As the Red Sox head to the playoffs yet again, the Boston Globe has turned out the definitive article on Dustin Pedroia, a well-written but otherwise fluffy piece that elaborates on the long odds Pedroia overcame and applauds his confidence and trash-talking skills.  The key excerpt, however, recounts Pedroia’s ping-pong match against Brady Quinn:

Pedroia’s ping-pong victims include Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn, whom Pedroia baited into a match last year at the Athletes’ Performance Institute in Arizona. Never mind that Quinn, a rugged 6-foot-3 and 235 pounds, towered over him.

Yes, because intimidating size is a huge factor in the bruising sport of table tennis.  He’s so brave!

“You want a piece of me, meat?” Pedroia said.

[Andre] Ethier, who witnessed the scene, said, “Dustin was talking smack to him the whole time, talking about how he would sack Brady and put him on his back. Dustin absolutely destroyed him, and Brady couldn’t stand losing to someone who is 5-foot-something. It was pretty incredible.”

Also incredible?  The sexual tension in that room.  I wasn’t there and I could feel it.  Brady Quinn didn’t like losing to the little man.  Pedroia talked down to Quinn.  Balls flew at people’s faces.  Hey fellas, get a room why doncha?

[Fan IQ]

So somebody asked Tigers manager Jim Leyland about what pitcher Jason Grilli sad about the team missing Sean Casey this season. And Leyland wasn't at a loss for words. 

Don't tell anyone, but I was as mad as hornets when the Reds let Sean Casey go and kept that douchebag Austin Kearns, who isn't even with the team anymore. I have no idea why no one likes Sean Casey, other than that his last name is kind of gender ambiguous. And he can't really field. Besides that, he's awesome.

[The World of Isaac] 

Thanks to the very lovely Texas Gal at Center Field for alerting me to this charity dance contest among Red Sox players:

Each player was paired with a professional dance partner who, in two hours, taught merengue and salsa steps that usually take two weeks to master. The event was Cuban-themed to celebrate Lowell's heritage. It didn't take long for his teammates to lighten the mood, beginning with Papelbon, whom [sic] came out in a black lace top — a hard look for any dancer to pull off, not to mention one with a build like the intimidating Red Sox closer. Pedroia came out and proceeded to rip off his shirt while dancing his best. Red Sox manager Terry Francona attended the event, while teammates Jason Varitek, Tim Wakefield, Josh Beckett, Javier Lopez, Sean Casey and Jacoby Ellsbury all provided emotional support and some unbiased judging during the nerve-wracking dancing contest.

In a related story, I hold a Cuban themed dance contest every year on my birthday at the gentlemen's club. The most popular dance? The "Lewinsky". -KD  

Kenny Rogers is 41 years old and has always sucked in the playoffs, but now he's a force of nature. He threw 7 1/3 scoreless innings last night, allowing only two singles as the Tigers beat the A's 3-0. This follows his ALDS-clinching win over the Yankees, where his curveball was devastating and you could read his lips as he said things like, "Fuck yeah!" and "Gimme that fuckin' ball!" after striking out another Yankee. He has now thrown 15 shutout innings this postseason, giving him the title Apprentice Old Badass.

The Master Old Badass, of course, remains Jim Leyland. Rogers is 41 and still pitching lights-out, and Leyland is now 186 years old and wearing spikes in the dugout. Previously we knew him by the name William T. Sherman. After burning all of Georgia to the ground, Leyland finds managing an upstart team to the World Series a piece of cake. I guess it's ironic that he beat the Yankees after fighting for them for so long.

Of course, I actually don't speak a lick of Spanish, but that didn't stop the Tigers from winning their fifth straight postseason game last night. Alexis Gomez, who twice got sent to the minors this year on his way to six RBI in 103 big league at-bats, went 2-4 with a homer and four RBI. He also has a girl's name.

Not that any of that matters to the Tigers. They've got Jim Leyland. Their players could all be named Mary, Nancy, and Alice, and Leyland would still get production out of them. Still, though, I like my male sports stars to have male names. Just one of my foibles. I guess it's cool for other countries to give their boys girls names (Gomez is Dominican, and the Raptors' Andrea Bargnani is Italian). But if I worked in another country, and I met girls with my name, that would tip me off that I need to find a manly nickname. Or go by my pseudonym in my other line of work, Hugh Strongcock. And now I've said too much.

Anyway, let me solve the problem: Alex Gomez. Andy Bargnani. Boom, you have men's names. Welcome to America. 

Three of the four playoff series start today, beginning with the A's tilting at windmills in Minnesota at 1 p.m. Eastern, brought to you by ESPN. The Cardinals and Padres begin their irrelevant series at 4 p.m., then FOX has the Tigers-Yankees opener at 8:00.

A lot of people think the Tigers have no chance, but I'm not so sure. But I only think that way because I hate Joe Torre's nose-picking, Steinbrenner's uninhibited spending, turncoat ex-Mariner A-Rod's delicate ego, Bobby Abreu's scary troll face, Posada's dorky nose and weak chin, ugly-ass turncoat ex-Mariner Randy Johnson, turncoat ex-Mariner Tino Martinez, the endless press given to mildly retarded Johnny Damon, Melky Cabrera's stupid first name, the team's bloated history of success… I could really keep going for a couple pages. Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera, however,  I actually sort of respect.

Anyway, don't count out Jimmy Leyland. Look at that picture. He looks ready to reach a little further into his pants, pull out his cock, and beat somebody to death with it. I bet that thing weighs a ton and has barbed wire on it.