First of all, let me get this out of the way: “How is John?” “John S. Fine.”
Second of all, who wants to see the greatest alley-oop of all time? “But Brandon,” you’re saying out-loud to your computer screen, “I see great alley-oops all the time. The NBA is 90% alley-oops now. The Clippers made it to the playoffs doing nothing BUT alley-oops. You’d have to have something really exceptional to make me care.”
Feast your eyes on Pat the Roc at the CRL Good Life Foundation Celebrity Game. The. End.
The world outside is scary right now, so I suggest we spend this entire Friday reliving the happier moments of this year, like the time DeAndre Jordan baptized Brandon Knight against his will and that other time when Blake Griffin dunked all stupid when he didn’t have to.
The NBA playoffs start tomorrow, so the NBA’s YouTube channel posted their picks for the top 10 dunks of the year. A lot of these have appeared in the Wednesday Dunk Battle, so it’s a pleasant trip down a brutal memory lane. Remember when LeBron James made Jason Terry feel like a useless asshole? Remember when Kobe remembered how good he can be and dunked on the entire Brooklyn Nets line-up? Good times.
The NBA’s top 10 is after the jump, followed by the ACTUAL best dunk of the year.
screengrab via SBN
After a brief hiatus to deal with objective weekly winners like DeAndre Jordan’s dunk on Brandon Knight, LeBron’s ridiculous circus posterization of Jason Terry and Doug Anderson’s destruction of the space-time continuum, the Wednesday Dunk Battle is back!
If this is your first Dunk Battle, here are the rules: You have to watch the following dunks and vote on which one is the best, because science doesn’t do itself. There’s a handy poll at the bottom, so take your time and go through each clip frame by frame, vote, then drop down into the comments section to let us know who you voted for.
This week’s dunks:
1. Russell Westbrook elevates and dunks on the Utah Jazz
2. LeBron James alley-oops the ball to himself off the backboard and dunks, because LeBron James
3. Blake Griffin goes for a finger roll, calls an audible, dunks his finger roll
4. Terrence Ross’ 360 180 degree jam
Conan O’Brien wrapped up his week in Atlanta last night with a terrific bit that combined a number of things very near and dear to me: 1) Dunks; 2) Charles Barkley; 3) Mean jokes at Shaq’s expense; 4) References to Dick Vitale’s penis (don’t ask); and 5) Stupid shenanigans involving trampolines and silly costumes. Pretty much the perfect storm for me.
Specifically, the bit was called “Weird Dunking Mascots,” and it featured Barkley and Vitale critiquing a number of awful dunk attempts by the insane mascots the show created, (examples include Obese Colonel Sanders and Superman With His Cape Stuck In A Toilet) and tossing some pretty decent burns at each other in the process. Say what you will about Dick Vitale as an announcer, I give him a world of credit for going back to the old fat joke well more than once for his digs at Barkley. That’s dedication. And I give Barkley a world of credit for blowtorching Shaq, his Inside the NBA co-host, with that Superman line. Charles ain’t care, not even a little.
But mostly I’m posting this so I can give a public shoutout to Obese Colonel Sanders, who somehow got the ball to go in the basket despite jumping off a trampoline while wearing a big poofy fat suit and fake facial hair on national television. That alone makes him more qualified to earn starter minutes in the NBA than Spencer Hawes.
This infographic (“info” graphic) appeared on the flagship television show from the Worldwide Leader in Sports. The image of the infographic comes from Reddit, which is part of the Internet, which in total cannot believe that people are getting paid to whip up shitty infographics like this for the Worldwide Leader in Sports.
The worst part is … well, its existence, but the other worst part is how unhelpful it is. Half of it is super vague. GET TURNOVER. DUNK. STARE DOWN. I don’t think they put all of that on the poster. Posters are singular images, not Sportsflix. And then the true gem, “fast break with Norris Cole.” That’s awfully specific, guys! I guess at ESPN, LeBron James is the only dude who gets to be on posters. I’d love to see Blake Griffin get depressed that nobody’s ever taken a picture of him dunking and demand that the Clippers trade for Norris Cole.
Here’s how to make a pie, courtesy of ESPN:
- buy groceries
- turn on your oven
- ask Dwyane Wade to lob you a cookie sheet
- eat the pie
While last week’s Beef Thursdays column featured actual beef, in the sense that athletes were trying to rip each other’s heads off en route to a horrific international incident that could have only been prevented by the United Nations or James Bond, this week’s edition is more of an imposed sense of rivalry. Namely, we thought that Los Angeles Clippers center DeAndre Jordan became the clear frontrunner for Dunk of the Year last week, but then LeBron James popped up this week and said, “Hold on just one second.”
Funny how I’ve always thought we’d never be able to settle a Jordan-James debate.
Jordan and the Clippers raised the bar for humiliating opponents last week, when the 6’11” dunk machine threw down over an incredibly mismatched Brandon Knight. The result was two point for Jordan and a meeting with the floor for Knight.
