Brace yourself for shocking news: a rich, popular 22-year old went out partying and made an irresponsible life decision. Set judgment eyeballs to stunned — San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was charged Saturday with DUI in Miami Beach on Saturday.

The report, which may’ve been written by a scoop-getting robot, from the New York Daily News:

Miami-Dade County jail records show Smith was booked Saturday morning and held on $1,000 bond. Jail records did not show whether Smith was represented by an attorney. A Miami-Dade County Corrections spokeswoman said Smith was arrested by Miami Beach police. A police spokesman said he had no information immediately available about the arrest.

The 49ers said in a statement Saturday that they were aware of the arrest.

“We take these issues very seriously, but will reserve further comment at this time, as this is an ongoing legal matter,” the team said. “The 49ers will continue to gather the facts and monitor the developments closely.”

You’ve got to love that the report is “Smith was arrested. He was arrested by police. Uh, police are people who do arrests. We don’t know anything else. Please visit our website”. They should’ve just said f**k it and ended their post with “in conclusion, Aldon Smith can be compared and contrasted”.

The link to the mugshot provided on Fark Sports reads “49ers linebacker Aldon Smith can’t be bothered to give a fark in his DUI arrest mugshot”, but I don’t think that’s the case. Sure, he might look a little U the I, but I think that’s just the way he takes pictures. I mean, look:

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Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

Detroit Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera was arrested one week ago for suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest in St. Lucie County, also known as Florida’s Alabama. Miggy notably drank from a bottle of scotch whiskey in front of the arresting officers and told them that they didn’t understand his pain, as they used knee spikes to get him into the police vehicle. Cabrera’s arraignment date was set yesterday, and the perennial MVP candidate is due in St. Lucie court on March 16, according to the Washington Post, but his lawyer will probably just show up and handle the dirty work for the two misdemeanor charges.

Meanwhile, as the Tigers have started their Spring Training affairs, Cabrera has yet to report and there is no apparent timetable for his first appearance, making this a boring story for now. So I thought to myself, “Hey Burnsy, you can do 1,000 pushups, so what can we add to this story?” And the answer is a Miguel Cabrera advice meme after the jump.

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