While I’ve yet to try Ron Swanson’s guaranteed hangover cure, I have tried hundreds, if not thousands, of others and not a single one works. Hell, there was even a time when I would have paid a million doll hairs for a case of XXX Vitamin Water because I was convinced that it was the ultimate hangover cure, but it turns out that 50 Cent and the makers of that sugar water bullsh*t were simply full of crap. If I can’t trust a mediocre rapper for my vitamins, who can I trust?
But it appears that some UCLA professor/doctor/scientist types have their eyes on the lucrative, untapped market of leaving frat boys’ bathroom sinks unclogged, as UCLA’s Yunfeng Lu and Cheng Ji are hard at work on an actual, honest-to-Pappy Van Winkle cure for the common hangover. Sorry cancer, maybe next year.
As [Peter] Mulloy lit up his “one-hit” pipe, however, an off-duty police officer sitting in the stands smelled the strong scent of marijuana and went to investigate.
Beneath the spectators, the officer found Mulloy smoking weed and confronted him before calling police in Antioch, the Chicago Tribune reported. (via NY Daily News)
The 50-year old Mulloy (who clearly understood the best way to enjoy sectionals … ask anybody who’s seen an episode of ‘Glee’) was arrested and charged with “possession of cannabis and possession of drug equipment” and released on a massive $120 bail.
He goes back to court in March. Pete, if you’re googling your name with your head in your hands and come across this, I’d like to suggest the following excuse: “Your Honor, I was depressed about the International Olympic Committee removing amateur wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games, and the beauty of this local Illinois wrestling tournament combined with the hopelessness of these kids’ sports futures gave me great anxiety. Also, I was using the one-hit pipe for tobacco, like Miley Cyrus and literally everyone else ever who has been caught with a pipe or bong.”
If that doesn’t work, enjoy your lifetime in prison, because we are super weird about drugs.
In the biggest cycling news since somebody found out you could put baseball cards in the spokes to make it sound cool, 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong is “subject to lifetime ban and fan fallout” for saying he was giving up his fight against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s doping charges.
“There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, enough is enough,” Armstrong’s statement read. “For me, that time is now.”
Also on Thursday night, the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency said it will strip Armstrong of his seven Tour de France titles and Travis Tygart, USADA’s chief executive, said Armstrong would be subject to a lifetime ban from the sport.
Friday on “CBS This Morning,” CBS News chief investigative correspondent Armen Keteyian said the original charges brought against Armstrong in June were based on “non-analytical evidence” that he used performance enhancing drugs. This evidence reportedly included testimony from several former teammates, including Tyler Hamilton who told “60 Minutes” that he frequently saw Armstrong inject “EPO,” a banned naturally occurring hormone known as a blood booster. (via CBS News)
The statement brings up a lot of unanswered questions. Does Armstrong’s figurative tap-out mean he’s guilty and can’t deal with lying anymore? If a high-profile athlete like Armstrong is stripped of his titles for doping, does that set a precedent that leads to high-profile athletes in other sports losing their championships and accolades for failing drug tests? What if they’re just one person on a team? Will Armstrong be okay living the rest of his life with a Bad News Bears-esque “we know who REALLY won those races” talking point?
The most important question is this: Do you seriously care about Lance Armstrong?
Five ’90s Comic Book Movies That Could Use a Reboot - None of them! No more comic book movies. It’s time to go back to actual books and makes the comics guys work for their money for a few years. I would like to see a new The Rocketeer, though. [Gamma Squad]
Incontrovertible Proof that Tom Cruise is Not Gay - Now contrast this with NASCAR guys, who’ll tell you that Jeff Gordon is gay because he’s mildly handsome. [Warming Glow]
Rihanna’s Smoking Something In Hawaii - I can’t wait until 30 years from now when she’s doing guest spots on Enzyte commercials. “Come on, rude boy! Get it up!” [Smoking Section]
Hanksy Brings Together Tom Hanks And Banksy. Finally. - Somebody do an Andy Warhol/Andy Griffith mash-up so I can laugh and clap my hands and pretend like the Internet was around in the 1960s. [UPROXX]
Andy Warhol At Gristede’s Supermarket, 1962 - Eh, close enough. [High Definite]
George Lucas Talks Retirement, Racism, And Nuking The Fridge - George Lucas should do a Barbara Walters special and admit that he’s just not very good at this, got pretty lucky 35 years ago and is happy to know Spielberg and Coppola. Also that his head looks like a throw pillow. [Gamma Squad]
Michelle Trachtenberg May Have A Sex Tape - Or a “walking around naked tape”, or something. Regardless, the Euro Trip fan in me as going !!!!!!! Uh, sorry, I meant “the Buffy fan”. [FARK]
25 People Who Thought SOPA Was About Soap - 25 people who thought NAFTA was about space travel! Make it happen, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]
7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now - Good job, Burnsy. The most fitting end to my run at With Leather would be for HuffPo to buy UPROXX and fire me. They’re like the Clear Channel of the Internet. [HuffPost Comedy]
‘The Day the LOL Cats Died’ Is the Official Song of the SOPA Protests - I also would’ve accepted the Boxxy I AM NOT TROLLIN’ remix or something involving a Weird Al version of the Bed Intruder. [The FW]
The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career - What’s weird is that I’d honestly be more interested in reading the “1 Good Movie Of Kate Beckinsale’s Career” list. Is it Laurel Canyon? No, it can’t be that. [Pajiba]
Couple Attempts to Explode a Car By Using Flaming Tampons - If this is viral marketing for Grand Theft Auto 5 I am so excited. [Brobible]
I was born in southern Virginia, so I can say that. Some of my best friends are drugged-out, gun-toting white people.
I’m guessing former NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield never thought he’d end up on half a page of TMZ, but here we are — 42-year-old who hasn’t raced in NASCAR since 2009 after failing a drug test (and failing nearly every drug-related thing after that) was arrested in North Carolina last night after cops say they found methamphetamine, stolen racing equipment and over 40 guns in his house. Yikes. If you need more clues to the kind of guy Mayfield is, he was last in the news back in April when five of his dogs attacked a mail carrier. Hooray for substantiated stereotyping!
As we previously reported, cops had searched the home on a warrant after receiving a tip about stolen property inside Mayfield’s pad. Captain [Joel] Fish says cops seized all sorts of items they believe to have been stolen — including Red Bull Racing gear, commercial sound equipment and industrial machinery. Cops also claim they found 1.5 grams of methamphetamine inside the house.
Mayfield was arrested for felony possession of meth. He was released after posting $3,000 bond.
To his credit, if I had access to a Red Bull promotional speedsuit I’d have stolen it, too. Honestly, my biggest concern is what Captain Fish (who sounds awesome) and TMZ consider “industrial machinery”. Like, did Mayfield somehow sneak a smelter in his home? Maye that’s how they qualify meth labs, and he had an assembly line or something. I don’t know, I don’t do meth.
That tweet, from Tony La Russa’s daughter Devon (and courtesy of Big League Stew), is in response to a quickly-deleted Sunday night tweet that read:
I saw a crack head doing “The Wash” today. Coincidence? I think not…
I’m hoping “coincidence, I think not” is the phrase she’s apologizing for, or else she just called recovering cocaine addict and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington a crackhead. But don’t worry, it’s just a phrase she uses! A phrase to describe people who do crack. Hopefully not to describe black people who do crack specifically.
As the guy who writes The Dugout, a comic where Ron Washington’s only appearances are drug-joke related and we once had Dmitri Young use someone’s skull as a bong, I can only cast so many stones. I will, however, point out that my RON WASHINGTON IS A CRACKHEAD commentary is presented in a fake AIM chatroom with pun screen names and tacos that can speak on a sports comedy blog, and Devon’s is not. I’ll also point out that if you’re just messing around, quickly deleting the comment so nobody can see you’ve made it is a good indicator that you quickly realized you were being dumb, and “it was dumb, sorry” would go a lot farther than “crack head is a phrase I’ve coined”.
I urge everyone who discusses this matter to avoid the phrase “freedom of speech” at all costs.