Canada (or #canada, if you’re on the Internet) has had it rough lately. The NHL lockout is nowhere in sight. The NHLPA is considering decertification. Canada needs hockey. They can’t play anything else. Look at Toronto’s mayor, he can’t take a snap without tripping and falling flat on his face. Now he’s getting kicked out of office. See how that works?

Canada’s next best option is to put all of their apples into the Toronto Raptors’ basket. They can find succor in the loving tweets of Raptors star player Amir Johnson, who did his best to appease the country’s sports-starved masses by doing the most Canadian thing ever:

The only way that could’ve been more Canadian is if he’d played late night hoops with Bonhomme. And by the way, THIS is how sad the hockey situation is. We’re doing posts about Amir Johnson Instagram updates instead of Paulina Gretzky. She’s off somewhere aimlessly taking pictures of dogs.

Anyway, because no Justin Bieber-related post can be complete without somebody who likes Justin Bieber getting SUPER PISSED about anyone else liking Justin Bieber, here’s the harmless celebrity photo’s immediate Instagram response:

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Screw the ring, check out that oven. Baller.

As we hadn’t heard his name much since being one half of an incredibly douchetastic night club fight that nearly ended Tony Parker’s basketball career, I assumed that rapper/bad shaver Drake was laying low after the negative attention. But according to MTV’s RapFix, Drake’s been busier than ever, collaborating with a bunch of rappers that I’ve never heard of. On top of that, he’s also been hanging out with comedian Kevin Hart, as the two pitted their posses against each other in a giant paintball match this weekend.

However, the bigger Drake news is that he’s back on Instagram, according to people who type poorly in all caps, and on Saturday he posted the above image of his very own University of Kentucky championship ring. Drake, of course, graduated from played for attended dropped out of high school once performed at UK, so he’s practically the greatest Wildcat player of all-time.

Let’s forget all that, though, and focus on my new favorite thing – terribly racist and ignorant Instagram comments.

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In the wake of what has turned into one of the sissiest bar fights to ever involve two hip hop stars, multiple people are now looking for pay days. For starters, a few girls have come forward to claim that they were injured during the bottle fight at a night club in New York City that was started by members of Drake’s and Chris Brown’s respective entourages. And the bigger news was that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was also partying in VIP – supposedly with Brown – and he was hit in the face with a bottle. Parker suffered some eye damage, but isn’t expected to miss the Summer Olympics. Nevertheless, he’s also suing for $20 million.

And now, a celebrity boxing promoter that you’ve never heard of has stepped forward to cash in on this beef jerky. Damon Feldman is offering $1 million to a charity that supports abused women if Drake and Brown agree to fight, with Rihanna as a ring girl.

The fight, he said, would feature three minute-long rounds with the participants donning oversized gloves and protective head gear.

Feldman is no stranger to publicity. He has put on fights featuring ex-baseball outfielder Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael and Rodney King.

Feldman says he has not received a response from either Drake or Brown. (Via CNN)

Is this all it takes to get your name in the media these days? Fine. I’ll pay $1 million to a charity that supports blind orphans if Kate Upton and Mila Kunis accept my challenge to become my Mormon wives. Someone let me know when CNN has my article up.

Details are still trickling in regarding last week’s random night club brawl between the posses of Chris Brown and Drake, but what we do know so far is that Brown and his people have already been to the police and told a tale that makes everything sound like it’s all Drake’s fault. What we also know is that everyone involved in this stupid story is a total uber-douche, from Brown to Drake to dudes who rips their shirts off in clubs to Rihanna’s magical unicorn vagina.

But now we also know that France’s Olympic basketball hopes were very close to going down the crapper, because Tony Parker was also up in the club, getting popped in the eye by the flying projectiles.

“I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about… I got it all,” Parker told a news conference.

“The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days… But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added. (Via Reuters)

It will take a nuclear Armageddon to stop NBA stars from hanging out with rappers, especially when a guy like Parker is both of those things. But hanging out with Brown is really the lowest rung on the ladder for a basketball player. I could name 100 hip hop artists I’d rather hang out with than Brown, including Coolio, Biz Markie, Snow, and MC Serch.

And I don’t hate Brown just because he beat the crap out of Rihanna or because he encouraged people to perform physical violence on Cher or because his music is drenched in autotuned sewage. Wait, no, those are precisely the reasons I hate him.

They should just start throwing buckets of confetti at the Kings.

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Links

Three Reasons Rap Is Always Better When Kanye West Is Around |Smoking Section|

The Dugout Opening Days ’12: Pittsburgh Pirates |With Leather|

Boob and Voice Jokes A-Plenty In ‘SNL’ with Sofía Vergara |Warming Glow|

Colbert Captures ‘Bada$s’ Biker Popping Wheelies In Lincoln Tunnel On His iPhone |UPROXX|

30 Geeky Easter Eggs Too Good To Hide |Gamma Squad|

SUPERCUT: Famous Actors in Their First Roles |Film Drunk|

‘My Little Damon’ Is The Weirdest Celebrity Meets ‘My Little Pony’ Sub-Reddit You’ll See Today |UPROXX|

Snoop Dogg’s New Song Book Is Literally Smokable |UPROXX|

Drake Drops A Deuce: “Take Care” Video Feat. Rihanna x “HYFR” Video Feat. Lil Wayne |Smoking Section|

Frotcast 94: Justin Halpern, American Reunion, Manswers Roulette |Film Drunk|

They Call Him ‘The Wall’ |With Leather|

5 Series The Eisners Should Have Considered For “Best New Series” |Gamma Squad|

Is This the Dumbest Argument Against ‘Community’ You’ve Ever Read? |Warming Glow|

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Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.

Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.

Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.

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