They are the same guy. No, really.

On Tuesday, we introduced you to Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. If you can’t figure it out by the title, it’s the first of three self-aggrandizing docu-novels about a tough, cool, successful fighter, written by a fat guy who used to fight and is now mostly famous for farting his life away in backyard deathmatches. Oh, and he has a dog named after Hitler. Because reasons. And “before” is missing an E, which is his thing, not mine.

Anyway, the two easiest jokes to write about Bar Brawler are 1) a sarcastic “he’s just like Ernest Hemingway,” and 2) he must’ve been drunk when he wrote this. Lucky for us, Tank Abbott is in on the joke, and revealed two important things about his debut novel — he was drunk when he wrote it, and it’s kind of like The Old Man And The Sea.

These are actual things Tank Abbott said.

I made sure I had a couple of drinks in me before I’d start taking pen to paper.

There could be 10,000 pages of fights if I was going on my memory, but … every fight in the book has a purpose and a meaning and it’s written very metaphorically,” Abbott said. “Everything has a purpose. It’s not just like a biography where someone says, ‘Oh, I was wrestling in high school and then I went to college and I dropped out because my girlfriend wouldn’t write papers anymore,’ that kind of stuff. … It’s not one of those things. It’s kind of like ‘Old Man and the Sea.’ It’s about finding your meaning in life and being lucky enough to live it. (via Sherdog)

This is the gift that keeps on giving. The book’s fights aren’t based on real fights, they’re VERY METAPHORICAL and there for a purpose. Best of all, Tank Abbott thinks the average person’s college experience is dropping out because your girlfriend stopped writing your papers. Real men don’t write papers, they write THREE BOOKS ABOUT FANTASY BAR FIGHTS.

I can’t with this thing. As soon as site favorite Jessica/Lobster Mobster gets her copy of B4 Their Was Rulez, I’m making her copy and paste the entire thing onto With Leather. I can’t wait to see whether or not the Hitler dog is based on a real dog.

Proving that no funny t-shirt goes unpunished, Dallas Mavericks shooting guard DeShawn Stevenson was arrested for public intoxication in Irving, Texas, on Tuesday night, two days after winning the NBA Championship. Police picked up Stevenson wandering around an apartment complex (where he does not live) in the middle of the night, and he had no idea where he was, or how this gigantic Abraham Lincoln face ended up on his throat.

From ESPN-Dallas reporter Tim MacMahon:

He was arrested without incident on the Class C misdemeanor charge based on the results of a sobriety test, officer’s observations and his statements.

“They felt he was a danger to himself and others,” Irving public information officer John Argumaniz said. “Basically, he was intoxicated to a point where he didn’t feel comfortable letting him walk away or leave. They didn’t have any other options at that point.”

The Mavericks say they were unaware of the arrest, probably because Mark Cuban was too busy taking pictures of himself pissing at a urinal with the Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy to watch the local news. They have no comment. The Internet of course has TONS AND TONS of comments, including a vague SO THIS IS WHO YOU CHEER FOR INSTEAD OF THE HEAT, INSTEAD OF LEBRON, BOSH, WADE, WHAT A JOKE talking point.

All I can really respond with is “yes, wandering around drunk in an apartment complex is not a really horrible thing, guys, that is like 90% of Memorial Day.”

[via NBCDFW]

Detroit Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera was arrested one week ago for suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest in St. Lucie County, also known as Florida’s Alabama. Miggy notably drank from a bottle of scotch whiskey in front of the arresting officers and told them that they didn’t understand his pain, as they used knee spikes to get him into the police vehicle. Cabrera’s arraignment date was set yesterday, and the perennial MVP candidate is due in St. Lucie court on March 16, according to the Washington Post, but his lawyer will probably just show up and handle the dirty work for the two misdemeanor charges.

Meanwhile, as the Tigers have started their Spring Training affairs, Cabrera has yet to report and there is no apparent timetable for his first appearance, making this a boring story for now. So I thought to myself, “Hey Burnsy, you can do 1,000 pushups, so what can we add to this story?” And the answer is a Miguel Cabrera advice meme after the jump.

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If I had a dollar for every time I saw a guy attempt to hit a golf ball out of a water hazard in miniature golf, only for the ball to be shot up out of the pond by a miniature fountain, and then struck with the putter off a rocky barricade and into the hole…I’d have a dollar. Seriously, man. You couldn’t do that again if you tried.

Props to the cameraman for not inducing nausea with his reaction. That’s always appreciated.

The punter for the Indianapolis Colts, Pat McAfee, was arrested at 5:00AM Wednesday morning for public intoxication in a neighborhood canal. Pat had a BAC of 0.15, and while there is no law on the books for intoxication limits for public waterways, McAfee does appear to be in violation of the Indiana law stating “baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.” (DumbLaws) Police were alerted after a woman called 911 reporting a wet, shirtless man stumbling towards her vehicle at a red light.

The money quote comes to us from The Daily Caller…

Officers asked McAfee if he had been swimming in the canal and he said “I am not sure,” according to a police report. They asked him how he got wet and he said it had been raining, then told officers that his shirt was “in the water.”

Police asked McAfee how much he had to drink.

“A lot cause I am drunk,” McAfee said, according to the report.

The Colts are investigating the matter. No word yet on pending team or league suspension so there’s no need to check your fantasy league waiver wire for a new punter just yet. This is the fourth Colts player to be arrested on an alcohol related charge this year, providing further evidence there really isn’t much to do in Indianapolis but get drunk and stumble around.

If there is one thing recreational golfers can associate with, it’s drinking. No matter the game friends go out and play, a few beers on the course is usually mandatory. That’s one of the reasons that golfers have always loved John Daly. Like most that chase the little white ball around, Daly is a little nuts, or a lot nuts, depending on which ex-wife you’re talking to.

Also, Daly never seemed to be able to totally pry his hands off the bottle. That’s why the John Daly, an alcoholic drink that takes the mixture of an Arnold Palmer and combines it with the sting of a vodka, was such a slam dunk. No matter what bar you swing by, if you scream at the waitress to pour you a John Daly, they’re going to know what you’re talking about.

But Daly didn’t. Up until Monday, Daly said he’d never heard of the drink, and is now taking to Twitter to rid the world of this drink being associated with his name.

I guess you can’t blame the guy for trying to get his name off something that nobody is paying him for, but if we don’t have the John Daly anymore to gulp down after our sixth straight round of 96, what do we have?

Mr. Daly, you will one day pass, but this drink will live forever. Think about it.