Brace yourself for shocking news: a rich, popular 22-year old went out partying and made an irresponsible life decision. Set judgment eyeballs to stunned — San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was charged Saturday with DUI in Miami Beach on Saturday.

The report, which may’ve been written by a scoop-getting robot, from the New York Daily News:

Miami-Dade County jail records show Smith was booked Saturday morning and held on $1,000 bond. Jail records did not show whether Smith was represented by an attorney. A Miami-Dade County Corrections spokeswoman said Smith was arrested by Miami Beach police. A police spokesman said he had no information immediately available about the arrest.

The 49ers said in a statement Saturday that they were aware of the arrest.

“We take these issues very seriously, but will reserve further comment at this time, as this is an ongoing legal matter,” the team said. “The 49ers will continue to gather the facts and monitor the developments closely.”

You’ve got to love that the report is “Smith was arrested. He was arrested by police. Uh, police are people who do arrests. We don’t know anything else. Please visit our website”. They should’ve just said f**k it and ended their post with “in conclusion, Aldon Smith can be compared and contrasted”.

The link to the mugshot provided on Fark Sports reads “49ers linebacker Aldon Smith can’t be bothered to give a fark in his DUI arrest mugshot”, but I don’t think that’s the case. Sure, he might look a little U the I, but I think that’s just the way he takes pictures. I mean, look:

Read the rest of this entry »

Thank goodness Kurt Angle is so intense, because he’s thrown integrity and intelligence out the window.

The four-time WWE Champion and 1996 Olympic gold medalist in freestyle wrestling was arrested in Virginia early Sunday morning on charges of driving under the influence. Again. From TMZ:

Law enforcement tells TMZ … Angle’s car was spotted by another driver … swerving between lanes on I-66. Angle was busted by Virginia State Troopers, who responded to the call, and taken to Warren County Jail.

He posted $2,000 bond and was released at 3:31 AM.

There are a lot of ellipses in the TMZ recap, so I don’t know how the arrest actually happened, but I am sad enough of a wrestling fan to know that this is Angle’s third arrest for driving when he shouldn’t since 2007; He was arrested at his Pennsylvania home in 2007 for DUI after almost running a lady over at a restaurant, and again in March of this year for “being in control of a motor vehicle while intoxicated” and failing a field sobriety test in North Dakota. It’s his second arrest as TNA/Impact Wrestling World Champion, a company that just released one of their biggest stars for doing the same thing. Impact Wrestling’s response to Angle’s arrest will be very telling, but keep in mind that the major advertising point for this week’s episode is the return of Jeff Hardy, the brother of the first guy they released for drunk driving, who asks the fans for “one last shot” despite awaiting trial for drug trafficking. So, uh.

You’d think a guy with an Olympic gold medal could avoid taking so many mugshots. We’ll have more information as the story gets sadder and sadder.

Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

If you’re like me you spend a lot of time concerned about the love lives of the world’s wealthiest professional athletes. Like, Tiger Woods, for instance, who was callously dumped by his wife Elin Nordegren last year all because he “had sex” with “a bunch of whores”. Whatever happened to “’til death do us part”, Elin?

Well if you’re worried about El Tigre, don’t be. Because he’s back on the horse, and by horse I mean he’s banging dating a 22-year old girl now. The girl in question is Alyse Lahti, daughter of former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Lahti and a volleyball star at the University of New Hampshire. And yes, that is Alyse in the Proactiv ad mugshot to the right. She was arrested for DUI last year in my beloved Orange County, Florida.

Which begs the question – She lives in Orlando and I live in Orlando, she likes to drink and I like to drink, so why aren’t we dating? Is it the fact that I’m not a billionaire professional athlete? Wow, that’s pretty shallow, Alyse. And to think I was going to let you sleep in my With Leather t-shirt.

If you’re into Facebook stalking, you can check out more photos of Alyse at the Palm Beach Post. But I try to respect a girl’s privacy. Except in public restrooms.

Cleveland Browns defensive lineman Shaun Rogers is having an offseason for the ages. After bringing a gun into an airport earlier in the year (he got probation), the big fella managed to tail a drunk driver down the interstate until he could be apprehended by authorities.

Rogers made the call around 11:08 PM on July 15 — warning that he was following a car that was swerving all over Interstate 71 … and had blown a tire after smashing into the center divider.

During the call, Rogers directs law enforcement to his exact location — and when the perp’s car came to a stop in the middle of traffic, Rogers pulled up behind the other ride and activated his emergency lights to prevent a collision.

The suspect was eventually arrested on suspicion of DUI after blowing “extremely high” on a breath test.
–TMZ, via Ramblings of the Unmotivated.

Emergency lights…ACTIVATE! Seriously, why can’t they just say “flipped on his blinkers.” That’s what they are. Does it make me sound old when I say “blinkers?” What about “television set?” How can it be a set? It’s one thing. And it’s operated by a remote, not a “clicker.” Silly old people. They’re just so…hey, who the hell said you could stand on my lawn?

I guess it takes one to know one. California Highway Patrol officer Jerritt Greer, the cop that arrested Steelers Dolphins Cardinals linebacker Joey Porter last was arrested for DUI in 2008.

The police report states “Greer was driving erratically”. Greer displayed symptoms of alcohol intoxication and showed impairment during sobriety field tests, according to the arresting officer’s report.

Greer provided two evidentiary breath tests with a result of .10 percent and .11 percent blood alcohol content. The legal limit is .08 percent. –Bakersfield Now.

Greer’s case is still pending. How convenient. But sounds even more suspect after considering how the CHiPs apprehended Porter to begin with. Read the rest of this entry »