Does this look like somebody who’d have a severe drug problem?

38-year old pro wrestler Travis Tomko (aka “Tyson Tomko” or just “Tomko”) has topped Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer getting arrested for marijuana possession at a Cheesecake Factory as the month’s most random and least baller sports-world arrest by robbing a CVS Pharmacy of its Oxycodone, then going to a local Chili’s restaurant to ask for a soup spoon, ground up all 178 pills and inject them into his body. It also tops “Booker T once robbed a Wendy’s” as the best WWE fast food tragedy.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, Tomko went to a nearby Chili’s … where he asked his waitress for a spoon. When the server brought him a teaspoon, he asked for a “deeper spoon” … and when he got it, he took it to the men’s room … where he remained for 30 to 40 minutes.

Cops were eventually tipped off … and when they arrived on the scene, one officer says Tomko had “needle marks and blood running down his arm” … and had just flushed something down the toilet.

Tomko was taken into custody — and allegedly told police he has a “severe drug problem.”

To his credit, I spent 40 minutes in the bathroom the last time I was at Chili’s, too. He was taken to a hospital, then immediately taken to jail.

Tomko spent five years in TNA Wrestling and held one-half of their tag team championships, making him at least as good of a wrestler as Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones. He’s spent a lot of time in Japan, as well, but is best known for his seven-or-so years in World Wrestling Entertainment and that one time Christian asked him to “drop a beat” so he could battle rap John Cena and was refused. According to this report, that might’ve been the only time he’s ever said “no”.

Before becoming a wrestler, Tomko was a bodyguard for Limp Bizkit, and you can see him milling about in the “My Generation” video, so at least it’s comforting to know that getting sent to jail for shooting up 200 off-brand drug store painkillers in the worst of the family restaurants isn’t the saddest thing that’s ever happened to him.

Sh*t, you’re right.

Links

NFL Sunday School: The Colts Deliver Top-Notch Ruin Porn - Jon Bois asks, “What is the most Goldeneye weapon of all time?” by comparing them to NFL players. At least I think that’s what’s going on. My best memories of Jon and Goldeneye are of us hooking it up, him viciously killing me for about half an hour, then me never wanting to play again. [SBN]

Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts Sucktardery - Sometimes I wish I wrote for KSK so I could get away with words like “sucktardery”. I want to describe Andy Dalton has “transgenderiffic”. And my KSK name would be “Space Ghost, But A Horse”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Geeky Lunch Bag Art from an Awesome Dad - If Awesome Dad was truly Awesome Dad, he wouldn’t have let his son be named “Dylan”. These are pretty good, though. The most interest my parents ever gave school lunch was giving me a dollar 25. [Gamma Squad]

Bruce Hornsby On Tupac: “The Original ‘Changes’ Was A Lot Dirtier” - I hope it included a line about how Tupac f**ked Bruce Hornsby’s wife. [Smoking Section]

Darth Vader’s “Noooo!” Edited into Other Classic Movies - This shouldn’t be funny, but it really is. The Raiders part had me cracking up. [UPROXX]

Megan Fox on Shia LaBeouf, Her Public Image and Starting Over With ‘Friends With Kids’ - Hopefully “starting over” means taking off her Sugar & Spice bank robbery mask and going back to being that super, super hot girl from “Two & A Half Men”. [Moviefone]

Amy Winehouse’s Dad: Going Sober Killed Her - Everyone Else to Amy Winehouse’s Dad: No, It Probably Had More To Do With Her Taking A Sh*tload Of Drugs And Being A Strung-Out Junkie For 20 Years, Guy. [UPROXX]

Miss Japan Is Awesome - She absolutely is. Her English isn’t great, but she’s still more coherent and likable than Miss South Carolina. Japan, we must protect against AIDS, such as. [Warming Glow]

Celebrity Encounter: Schwarzenegger Snubs Shatner over Burritos - Celebrity Encounter, or “let’s see who was in touch with reality most recently”. The answer is Shatner, between the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” and the first movie. [Film Drunk]

11 Hats Modeled by This Cat - Yes, this is an Internet thing. [Buzzfeed]

Ricky Gervais, Jon Stewart, and Louis CK will host a mock Golden Globes telecast - They should give every award to Tyler Perry. OH MY LERDDDDD [FARK]

Santa and Jesus Remembered 9/11 - Sorry for the old South Park meme. [The Daily What]

Former WWE and TNA wrestling star Matt Hardy was arrested on Saturday in North Carolina for suspicion of driving while intoxicated after he drove his 2009 Corvette off the road and into a tree. Hardy wasn’t injured, but was released from TNA within the day with a quick statement that didn’t even wish him well in his future endeavors and included the phrase “already under suspension from the company.” That suspension was reportedly for excessive lateness, but probably had more to do with a YouTube video wherein Matt and his brother Jeff (currently awaiting trial for a 2009 arrest on drug charges) hold down Matt’s girlfriend and taze her.

Honestly it’s a confusing jumble of pro wrestling mess, but Matt, who is not afraid to be the most obnoxious person on the entire Internet, was quick to call conspiracy and deny all charges.

I took a? breathalyzer immediately on the spot and it read clean, zero, nothing. Think about peeps! There’s more to this story than meets the eye. MATTHEW

There are two sides to every story, right?

Then, of course, the mug shot found its way onto the Internet. I will juxtapose that image with Matt’s explanation for it, because “I was drunk and drove into a tree” is way less rational and reasonable than “I am being reborn as a miracle-working angel”. Uh…

When the side windows glass smashed into my face, arms, & neck, some of the blood that did felt almost angelic. I went from being afraid to die to feeling like I was almost being reborn with some sort of an ABSOLUTE PURE LIFE-FORCE. It was the most amazing thing I’ve every experience, I felt like I’d just received the blood of an angel flowing inside me-I know this sounds crazy! Due to these, I only have urges to help people. And miraculously, all my vices are gone.

Amen Friends,

MATTHEW

So who do we believe? The police officers influenced by a moderate amount of celebrity, or the aging, abusive pro wrestler on so many drugs that he believes a car accident granted him supernatural powers? Some wrestling tragedies come out of nowhere — the death of Macho Man Randy Savage, for example — and some happen in slow little steps. Like most wrestling fans, I wish the Hardys the best and hope they can get their sh*t together but am pretty tired of having to watch them fail.

[originally via TMZ]

Cuttino Mobley announced his retirement in December of 2008, citing hypertrophic cardiomyopathy — a disease that causes the heart muscle to thicken, making it more difficult to pump blood — as the reason for ending his 11 year NBA career. But a debilitating heart disease won’t keep Cuttino from living out his lifelong dreams. He is dating (and presumably having sex with), former Sex in the City star Kim Cattrall *shudder*, and is hard at work trying to open the medicinal marijuana dispensary he’s always wanted.

“I want to help people,” [Mobley] said.

It’s also the way he was raised, his version of spirituality, the sense that you help others when you can. So he helps fund an AAU team in Philadelphia. He built a basketball court in Africa. He helps out his old high school. He has a foundation in Philadelphia that helps single mothers and homeless kids.

One of the things he wants to do now is start a wellness center in Warwick, one that will be allowed to dispense medical marijuana. He says he got interested in the field of wellness both through his own medical condition and those of other people close to him, and adds that the health field is one of the fastest growing in the country.–Providence Journal

That second paragraph was so sweet, it gave me diabetes. If it did, I guess I would be eligible for medicinal marijuana in Rhode Island. I wonder who those “people close to him” are. It’s not like NBA players smoke weed. Except Zach Randolph, Josh Howard, Joakim Noah, the 2005 version of Stephon Marbury, Mario Chalmers, Allen Iverson, Damon Stoudamire, Rasheed Wallace, Chris Webber, Birdman Andersen, and Michael Beasley, of course.

Last week, Charlie Sheen took time away from his uphill fight to finally attain sobriety nonstop, drug-fueled hooker orgies to offer some words of wisdom to the members of the UCLA baseball team. Sheen had little to say to the team, but I doubt their malleable minds will ever forget the advice they received that day:

“Don’t do crack, drink chocolate milk, and enjoy every moment..thats all I got.” -Charlie Sheen. That’s what he told our baseball team today @RichardBrehaut via Off The Bench

I’m the kind of guy who looks for any and every opportunity to crack a good Charlie Sheen joke, but to be honest, you can’t really find fault with that advice. Crack kills, chocolate milk is delicious, and enjoy every moment. All three are sentiments I can get behind. Before his McGruff the Crime Dog impression, Sheen took batting practice with the team.

After batting practice, Savage asked Charlie to talk to his team about drug use. Charlie obliged and got a standing ovation from the team.

As for his batting skills, Brandon says Charlie — who showed up with his own bat — almost hit a homer. –Off The Bench

I think we can all agree that Charlie Sheen is the right man for the Presidency in 2012. I think he could get a lot of support with a “Hookers and Blow for a Brighter Tomorrow” platform. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s official: Mexico is officially too violent for women’s golf. The LPGA Tour recently postponed the Tres Marias Championship, based in Morelia, Mexico, due to what is being called drug violence in the area. I never would have expected this to happen to a sport that wasn’t subsidized by the NBA.

While the tournament contract goes through ’12, an LPGA official said they would need to see significant improvement before returning.

The event was slated for April 21-24. There’s now a three-week gap in April between the Kraft Nabisco and the Avnet LPGA Classic in Mobile, Ala.

–GolfWeek, via Twackle.

That’s sound policy for a nation that has murdered three of its mayors in the last month.

The LPGA has struggled over the last few years to maintain eyeballs and sponsorships, and that league has been hurt by the retirements of stars Annika Sorrenstam and Lorena Ochoa. Their No. 1-ranked player is Korean, and the ladies even have one tour stop without prize money. So basically nobody’s getting paid and nobody is recognizable? Sounds like a perfect fit with Mexico to me.