Exclusive ESPN coverage of Conan & Andy’s brutal beatdown of budding Olympians.
That’s the description for the following clip from ‘Conan’, featuring Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter putting all the “which Dream Team could beat which other Dream Team” debates to bed by challenging the Dream Team 2032, aka a bunch of little kids. Highlights include nap time, a game of keep-away and the natural hilarity of watching tiny, tiny babies try to shoot a basketball on a regulation hoop. Also, Conan O’Brien being surprisingly pretty good at basketball.
Full video is below, with a h/t to NESW Sports. The Orlando Magic should go ahead and look into signing some of these guys.
The U.S. Men’s Basketball Team handily defeated France yesterday or the day before or whenever the hell NBC taped it, as Kevin Durant and LeBron James made it look way too easy in a 98-71 victory. France’s bottle-popping point guard Tony Parker led us to believe that his team of baguette-bangers would give the Americans a headache, but with James playing in another universe right now, that doesn’t seem quite possible.
Unfortunately, instead of focusing on simply how well this team is playing – despite a few flaws that shouldn’t really factor into a gold medal victory – we’re still doing it. We’re still having this stupid ass conversation. Could James and the 2012 USA team defeat the 1992 Dream Team that featured the NBA’s greatest legends? The answer is no. Not because the Dream Team was better, but because we cannot manipulate time to get these two teams on the same court at the same time.
Earlier this week, I scoured the Internet to put together my official 2012 Summer Olympics Team USA viewing gear so I could properly cheer on my nation’s best athletes from the comfort of my favorite bars. While I won’t yet reveal what I will be wearing almost every day for the next month – good hygiene be damned – I did think that it was important to help other people scrounge the webs for some last second items to help them also appreciate the best part of the Olympics – dressing like an asshole. This will especially be important for our bevy of Olympics live discussions.
Of course there’s no better place than my favorite time-wasting website, Etsy, to find such championship-caliber gear on short notice. Some people might argue eBay, and with overpriced, poorly produced crap, and lazy shipping policies, I’d agree that eBay is probably more indicative of America. But screw eBay, because Etsy rules. And to prove that point, I’ve dug up 10 awesome American clothing items that you can purchase to wear while the U.S. of A brings home every single medal* on Earth.
Last night, the NBA network aired the highly anticipated Dream Team documentary to celebrate the 20th anniversary of arguably the most talented and dominating team in the history of any sport. As a child of the 80s, I’m fortunate enough to remember watching the Dream Team play and God only knows I wish I still had my Michael Jordan USA jersey, because I’d sell it to a hipster for $500.
But like anything good that is celebrated as legend by the majority, people out there now want to crap all over the Dream Team’s legacy, because Isiah Thomas was snubbed and Michael Jordan is a big ol’ dickhead for keeping him off the team (which is mentioned in the special). Either way, Zeke preemptively took his name out of the debate last night when he issued this statement.
Obviously, Thomas is “taking the high road” because he wants to get back into the NBA, either as a GM, team president, or maybe even a coach again. And he can’t do that if he’s bad-mouthing all of his fellow Hall-of-Famer legends. However, that does not mean this is an invitation for every John Q. Blogger to take up the fight in Thomas’ name.
If he’s really still bitter about it, then he should come out and say, “F*ck those guys, I deserved to be running point for the gold medal team.” Hell, I’d respect him more if he did. But until he does open up about it, let’s stop ruining our childhood memories of what may have been the peak of America’s global dominance at everything.
The best game ever. I hope you’re just a high-def remake of San Andreas, GTA 5.
Links
Grand Theft Auto 5 Trailer Announced - AY CESAR, THE YAY LEAVIN’ SAN FIERRO, RIGHT. Right, but they’re using bikes, CJ, and they go cross country! [Gamma Squad]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 10/24 Live From Austin, Texas - I know I know, it’s the post below this one, but our new commenting system has severely limited the number of times an anonymous person can comment with “john cena gay”, so we need you to head down there and read it and talk to us about it. Us meaning me. [With Leather]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Vengeance 2011 - But wait! Before you do that, read Monday’s report about Sunday night’s show. The ring collapsed and Jerry Lawler said he’d never seen anything like it, except when it happened previously. [With Leather]
Bring ACH To Beyond Wrestling - If you live on the East Coast, love pro wrestling (or want it to be better than it is) and have a few extra bucks, donate to the cause of bringing one of the best young wrestlers in the world to where you can see him perform. ACH is the f**king bomb, and should be a TV millionaire already. [Indie Gogo]
This Week in Posters: Twilight, Muppets, and Diagonals Oh My! -Puss In Boots would be so much more appealing if it was called LE CHAT POTTE over here. That’s also what I call my drug-humor AOL parody. [Film Drunk]
The 1992 Dream Team In Action (Figures) - Pretty sure the most heterosexual thing about me is how much I love the 1992 Dream Team. [Smoking Section]
First Look At Scarlett Johansson As An Alien - I was really excited when I clicked this, but it turns out the “alien” is just “Scarlett Johansson not looking as good as she usually does because of bad clothes and a worse wig”. Good job with your alien movie, guys. [Gamma Squad]
More Halloween Episodes, Please - The genre peaked with ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Martin’, but I’m willing to accept new works in the medium. [Warming Glow]
Fully Functional Nikon Camera Halloween Costume - Pretty cool, and guaranteed to be talked about almost as much as the one hot girl who just wore underwear outdoors and didn’t even buy cat ears. [Buzzfeed
The 18 Worst Wide-Release Opening Weekends of 2011 - Most of these aren't a surprise, and if you supported Judy Moody or her Not Bummer Summer you're a bad person. The climax of that movie is someone eating a poop sandwich. [Moviefone]
Which of These Five Hollywood Subjects Sold Out the Hardest? - I always thought that if someone can refer to you as a “Hollywood subject”, you’re already sold out. [Pajiba]
87 Year-Old Man Arrested with 228 Pounds of Cocaine - Now let’s flash back to when he was a young man and find out how he got here! [The Daily What]
Censored Zelda Will Make You Laugh Against Your Will - The title is right. I hate fake censoring jokes, but even I laughed when Zelda called that guy a f**k. [Unreality]
The Gentlemen’s Rant: Hipsters - Someone put this site out of its misery. If you like Tim Allen on TV in 2011 style “everyone who isn’t fat and boring and middle-American like me is wrong” humor, you’ll love this. Attention “average guys tellin’ it like it is” — you are the least funny people in the world. [NextRound]
Yesterday, we shared with you the news that beloved (cough) Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has parted ways with the organization because he couldn’t fly to Spain on their dime and wanted a bigger boat. In the Bard’s own words, by way of the Chicago Sun-Times:
“If I leave here, I will say, ‘I leave here because I want to make my [bleeping] money,’ ” he said. “You know why? Because no [bleeping] fans, no [bleeping] Jerry or [bleeping] anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.’’
The Dugout has been on a brief hiatus while I was away on vacation and/or readjusting to the rigors of going to work every day in my underwear, so please enjoy this super-sized edition featuring the entire Ozzie Guillen saga, from his announcement of free agency to his Floridian journey and all the way back to Chicago, where the managers flow like wine. If you get concerned about the accents as you read, please remember how Ozzie Guillen actually sounds, and consider that I did him a favor.
The strip will be back in our regular rotation again from here on out (because baseball season being over is the best time for Dugouts, because I’m not watching baseball and things are actually happening) so be sure to like us on Facebook to keep up with the stories and drop us a comment either here or there. We’d also appreciate feedback in the form of 62-foot boats.
