Sports

The Drew League Vs. Goodman League Game: Only The Highlights - I feel like sub-NBA basketball leagues (or “directly-to-the-right-of the NBA leagues”, I don’t really know how they’re organized) might be the most fun thing ever. It’s just guys dunking and people going OHHHHHHHH. It’s like how video games want basketball to be. [The Smoking Section]

Knockout Of The Week: Flying Switch Kick - The only way this could be better is if Marcus Lelo Aurelios had set his leg on fire before doing it. I want to start knocking out strangers like this. Just yell FLYING SWITCH KICK BOOM and lay them out. [Cage Potato]

Vegetarian Pig Slop And Heat Wave Rasslin - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s my recap of Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s Sunday show featuring the Portia Perez reference you didn’t get in the Best and Worst of Raw. If you like Best and Worst, read this, because it is almost exclusively “best”. [The Wrestling Blog]

This Is The Trailer For The Postmortal - Drew Magary is doing it right. I published a novel a few years ago and it was a weird little aside to growing up in religious central Virginia. Drew writes something and it’s a “frightening population-bomb dystopia”. Holy sh**, how do I get somebody to call my writing that? [KSK]

With Leather

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22 - Quick version: John Cena might actually be gay, Kelly Kelly is wandering around out here for no reason and WWE is exactly like Dragonball Z. Okay, that version is actually way more confusing than the long one. Anyway, go read this and comment, would you? [With Spandex]

Gallery: The Homeless World Cup - I’m with Burnsy, the Homeless World Cup doesn’t look very homeless. I want to be homeless in Paris, that sounds awesome. Look at me, I’m a romanticized young white adult! [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Yesterday we finished up Bill Hanstock’s special guest writer Dugout series about the San Francisco Giants and their penchant for going on the DL, so give the strip a re-read in its entirety. Yes, Jorge Posada’s screen name is pretty awesome. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Gallery: Wet Cheerleaders - I’m just going to stop putting “Joe Namath” in the title so you’ll go look at it. There are wet volleyball cheerleader butts in this, in case you haven’t looked. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Is A Triumph: Live-Action Portal Short Film - I’m making a note here: huge success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Although if this was a REAL Portal movie, Chell would be played by an orange, blonde 40-year old and GLaDOS would be a manipulative dude in a suit. [Gamma Squad]

Will And Jada Are Getting Divorced - When reached for comment, Will Smith asked “why she ain’t want me, man”. [Film Drunk]

Bret Michaels And Donald Trump May Team Up For Reality Show - It’s like going to your comic book store and finding out there’s a new Marvel Team-Up, but it’s like Cloak and Dagger and one of the New Warriors. And not even Nova, I’m talking Night Thrasher. [Warming Glow]

OK Go Cover “The Muppet Show” Theme - OK Go is a cool website that adds forgettable music to wacky viral videos. Wait, that’s not what this is? [UPROXX]

I know this is going to be tough for you to hear, but Donald Trump has backed out of the Indianapolis 500 and won’t be driving the pace car at the 100th anniversary of the race. Be strong, you need to be strong now more than ever. Trump says he decided to hand over the keys because driving would be “inappropriate” if he was running for President, adding that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was absolutely ice-burned at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and can no longer show his face in public. His hair added, “rarrr.”

Today the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (the speedway itself, not a person, while we’re being anthropomorphic) released the following statement:

Read the rest of this entry »

Alright, so since none of you buckets of chum know who Bernard Madoff is, he was basically the biggest high-brow scam artist on Wall Street, taking the money of people who thought they were buying into a hedge fund that, in reality, never existed. And now Donald Trump, who considers anyone else’s failures as a personal victory, is spouting off about how stupid the victims were.

Great, the last thing we need is a bunch of greedy white people to serve other greedy white people as caddies. That’s almost as greedy a me trying to pass this off as a golf post. But when this post dies a horrible death, I…will receive…total consciousness. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

I'm going to willfully ignore the sad results of basketball games this weekend, and instead focus on a much more entertaining NBA story: Mark Cuban versus Donald Trump. Or, as I like to call it, rich people bitching at each other through the media.  From Page Six:

"Mark Cuban was extremely embarrassed when he copied 'The Apprentice' [with 'The Benefactor'] and failed," Trump raged. "They threw him off television like a dog. I wrote him a note and I said, 'Mark, you have absolutely no television persona. I wish you would have spoken to me previously or before you did this.  I could have told you it was gonna fail.'  And he failed.  Same thing with the Mavericks. The Mavericks have a great team. They'll never win with Mark Cuban as the owner because he is not a winner."

Cuban responded to Trump's digs by e-mailing Page Six: "I guess Donald is still upset that he can't afford to buy an NBA team. No doubt the cash requirements of more than $10,000 created a problem for him. Hopefully he will sell enough Trump Steaks, Trump Perfume and Trump Dolls to save some money and buy a team. Then we can see how he does. Until then he is a wannabe that needs to get a new spiel."

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnn.  It's funny because Donald Trump is so poor.  Obviously, the Donald has gotten soft from his staged feud with Vince McMahon and from picking on mental weaklings like Rosie O'Donnell, who couldn't win a debate against an octogenarian with Alzheimer's. Unless maybe the debate was about "Why pie tastes more delicious after you deep-fry it."

Donald Trump has a bet with Vince McMahon. 

Trump and World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vince McMahon will pick a wrestler to represent them in the ring April at Wrestlemania 23 at Detroit's Ford Field on April 1.

If their pick is beaten in the "Battle of the Billionaires," the loser will get his head shaved after the match, the Detroit Free Press reported Monday.

Oh, the suspense. I wonder which wrestler will win the predetermined fight. I'm sure Donald Trump would take a gamble like this in order to restore his flagging celebrity status.

Guhhhh. I can't believe I actually wrote a post about Donald Trump maybe getting his head shaved. With Leather: your #1 source for conjecture that will never come true. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to pay for my lap dances.

I just watched this video (Edit: link fixed) of Donald Trump challenging Vince McMahon to a match at Wrestlemania, and I can't even begin to understand it. Like, I know WWE is fake and all, but my suspension of disbelief only goes so far. And Donald Trump doing anything that might mess up his hair is about as realistic as Voltron making a cameo in the Transformers movie. C'mon, Voltron was a bunch of mechanical cats (piloted by people) that assembled to be one big robot. That's totally different from alien robots that change into cars or airplanes.

On a WWE-related note, former Diva Search contestant Erica Chevaller — who attained some level of minor renown after leaving her high school history teaching job after she appeared on the USA National Bikini Team website — will be appearing in Playboy. Just thought you should know (thanks to Zach).

Oh, and what do you know — here are some pics. This woman taught tenth grade. The only thing I would have learned from her would have been how to get a bathroom pass to go masturbate in the middle of class. (UPDATE: Well, looky here. It's a NSFW link to her Playboy pics.)