Okay, so maybe this is a case of Phil Mickelson being a butthole to somebody who was just trying to be friendly, but it could also be a revolutionary step toward removing assy form-questions from the sports guy/journalist equation. Sort of like Bill Engvall’s ‘Here’s Your Sign’ jokes, but more direct, and with less horrible Bill Engvall.

The conversation moves to “dumb questions,” and while Phil ribs Sands a little (the two have a past), he explains that it isn’t the dumbest question he’s been asked. That honor goes to a gentleman that works for MasterCard, who asked Phil a question that most would consider rhetorical. (via Devil Ball Golf)

“You lookin’ forward to Augusta?”

(laugh track goes here)

“Nope! Dreadin’ it! I’m thinkin’ ’bout tradin’ in m’golf clubs for a set a BOWLIN’ BALLS. Just roooll ‘em onto the green. Heeeere’s your sign.”

That’s close enough, right? Jesus, I feel so dirty.

As a Washington Capitals fan, I was stoked to see them top the New York Rangers on Wednesday and force a game 7. If I had to compare it to one thing, I’d compare it to the excitement Todd Beamer felt when he decided he was ready to roll on United Airlines Flight 93. Wait, no I wouldn’t, because that would be f**king ignorant.

But here we are. CBC’s Ron MacLean intro’d game 6 by comparing Ryan Callahan and Alex Ovechkin (pictured, right) to 9/11 first responders. Somehow this game wasn’t broadcast on the Onion News Network. “They ARE like police officers, they ARE like firefighters” is especially insipid, and the reason MacLean thinks dying in a collapsing skyscraper and one game of a seven game hockey playoff are similar is “you can’t fight fire with ego”. Or “eagle”, I’m not really sure what he’s saying. You can’t fight fire with either of them, and either word makes the same amount of sense in context.

Ron should spend the rest of the playoffs saying stuff like this, if only for the publicity. He could turn CBC into the Fox News of sports. I want to see him compare Marian Hossa to Trayvon Martin.

[video via Puck Daddy]

Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes jumped on Twitter to post pictures from the team’s Halloween party, and I really do wish I could say “Paul Bissonnette as Hacksaw Jim Duggan” was the news to share, even if he thinks Hacksaw said “OOOH” instead of the proper “HOOO”. No, what you see above is winger Raffi Torres as “Jay-Z”, complete with brown skin, and his wife, who I guess thinks a ton of self-tanner and a sparkly dress constitutes Beyonce.

Bissonnette was quick to defend his teammate thinking this was a good idea:

“As far as everyone trying to call ‘Racism’ because Raffi dressed up like Jay-Z can simmer down. He’s a huge Jay-Z fan.”

And that leads us to the next few sentences, which you (and I’m talking to Raffi Torres directly, here) should read carefully and commit to memory:

I get it. You aren’t a racist. You like black people. You wanted to be a black guy you like for Halloween, and that guy has brown skin, so you made your skin brown. When someone like you dons an “innocent blackface”, much like Spanky did that time he put shoe polish on his face to escape the house dressed as Buckwheat, it causes rambling, point-and-counterpoint discussion about the history of prejudice and the widespread ignorance of entitlement on every sports blog and news show known to man. Here’s the quick version … it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re trying to be racist. Wearing blackface, especially in 2011, especially when you’re a sports celebrity and especially when people are taking pictures of you to put on the Internet, makes you the dumbest motherf**ker alive.

You’re stupid. You’re a dumb, stupid idiot. Don’t do this. Just don’t. That’s the end of the discussion. It’s a bad idea, regardless of what percentage non-white you happen to be or how many black people you talk to on Facebook. Your thought process should be “I should dress up as Jay-Z for Halloween … haha too bad I’m not a black guy” and then you dress up as Peanut Butter Jelly Time or the Black Swan or whateveer.

“Jay-Z” isn’t even a good costume for a black guy, it’s just “black guy in Yankees hat and sunglasses”. Jay’s wearing a Biggie Smalls costume anyway.

Sports

Vintage Promos: Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer Goes Full Force - In an effort to get all the people who hate me covering wrestling to be okay with it (or even enjoy it), here’s a classic from my days at “AOL News” featuring IPW’s most famous full force-going table-turner Jeff Farmer. If you aren’t laughing at the first word out of his mouth, there’s no hope for you. [HuffPo Presents The Sporting News]

Troy Polamalu Tries To Go Viral - I almost wrote about this yesterday, then thought about it for about four seconds and realized I’d be more or less posting about Powerade commercials. In no universe can you swipe at someone’s giant mess with hair clippers and come away with a perfect bald spot. The comments on the video are hilarious, though. [Shutdown Corner]

Nic Cage’s Son Plans to Prove Sanity by Becoming a Cage Fighter - He’s been practicing on his pregnant wife all year, so I’m sure he’ll do fine. Turns out Nicholas Cage’s son is more like a Napoleon Dynamite character than anyone in the world, including the guy that played Napoleon Dynamite. [Film Drunk]

Gallery: 10 Insane MMA Fan Tattoos - I think tattoos are beautiful, and I think body modification should have no social boundaries. That being said, 99% of people who have an idea for a tattoo should be shackled and thrown into a pit before being allowed to get them. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Dugout: The Upper Upper Deck - Jim Thome hits a huge home run and I finally get around to writing about it in capital letters. I lost my old copy of Photoshop when my computer crashed and I’m trying to build these things with paint and f’ing Netscape Navigator. If you can help a brother out, please do so. [The Dugout]

Evan Longoria Is Digging Alex Morgan -As a blogger and longtime fan, I know baseball players are the kings of pretending you don’t exist. That’s part of what makes this so funny. Oh, okay Kyle Farnsworth, if I was a hot soccer star you’d want to do an interview with me? Good to know. [With Leather]

20 More Wrestling Clips for Attack of the Show to “Discover” - If the Jeff Farmer video didn’t work, try this collection of videos from the world of independent wrestling that involve scared children, strippers, plush wrestling dragons and more. [With Leather]

The Tosh.0 Marathon - I was proud yesterday when my girlfriend mentioned that “Parks and Recreation” is “probably [her] favorite show”. Previously it was Tosh. Maybe she got sick of watching people break their bones and vomit. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Top 20 Villainous Laughs - A great list, but completely invalid due to the omission of Fiona, head of Mega Records from Josie and the Pussycats. Maybe they’re saving her for the top 20 instances of people yelling LIGHTS and having lights turn on. [Gamma Squad]

Andrew WK Likes Comics More Than You - Yeah, but I bet I like partying way more than him. [Adult Swim]

Which Nurse From Popular Culture Would You Prefer Be Treated By - As someone who was sick a lot as a kid I don’t entertain that nurse fantasy, and if I was in the hospital I’d want someone to make me well, not have sex with me. That being said, I’d probably pick Ann Perkins, because she’s been a nurse for a long time and seems like she’s good at her job, and also is extremely pretty. [Uproxx]

Maybe the Dumbest Woman In America - smdh [Warming Glow]

What is it about pregnant ladies that makes athletes want to punch them so badly? Brian Giles of the San Diego Padres (allegedly) slapped his pregnant girlfriend in the face, shook and kicked her, and battered her into a miscarriage. This was caught on alleged video tape, where we could allegedly watch him do it. Elijah Dukes has been arrested for pretty much everything, including “aggravated assault on a pregnant woman.” I ain’t even bullsh:tting. And now Lakers rookie forward Derrick Caracter has been arrested in a House of Pancakes for getting drunk and hitting a pregnant waitress in New Orleans.

A report from the New Orleans Times-Picayune shares the details.

Derrick Caracter, 22, was arrested about 1:18 a.m. Sunday at the IHOP in the 800 block of Canal Street, said New Orleans Police spokeswoman Shereese Harper.

Caracter, a 6-foot-9 forward who was in New Orleans for the playoffs series, was drunk and acting disorderly inside the restaurant, police said.

He “started grabbing and pulling” a pregnant waitress, prompting the manager to go outside and flag down a police officer, Harper said. The female officer tried to defuse the situation, Harper said, but Caracter remained obstinate. The officer arrested him.

In terms of sports, Caracter hasn’t played a second in the Lakers’ series against the Hornets, so his arrested and hopefully ensuing shame won’t change anything for the team. In terms of everything else that matters in the world, Jesus Christ, dude, how awful of a human being do you have to be to hit a woman, much less a pregnant woman, much less a pregnant lady stranger at the IHOP? I’m not being Jay Mariotti here, I’m actually concerned.

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Houston Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson is in some moral hot water this week, as his vacation to the Dominican Republic took a turn for the moronic after he Tweeted pictures of himself at a cockfight. While cockfighting is perfectly legal in the Dominican, that doesn’t relieve Jackson of the scrutiny he will face back here within the moral fabric of the U.S. of A. And he should be scrutinized because he’s a professional athlete, a prominent figure in his community, he makes more than $3 million a year (with more than $10 million of his contract guaranteed) and countless other athletes and celebrities have paved the way with their own forms of stupidity with animals. Has Richard Gere taught us nothing?

So what were the Tweets that have brought this attention to the guy who had 71 tackles and 2 interceptions in his rookie year for one of the NFL’s worst defenses?

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