Seriously, I walked by that thing and suddenly knew how to use tools.

Burnsy and Danger Guerrero have been handling things for me while I’ve been Nike Fuelin’ it around Austin for SXSW, but I’m back today, so expect a lot of things that have nothing to do with sports people enjoy. I’ve got a lot of South By shows to recap, but I don’t have to actually go anywhere today, so Skyrim With Leather promptness, here I come!

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Links

Funny, Sexy, And Austin Cosplay of The Week: SXSW Screenburn Arcade - It’s not exactly “watch a singer-songwriter play in a church”, but I got to take pictures of nearly naked guys dressed like Zangief, so read that. [Gamma Squad]

SXSW Screenburn Arcade Spotlight: The Unexpected Genius Of Minicore Studios - Imagine if Angry Birds had a crazy backstory where the yellow bird has schizophrenia. That’s these guys. [Gamma Squad]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Skateboarding And Dodgeball At The Nike Fuel Lot - Sports also happened! If I hadn’t had strict “go see Ingrid Michaelson” orders that I gave myself I would’ve taken pictures of the Livestrong run, too. [With Leather]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Quiet Company At The Main - This is one of those bands that can bang a wooden spoon against a Speak & Spell and make it sound beautiful. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: TeenGirl Fantasy And Star Slinger Pitchfork Showcase At The Mohawk - Wherein I share the building where I watch Anarchy Championship Wrestling with 200 people who read Pitchfork. The word “sonic” is used 75 times. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: David Liebe Hart Band At The Jr - This is the show recap the Corinnians read again and again. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Skrew At The Jr - I still feel weird typing that headline. One day I hope they put “influential industrial metal” on my tombstone. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Fiona Apple At Stubb’s - Not ashamed to say I waited in line like 2 1/2 hours to be front row for Fiona Apple. Now if only The Cardigans would show up at South By, I’d have my two favorite almost cool female singers from the 90s in one place. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Action Bronson And DaVinci At Lustre Pearl - Aside from maybe The Black Belles, this is the guy I left SXSW wanting to see again the most. More rap songs about Barry Horowitz, please. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Andrew WK And Screaming Females At Bar 96 - Set list spoiler: he played a bunch of songs about partying. You knew I’d end up at the vegan-something party, didn’t you? [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Motion City Soundtrack At Clive Bar - Pretty sure either “Brick” or “Mortar” left me a negative comment on this one. In response to his question, I’m not really qualified to be doing anything. [UPROXX]

It’s just some fat girl walking in a swimsuit. I talk about basketball in a moment.

Sports

Dwight Howard Strongly Considering Playing Overseas - I wish I was famous enough to have this be a headline about me. “Brandon Stroud Thinking About Swimming In Mediterranean, Probably Won’t”. That would be so awesome. [Smoking Section]

Kenny Florian and JZ Cavalcante Want to Kick Each Others Stupid Nuts - I write a lot about pro wrestling so I can’t make a lot of gay jokes about something obviously not gay (nor should I make gay jokes about gay things, but work with me here). However, it would be nice if MMA guys were at least aware of how super gay they are when they say they want each others’ nuts. [Cage Potato]

The World Cup Truffle Shuffle Kid is My New Hero - Sometimes a sports story is so important it gets covered on the movie section of our network. This fat kid lifting up his shirt at the World Cup is one of those moments. [Film Drunk]

Al Michaels is a Man For All Seasons, So Long As There Are Four - I miss those days of childhood innocence where all the sports announcers seemed like cool guys who loved sports. I thought Craig Kilborn was so funny. Sigh. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Money in the Bank 2011 - Before you read today’s Best and Worst of Raw, go back and read the more-or-less “Best and Best” recap of one of the best pay-per-views ever. If you don’t watch wrestling, this is a great place to start. That girl on the left is in it, and boy, is she just as awesome as she looks. [With Leather]

Kate Upton is a Chubbish Ball of Attainable Fat Lady - Okay, sorry for that hoggish monster in the intro video. We won’t be covering her again. Go here to see the last time we did, and suffer through 50 pictures of her before reading comments from cool guys with hot, skinny girlfriends who just don’t think she’s “all that”. [With Leather]

2011 Women’s World Cup in Pictures - And then, enjoy girls who are extremely fit! And one awesome kid who is not. [With Leather]

Punte Interviews Matt Cassel - My dumb wrestling recaps get a bunch of traffic that should go to stuff like this, where Josh talks to actual sports celebrities about things that matter. Like, uh, their abdominal muscles. Well, read it anyway. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Owling is the New Planking - The best thing about these dumb photo memes is that the people who do them have the attention span of a rake, so they stop doing them about two weeks in. I’m sure in two weeks owling will be out of style and Gilbert Arenas will be doing handstands and tweeting about how awesome they are. Do it, it’s called HANDING! [UPROXX]

At Long Last, The New Rebecca Black Single Has Arrived - And it’s about how famous she is! What’s with all these songs about people telling singers they’re never going to make it? Who does that? I’ve never gone to a concert and walked up to the musicians and said “man, you guys are just never going to sell a lot of albums”. [Uproxx]

TV’s 20 Most Punchable Faces - I’m still sad that any number of Parks and Recreation secondary characters I suggested didn’t make the list. Come on, Marcia Langman! She’s like Marcia Gay Harden in “Office” form! [Warming Glow]

Doritos Says Women Prefer Gaming to Sex - Why are we asking Doritos things? They’ve been trying to tell us “Cool Ranch” is a legitimate flavor for something to have for over 20 years. [Gamma Squad]

Above is yet another leaked Super Bowl ad for Volkswagen, which seems to be hellbent on getting us to buy their wonderful cars this year. Heck, if they’d be willing to send me a free car I’d be glad to write about how awesome they are. In the meantime, I maintain my stance that rollerblades are the coolest form of transportation on Earth.

As for the ads, what’s the point of dishing out $3 million for a Super Bowl ad if companies are going to keep releasing them early? Element of surprise, Volkswagen. Look it up. What’s that Doritos? You leaked your commercial, too? What the F, people?

Join me after the jump for some nacho cheese fun…

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