Relativity is quite proud to show off its talented flock of acting athletes, as evidenced in their “We Crush Acting” comedy video released earlier this week.

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Tonight is Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the defending NBA champion Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers, which means Dwight Howard is sitting at home on his couch eating Cheetos, Twitter searching “Dwight Howard Kobe Bryant” and angrily refreshing his phone.

Howard’s run in/disappointing departure from the Orlando Magic was covered at length by our in-house Magic fan Ashley Burns, and a psychologically damaging season with the Los Angeles Lakers left him with not much to do besides get scared by inflatables, get slimed at the Kid’s Choice Awards and booty dance with will.i.am. He also lost a shooting contest to a hockey mascot. Not even a BASKETBALL mascot.

It’s in the spirit of that last link that we give you DWIGHT HOWARD LOSING A FREE-THROW COMPETITION TO A HOUSEWIFE. It’s got everything you expect from Dwight Howard in 2013: missed shots, tons of excuses and a loss. Enjoy!

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Even after my team locked up the worst record in the NBA, I’m trying hard to enjoy the NBA Playoffs because I think what LeBron James and the Miami Heat are doing this season, despite being what we’ve expected them to do from day one, is legendary stuff, and I think that the West is going to provide us with some exciting basketball all the way through Game 7 of the Conference Finals, before the eventual winner has to play the Heat in the NBA Finals.

Two things, though, are annoying the bejesus out of me. One, as always, is the completely idiotic scheduling that gives teams two days off between certain games, and is the reason why BASEketball gave us that hilarious scene about drawn out playoffs. The other, though, can only be explained with a Seinfeld reference. You know how Kramer practically has a seizure every time he hears Mary Hart’s voice? Well, that’s me with will.i.am.

Except instead of a seizure, I get really punchy. Case in point, ESPN’s “That Power” NBA Playoffs commercial, starring will.I.am and players from all of the playoff teams except for the ones that ESPN and the NBA don’t care about.

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(spoiler alert: Side with the deer.)

What you’re about to witness is the epic confrontation between Dwight Howard and “Bango,” the inflatable equivalent of the Milwaukee Bucks mascot, filled by a man who is willing to stand in the hallway of the BMO Harris Bradley Center and pretend to be an immobile roadside balloon statue (or whatever) until Dwight Howard walks by. If you can’t tell them apart, Dwight Howard is the one that dresses like Minkus from ‘Boy Meets World,’ assuming Minkus was 11 feet tall.

Okay, so maybe “epic” is the wrong word, but it’s always nice to see anthropomorphic inflatables getting the psychological edge on a popular basketball star. Video is after the jump.

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I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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I’ll preface this rant/whiny hissy fit by saying that I know that people have complained in the past that I write about the Orlando Magic too much, and a lot of people don’t really give a crap about my favorite NBA team. So to make up for that, I’ve included a bunch of GIFs of my favorite ladies, so you can just skip ahead to that if you don’t give a sh*t about my butthurt opinions.

That said, I originally had about 2,700 words written about last night’s Orlando Magic game that I attended, and how I felt about Dwight Howard in a Lakers jersey returning to the arena that was built for him. But he’s not worth that many words. He’s really not even worth the 127 words that I had written up to this point.

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