Hey kiddies, it’s time for a riddle!  What’s big and black and hard all over?  If you guessed Jayson Williams’ SCRAM bracelet, you would be correct.  If you guessed something else, you’re a total perv and it’s way too early for that crap.   Anyway, the ex-NBAer who’s no stranger to legal troubles has gotten himself into some more by getting hammered and deciding his car wanted to hump a tree.

Williams’ black Mercedes-Benz SUV veered across four lanes of oncoming traffic before slamming into a tree at an exit from FDR Drive in Manhattan around 3:15 a.m. Tuesday, according to a court complaint. He was found bleeding from the face and his breath smelled strongly of alcohol, the complaint said.

Police said Williams was alone in the passenger seat when officers arrived. He initially told them the driver left the scene, Assistant District Attorney William Beesch said. But a witness told police no one else had gotten in or out of the car, according to the complaint.–Foxsports.com

The bad news is that he just got busted for a DUI while waiting for his retrial for that one time when he kinda got schwasted and shot and KILLED SOMEONE.  But!  The good news is that he’s “sorry for causing trouble”.  “Sorry” always makes everything better, especially when you keep screwing up over and over and over again.

MORE MLB: The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of manager Eric Wedge. I guess you can’t fire the infantry…

There apparently has been some clamoring about how the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim United States North America Earth incorporated the jersey of their late pitcher Nick Adenhart into their champagne-soaked celebration of their AL West title. The jersey of Adenhart, who was killed in a hit-and-run by a driver under the influence earlier in the season, was soaked in champagne and alcohol during the celebration, which angered a lot of people hoping to see laundry treated more humanely. The Angels defended themselves yesterday.

“We wanted to celebrate with him like he was here,” reliever Kevin Jepsen, whose locker is just a few stalls away from Adenhart’s, said Tuesday. “If he was still here with us, we’d be pouring beer on him just like everybody else in here.[..]

Said third baseman Chone Figgins: “He’s our teammate. We’re allowed to do what we want.”

Manager Mike Scioscia said the gesture was meant as nothing more than homage to the 22-year-old…”You have to understand these players and the tribute, what it really means when you pour champagne on somebody,” Scioscia said. “That’s the tribute, not the fact that it was alcohol. It’s like getting a whipped-cream pie in the face after an interview. It’s part of the tribute. . . . I think it was very sincere, very real and I know it was meaningful to us.” via.

The dearth of convictions of “Driving While Pie-Faced” notwithstanding, I’ve never found it appropriate to judge other people’s reactions on how they handle death. Some people want to cry, some people get angry. Others just want to climb back on while the body’s still warm and “pay their final respects.” Pay them all over her chest and face. But that’s why America loves baseball. We still love baseball, right?

UPDATE: UPI is reporting that Stallworth will spend only 30 days in jail as part of his plea. Seriously?! You could spend more time in jail on a tour.

After pleading not guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge stemming from hitting a pedestrian in March, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth is expected to plead guilty today after agreeing to a plea deal with the prosecution. From the Miami CBS affiliate:

Now Stallworth has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to DUI manslaughter in exchange for a shortened jail sentence followed by a lengthy probation period.

Terry Chavez, spokeswoman for the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office, said the Reyes family had been pushing hard to resolve the case. “We have been in intense negotiations for the past couple of days,” Chavez said. “We always take the victim’s wishes into account.”

That push may have had something to do with the cash settlement to which the Reyes family agreed with Stallworth (thanks, flubby on the KSK twitter). Terms of Stallworth’s length of stay in prison were not mentioned in the report; that’ll be up to the judge. Of course, Stallworth could still face the most severe punishment: playing the rest of his career with the Cleveland Browns. Ugh, no thanks. Orange jumpsuits are more fashionable than orange helmets anyday.

Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports is reporting that Cleveland Browns wideout Donte’ Stallworth could beat a DUI manslaughter charge based on a technicality in the Florida legal code. Stallworth, you’ll remember, was finally charged six weeks ago after mowing down a pedestrian in March and subsequently blowing a .126 on the drinky-meter:

According to Florida’s DUI manslaughter law, there are exceptions under what is called “causation” of an accident. In short, someone who is driving drunk and causes an accident is not necessarily responsible if the other party did something to contribute to the accident. Florida statute 316.119 was changed in the 1980s to reflect that after a state Supreme Court judge ruled that the state’s previous strict liability standard on drunken drivers was essentially unfair.

The exception is based on the idea that if a drunken driver stopped at an intersection was hit by another car and the driver of the other car died, the drunken driver should not be held responsible.

The issue of “causation” would be satisfied in that the pedestrian was jaywalking when Stallworth hit him. Stallworth, who is scheduled for arraignment today, could see any jailtime fall from up to 15 years down to a matter of months. I guess that’s why they paint those white lines at street corners. Maybe this will serve as a message to all those jagoffs that jaywalk really slowly right in front of my approaching car. One of these days, I’m just gonna roll over one of those people. And don’t that little fake jog pretending to get out of the way, either. Unless you have enormous breasts. In which case, hey baby, what’s your hurry?

This might be a couple weeks old, but it’s still another float in the parade of questionable judgement in high school coaching continues, so here it is. We go to, ironically enough, the Beaver State of Oregon. Michael Todd (not pictured), who was the baseball coach at Portland Lincoln High School, resigned from that position after school administrators learned that he allegedly took three students to a strip club on a team trip in San Francisco.

From The Oregonian:

Two volunteer coaches who went to the strip club also resigned Friday, Cowie said. Their identities were not released, and Cowie said he did not know the coaches’ relationship to team members or the Southwest Portland school.

The strip-club incident was reported to school officials by students who had heard about it from baseball team members, Cowie said.

The resignation comes six weeks after another Lincoln coach, David Adelman, was arrested on accusations of driving under the influence of intoxicants.

Adelman, the boys’ basketball coach and son of Houston Rockets coach Rick Adelman, remains on staff pending disciplinary measures. Most people would say that the DUI is so much worse than taking high-school aged kids someplace they’d probably end up anyway, but strips clubs are no place for young adults. You know how much a Diet Coke is in a strip club?! It’s like five bucks! Is that the kind of thing we really want our kids to be around?

UPDATE: The Herald is reporting that Stallworth had a BAC of 0.12 at the time of that crash Saturday morning. The legal limit is 0.08; the police have not confirmed the story.

Police are still investigating the man vs. car showdown that killed a 59-year old Miami resident when he was struck by a Bentley driven by Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth. Stallworth was driving down a causeway linking Miami and Miami Beach on Saturday morning when he struck Mario Reyes, a crane operator who had literally just finished his shift for the day. As of this writing, no charges have been filed.

Items still unclear are whether Stallworth was under the influence of drugs or alcohol while he was behind the wheel. The Miami Herald has video of the sobriety test that police issued Stallworth on the scene after the collision. Police drew blood from Stallworth at the scene, and at least one report says Stallworth will be charged with DUI manslaughter.
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