From CNN, to catch you up.

At least 76 people died in Norway in a terror attack July 22 that started with a bomb blast in the capital Oslo and continued with an hour-long gun rampage at a camp for Labour Party teens and young adults on nearby Utoya Island.

Of course, that didn’t stop New Zealander Cameron Leslie from gunning his lats. Cameron was at an gymnasium and was an eye witness to the initial attack, a car bomb that exploded between government buildings in Regjeringskvartalet, the executive government quarter of Oslo. He was interviewed about his experience on a New Zealand television station, and if you think he’s got a compelling story or a poignant point of view about the shattered lives and blood-soaked faces that immediately surrounded him … you might be putting too much faith in humanity.

The choice excerpts were transcribed by our friends at Off The Bench, and I ask you enjoy them, but Jesus Christ.

“Secondly, also for the fact that when the blast went off I was on the eighth repetition of a 165-KG bench press, uh, you know, that’s quite a lot of weight.

“You know we had ceiling and stuff come down around us, we had a lot of confused looking faces, and shortly after we heard an announcement over the speaker phone to evacuate the area as quickly as possible, people started leaving, uh, naturally I finished my sets and then quickly made my way to the second level.”

Naturally. He then added “I asked the guy to my right to spot me, but he couldn’t, because he no longer had arms”. Imagine how mad you’d be if a week after 9/11, some guy showed up on Wake Up Wisconsin talking about how he was doing chin-ups on the roof of the World Trade Center when the plane hit, and he thought “heh, whoa, that’s weird” and finished up, did a little yoga and calmly waltzed down the stairs. If only his collar had been popped, we might’ve been witness to the douchiest f**king guy in cultural history.

Yesterday, Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe was seemingly the first NFL player to respond to allegations that Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Vincent Jackson and Logan Mankins were seeking special treatment (a la Reggie White in 1993) through their antitrust lawsuit with 6 other players. Manning and Brees reportedly wanted to be exempt from the franchise tag for the rest of their careers while Jackson and Mankins wanted to either be outright free agents or receive $10 million each for their troubles of last season. And as you can see from the Drew Brees Tweet above, it may not be true.

Boston Globe reporter Greg Bedard also Tweeted a few hours prior to Brees that the four “douchebags”, as Kluwe so wonderfully put it, had backed off of their special demands. But as Pro Football Talk pointed out last night, the reason for the special treatment claims is a whole lot simpler than we should have even thought.

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"Cry about it."

When not starring in massive blockbusters like Gulliver’s Travels and Year One, Jack Black is a huge Los Angeles Lakers fan. The Santa Monica native is regularly seen sitting courtside between his brosephs and DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg. Yes, friends, Jack Black is a true Hollywood A-lister and soon enough he’ll be regarded as a giant in Laker fan folklore, alongside Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Most recently, Black attended the Lakers’ 109-100 loss to the New Orleans Hornets, but he didn’t care so much about the loss, because, as I’ve already pointed out, David Stern will make sure the Lakers are in the picture. Always. So what’s a hilarious bastard like Black gonna do in the meantime? According to the Daily Mail, he’s gonna check out some hot cheerleader ass and make the people piss their pants with laughter, that’s what he’s gonna do.

Luckily, I’m a psychic mind reader and I was able to read Black’s thoughts during the Lakers game on Sunday…

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Michael Phelps was in Las Vegas over the weekend to serve as the celebrity face for the launch of the 2011 Encore Beach Club season. If that means as little to you as it does to me, it means that he got paid to swim around in a pool full of half-naked, father-hating girls. Phelps even played DJ for a bit, which automatically makes him as cool as Danny Masterson.

But this sort of behavior can only be detrimental to his public image, right Daily Mail?

In 2009 Phelps shattered his good boy image when he was pictured using a bong.

He admitted to ‘behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement’ but his was not prosecuted in connection with the incident because there was insufficient evidence.

USA Swimming suspended Phelps from competing for three months and his endorsement contract with Kellogg’s was not renewed.

Oh yeah, that whole bong picture thing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – any man or woman who wins 14 gold medals at the Olympics should have free reign to behave however he or she pleases. If Phelps wants to roll down Sunset Boulevard in Gravedigger with a Roman candle shoved between his butt cheeks while he throws gasoline at homeless people, then I’m all for it. In fact, we should be required to sing “God Bless America” while he does.

Fresh off the news that President Barack Obama called Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to commend him for giving Michael Vick a second chance, as well as Vick and Tom Brady leading the Pro Bowl voting, Fox News bowtie enthusiast Tucker Carlson gave his own opinions on the trials and tribulations of the Eagles QB last night when he filled in for the universally beloved gentleman scholar Sean Hannity on Hannity Live. While Vick was busy begging the Minnesota Vikings to intercept his passes, Carlson claimed that he believes in second chances, but not in Vick’s case. No, Mr. Vick, he expects you to die.

That’s right, folks, the guy who Jon Stewart once called a “dick” on his own show, said that Vick should have been put to death for his role in a dog-fighting ring and the torture and killing of pooches. Give me a cookie treat for being a good boy, Tucker…

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School officials at the University of Iowa have filed a report with the NCAA admitting recent wrongdoing in regards to men’s basketball recruiting. Last month, high school recruits were visiting during a football game, and they were introduced to former Iowa basketball greats, Reggie Evans and Dean Oliver. And while that may sound like small potatoes, it only gets worse. Turns out the recruits were led to a private suite at Kinnick Stadium, and awaiting them were the most despicable, deplorable recruiting degenerates in college football history – Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

Fresh off their marriage-on-the-rocks-saved-by-love-for-freaky-deaky-sex-scandal, Ashton and his grandma wife were more than willing to meet with Hawkeyes basketball recruits Josh Oglesby and Marcus Paige at the September 11 game between Iowa and Iowa State. Kutcher attended Iowa with the dreams of becoming a chemical engineer to develop a cure for his brother’s rare heart disease, but he eventually left to pursue a career in professional Tweeting instead.

Turn that trucker hat sideways and punk Wilmer Valderrama, Des Moines Register:

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