Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

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It was awfully hard to believe that someone as talented as JaMarcus Russell – the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NFL Draft – could just apathetically throw it all away once the Oakland Raiders realized that he was a colossal bust and cut ties with him. After all, if a team could just work with him and schedule meetings and practices around last call and his 10 a.m. alarm, he might actually deliver on what we once saw at LSU.

And according to a news source that I’ve never heard of, that team has finally stepped forward. It appears that Russell’s comeback will begin with the Louisiana Swashbucklers of the Professional Indoor Football League. Who says dreams don’t come true? Well, PR people, for starters.

Swashbucklers media relations director Duane Bergeron on Thursday said the organization would not confirm or deny contact with Russell or his agent.

General manager and president Chris Meaux released the following statement through Bergeron: “We are not prepared, at this time, to comment on any player-contract negotiations.”

(Via The American Press)

God, I hope this is true. And I bet that Russell hopes it’s true, too. Think about it – indoors? That means AC, probably a couch and a flat screen, naps when the defense takes the field. And that field is half the size of a regular field so interceptions and 4-and-outs will come twice as quick. Can he play in a Snuggie? Because that would be great.

For once, dog not Photoshopped.

The Portland Trail Blazers have offered always-injured center and former No. 1 draft pick Greg Oden a qualifying deal of $8.8 million to make him a restricted free agent, despite the NBA lockout beginning tomorrow. In three seasons, Oden has played in a whopping 82 games, as the 7-footer has suffered a broken kneecap and undergone two microfracture surgeries on his knees. But by extending the offer, Portland is telling the rest of the league, “These are our wishes! Our knees! And we’re taking them back.”

“We’ve stood behind Greg Oden every day since he became a Trail Blazer and that continues with today’s announcement,” Trail Blazers President Larry Miller said in a statement. “Despite the setbacks he’s experienced, he continues to be resilient in working tirelessly on his rehabilitation. We’re all very encouraged with not only his progress, but with his commitment and determination to return to the basketball court.” (Los Angeles Times)

Translated: Look, between Sam Bowie and now Oden, Portland is desperate to escape the spotlight of worst high draft picks of all-time. Maybe Miller thinks that Oden can still be a solid NBA center and that’s why he’s investing at least $9 million* in him. But even if he’s wrong, I’d like to look at the positive – thank God Portland made the offer. Can you imagine a healthy Oden (especially sitting out another season with a lockout in a worst case scenario) signing with the Miami Heat? Or with the Boston Celtics? Or the New York Knicks?

Either way, it’s nice to see a guy who is never healthy get a good contract offer. It’s not indicative at all of what is happening in less than 24 hours.

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