Yeah, I get shot with arrows like 70 times a day, I don’t know what happened with you.

Links

Power Up: The Top 14 Video Games Of 2011 - It goes “Skyrim”, then everything else. And this is coming from a guy who spent a day and a half diving off a crane with Batman trying to get a dumb power-up. [Smoking Section]

7 Things About “The League” Cast that You Probably Didn’t Know - I wish the guy who does the voice for Space Ghost was actually on ‘The League’. [Warming Glow]

Daniel Day-Lewis In Full Costume On The Set Of Lincoln - I’ve never wanted to chant “holy shit” at a picture before, but here we are. Lining up to see this already. [Film Drunk]

Donald Glover Tells Marc Maron That He Masturbates To Susan Sarandon - And I masturbate to Susan Sarandon’s daughter. We’re destined to be best friends. [UPROXX]

Patton Oswalt Made A Parody PSA Of The Alamo Drafthouse No Texting PSA - Alamo Drafthouse rules because it’s the only place in the world besides my living room where I can watch a movie in silence and eat a tofu sandwich simultaneously. [UPROXX]

Rick Perry Dr. Seuss Books - There are two books. No, three. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim Interview: Norm Macdonald Digs Shakespeare - I need to Google Alert Norm or something because I missed FOUR NORM MACDONALD SHOWS in Austin. He needs commercials and blimp messages and couriers stopping by my house with printed-out reminders. [Adult Swim]

‘We Bought a Zooey’ Is the Quirky Feel-Good Movie of the Holiday Season - doooooooooooooWOP! [The FW]

Best Performances of 2011: From Uggie to Rooney Mara, the Top 11 in ’11 - Reed Diamond as Mark Shapiro in Moneyball in a walk. I thought it was actually Mark Shapiro for like two weeks. [Moviefone]

Rating the 10 Most Traumatic Character Deaths of the Year in Television - Lists like these are the best reason to not give Joss Whedon television shows. [Pajiba]

Today’s CBS Sports interview with Cam Newton features this line, a paragraph unto itself only two paragraphs down, and tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Maybe that’s who Newton is: A kid in a man’s body.

“Maybe Cam Newton is like a smart-ish dog, but he looks like people.” Cam Newton is a robot, but not a very good one. You get the idea.

You think this thing about Newton (complete with a “Newton’s Theory” headline) is going to be ridiculous enough by itself, but oh, oh no, Cam Newton is always the most ridiculous part of a Cam Newton story. During the lockout, the Carolina Panthers organization sent Cam an Idiot’s Guide to Offense version of their playbook to help him ease into his career as an hilariously over-his-head NFL quarterback. When he got to camp he got a copy of the real playbook — the real playbook featuring a new offense, and he’s got about 40 seconds to learn it. Anyone would have trouble adjusting to that, but Cam was able to express his troubles with a wonderful comparison:

Newton’s head is spinning. Due to the lockout, the Panthers are forced to install a new offense at an accelerated pace. Newton had a playbook during the lockout to study, but he said it was a far cry from what he has now.

“That’s Dr. Seuss compared to doggone Shakespeare,” he said.

I also would’ve accepted “the playbook they sent me was Marmaduke, and this is dad-gum Doonsbury!” It makes you wonder what the book they sent him looked like. I wonder if it was just “throw football” written on a Post-It.