Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Links

Five ’90s Comic Book Movies That Could Use a Reboot - None of them! No more comic book movies. It’s time to go back to actual books and makes the comics guys work for their money for a few years. I would like to see a new The Rocketeer, though. [Gamma Squad]

Incontrovertible Proof that Tom Cruise is Not Gay - Now contrast this with NASCAR guys, who’ll tell you that Jeff Gordon is gay because he’s mildly handsome. [Warming Glow]

Rihanna’s Smoking Something In Hawaii - I can’t wait until 30 years from now when she’s doing guest spots on Enzyte commercials. “Come on, rude boy! Get it up!” [Smoking Section]

Hanksy Brings Together Tom Hanks And Banksy. Finally. - Somebody do an Andy Warhol/Andy Griffith mash-up so I can laugh and clap my hands and pretend like the Internet was around in the 1960s. [UPROXX]

Andy Warhol At Gristede’s Supermarket, 1962 - Eh, close enough. [High Definite]

George Lucas Talks Retirement, Racism, And Nuking The Fridge - George Lucas should do a Barbara Walters special and admit that he’s just not very good at this, got pretty lucky 35 years ago and is happy to know Spielberg and Coppola. Also that his head looks like a throw pillow. [Gamma Squad]

Michelle Trachtenberg May Have A Sex Tape - Or a “walking around naked tape”, or something. Regardless, the Euro Trip fan in me as going !!!!!!! Uh, sorry, I meant “the Buffy fan”. [FARK]

25 People Who Thought SOPA Was About Soap - 25 people who thought NAFTA was about space travel! Make it happen, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]

7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now - Good job, Burnsy. The most fitting end to my run at With Leather would be for HuffPo to buy UPROXX and fire me. They’re like the Clear Channel of the Internet. [HuffPost Comedy]

‘The Day the LOL Cats Died’ Is the Official Song of the SOPA Protests - I also would’ve accepted the Boxxy I AM NOT TROLLIN’ remix or something involving a Weird Al version of the Bed Intruder. [The FW]

The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career - What’s weird is that I’d honestly be more interested in reading the “1 Good Movie Of Kate Beckinsale’s Career” list. Is it Laurel Canyon? No, it can’t be that. [Pajiba]

Couple Attempts to Explode a Car By Using Flaming Tampons - If this is viral marketing for Grand Theft Auto 5 I am so excited. [Brobible]

I was born in southern Virginia, so I can say that. Some of my best friends are drugged-out, gun-toting white people.

I’m guessing former NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield never thought he’d end up on half a page of TMZ, but here we are — 42-year-old who hasn’t raced in NASCAR since 2009 after failing a drug test (and failing nearly every drug-related thing after that) was arrested in North Carolina last night after cops say they found methamphetamine, stolen racing equipment and over 40 guns in his house. Yikes. If you need more clues to the kind of guy Mayfield is, he was last in the news back in April when five of his dogs attacked a mail carrier. Hooray for substantiated stereotyping!

As we previously reported, cops had searched the home on a warrant after receiving a tip about stolen property inside Mayfield’s pad. Captain [Joel] Fish says cops seized all sorts of items they believe to have been stolen — including Red Bull Racing gear, commercial sound equipment and industrial machinery. Cops also claim they found 1.5 grams of methamphetamine inside the house.

Mayfield was arrested for felony possession of meth. He was released after posting $3,000 bond.

To his credit, if I had access to a Red Bull promotional speedsuit I’d have stolen it, too. Honestly, my biggest concern is what Captain Fish (who sounds awesome) and TMZ consider “industrial machinery”. Like, did Mayfield somehow sneak a smelter in his home? Maye that’s how they qualify meth labs, and he had an assembly line or something. I don’t know, I don’t do meth.

That tweet, from Tony La Russa’s daughter Devon (and courtesy of Big League Stew), is in response to a quickly-deleted Sunday night tweet that read:

I saw a crack head doing “The Wash” today. Coincidence? I think not…

I’m hoping “coincidence, I think not” is the phrase she’s apologizing for, or else she just called recovering cocaine addict and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington a crackhead. But don’t worry, it’s just a phrase she uses! A phrase to describe people who do crack. Hopefully not to describe black people who do crack specifically.

As the guy who writes The Dugout, a comic where Ron Washington’s only appearances are drug-joke related and we once had Dmitri Young use someone’s skull as a bong, I can only cast so many stones. I will, however, point out that my RON WASHINGTON IS A CRACKHEAD commentary is presented in a fake AIM chatroom with pun screen names and tacos that can speak on a sports comedy blog, and Devon’s is not. I’ll also point out that if you’re just messing around, quickly deleting the comment so nobody can see you’ve made it is a good indicator that you quickly realized you were being dumb, and “it was dumb, sorry” would go a lot farther than “crack head is a phrase I’ve coined”.

I urge everyone who discusses this matter to avoid the phrase “freedom of speech” at all costs.

Does this look like somebody who’d have a severe drug problem?

38-year old pro wrestler Travis Tomko (aka “Tyson Tomko” or just “Tomko”) has topped Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer getting arrested for marijuana possession at a Cheesecake Factory as the month’s most random and least baller sports-world arrest by robbing a CVS Pharmacy of its Oxycodone, then going to a local Chili’s restaurant to ask for a soup spoon, ground up all 178 pills and inject them into his body. It also tops “Booker T once robbed a Wendy’s” as the best WWE fast food tragedy.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, Tomko went to a nearby Chili’s … where he asked his waitress for a spoon. When the server brought him a teaspoon, he asked for a “deeper spoon” … and when he got it, he took it to the men’s room … where he remained for 30 to 40 minutes.

Cops were eventually tipped off … and when they arrived on the scene, one officer says Tomko had “needle marks and blood running down his arm” … and had just flushed something down the toilet.

Tomko was taken into custody — and allegedly told police he has a “severe drug problem.”

To his credit, I spent 40 minutes in the bathroom the last time I was at Chili’s, too. He was taken to a hospital, then immediately taken to jail.

Tomko spent five years in TNA Wrestling and held one-half of their tag team championships, making him at least as good of a wrestler as Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones. He’s spent a lot of time in Japan, as well, but is best known for his seven-or-so years in World Wrestling Entertainment and that one time Christian asked him to “drop a beat” so he could battle rap John Cena and was refused. According to this report, that might’ve been the only time he’s ever said “no”.

Before becoming a wrestler, Tomko was a bodyguard for Limp Bizkit, and you can see him milling about in the “My Generation” video, so at least it’s comforting to know that getting sent to jail for shooting up 200 off-brand drug store painkillers in the worst of the family restaurants isn’t the saddest thing that’s ever happened to him.

Sh*t, you’re right.

Links

NFL Sunday School: The Colts Deliver Top-Notch Ruin Porn - Jon Bois asks, “What is the most Goldeneye weapon of all time?” by comparing them to NFL players. At least I think that’s what’s going on. My best memories of Jon and Goldeneye are of us hooking it up, him viciously killing me for about half an hour, then me never wanting to play again. [SBN]

Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts Sucktardery - Sometimes I wish I wrote for KSK so I could get away with words like “sucktardery”. I want to describe Andy Dalton has “transgenderiffic”. And my KSK name would be “Space Ghost, But A Horse”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Geeky Lunch Bag Art from an Awesome Dad - If Awesome Dad was truly Awesome Dad, he wouldn’t have let his son be named “Dylan”. These are pretty good, though. The most interest my parents ever gave school lunch was giving me a dollar 25. [Gamma Squad]

Bruce Hornsby On Tupac: “The Original ‘Changes’ Was A Lot Dirtier” - I hope it included a line about how Tupac f**ked Bruce Hornsby’s wife. [Smoking Section]

Darth Vader’s “Noooo!” Edited into Other Classic Movies - This shouldn’t be funny, but it really is. The Raiders part had me cracking up. [UPROXX]

Megan Fox on Shia LaBeouf, Her Public Image and Starting Over With ‘Friends With Kids’ - Hopefully “starting over” means taking off her Sugar & Spice bank robbery mask and going back to being that super, super hot girl from “Two & A Half Men”. [Moviefone]

Amy Winehouse’s Dad: Going Sober Killed Her - Everyone Else to Amy Winehouse’s Dad: No, It Probably Had More To Do With Her Taking A Sh*tload Of Drugs And Being A Strung-Out Junkie For 20 Years, Guy. [UPROXX]

Miss Japan Is Awesome - She absolutely is. Her English isn’t great, but she’s still more coherent and likable than Miss South Carolina. Japan, we must protect against AIDS, such as. [Warming Glow]

Celebrity Encounter: Schwarzenegger Snubs Shatner over Burritos - Celebrity Encounter, or “let’s see who was in touch with reality most recently”. The answer is Shatner, between the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” and the first movie. [Film Drunk]

11 Hats Modeled by This Cat - Yes, this is an Internet thing. [Buzzfeed]

Ricky Gervais, Jon Stewart, and Louis CK will host a mock Golden Globes telecast - They should give every award to Tyler Perry. OH MY LERDDDDD [FARK]

Santa and Jesus Remembered 9/11 - Sorry for the old South Park meme. [The Daily What]

Former WWE and TNA wrestling star Matt Hardy was arrested on Saturday in North Carolina for suspicion of driving while intoxicated after he drove his 2009 Corvette off the road and into a tree. Hardy wasn’t injured, but was released from TNA within the day with a quick statement that didn’t even wish him well in his future endeavors and included the phrase “already under suspension from the company.” That suspension was reportedly for excessive lateness, but probably had more to do with a YouTube video wherein Matt and his brother Jeff (currently awaiting trial for a 2009 arrest on drug charges) hold down Matt’s girlfriend and taze her.

Honestly it’s a confusing jumble of pro wrestling mess, but Matt, who is not afraid to be the most obnoxious person on the entire Internet, was quick to call conspiracy and deny all charges.

I took a? breathalyzer immediately on the spot and it read clean, zero, nothing. Think about peeps! There’s more to this story than meets the eye. MATTHEW

There are two sides to every story, right?

Then, of course, the mug shot found its way onto the Internet. I will juxtapose that image with Matt’s explanation for it, because “I was drunk and drove into a tree” is way less rational and reasonable than “I am being reborn as a miracle-working angel”. Uh…

When the side windows glass smashed into my face, arms, & neck, some of the blood that did felt almost angelic. I went from being afraid to die to feeling like I was almost being reborn with some sort of an ABSOLUTE PURE LIFE-FORCE. It was the most amazing thing I’ve every experience, I felt like I’d just received the blood of an angel flowing inside me-I know this sounds crazy! Due to these, I only have urges to help people. And miraculously, all my vices are gone.

Amen Friends,

MATTHEW

So who do we believe? The police officers influenced by a moderate amount of celebrity, or the aging, abusive pro wrestler on so many drugs that he believes a car accident granted him supernatural powers? Some wrestling tragedies come out of nowhere — the death of Macho Man Randy Savage, for example — and some happen in slow little steps. Like most wrestling fans, I wish the Hardys the best and hope they can get their sh*t together but am pretty tired of having to watch them fail.

[originally via TMZ]