This is C.C. She’s a year and a half old. She can recite the retired numbers for the New York Yankees.
Okay, so she has a little help, but f**k you, she’s not even two. I’m a grown-up with a sports blog and I can’t recite the Cleveland Indians retired numbers without facepalming for five minutes. YOU try remembering Mel Harder! Anyway, C.C. (who shares a name with a Yankee, and is very excited about that fact) is adorable, thinks her daddy is the team captain of the New York Yankees and does a pretty-okay job of spitting out “Mattingly.”
Can I write “ejaculating” in a headline and get away with it? Who knows, GOIN’ FOR IT.
If you’re like me or any other sentient, living human being, you may not think about Don Mattingly when you’re having sex. People have been making that “think about baseball” joke for decades, and sure, that works, but “baseball” does not necessarily mean “Don Mattingly’s face.”
To further illustrated this point (for whatever reason), the extremely talented Scott Rogowsky from ‘Running Late with Scott Rogowsky’ put together a clip called How Not To Orgasm. A lot of the examples are sports-related — A League Of Their Own gets quoted at one point, and hey, does O.J. Simpson still count as sports? — so I’m rationalizing that I can share it here. Hell, if we can write about Kate Upton because she was on the cover of a sports magazine, we can write about OTHER naked people mentioning sports, right?
I’ve included the clip after the jump because it’s pretty NSFW. It meets the YouTube decency guidelines or whatever and isn’t actually porn, but the content is profane by nature, and the illusion of naked folks is there. Especially with Scott’s co-star Karley Sciortino. Her day job is running a blog called Slutever, so … you know, be aware of that. Extremely aware of that.
It’s impossible to overstate the brilliance and cultural impact of ‘The Simpsons’. It’s the reason why most of us think what we think is funny is funny, whether we’ll admit it or not.
It’s just as impossible to agree on what constitutes the “golden age” of the show. Everyone agrees that there’s a certain time frame in which ‘The Simpsons’ was the best show on television (and possibly ever), but we all have a different interpretation of when that era started and stopped. Some people think it was the first 9 or 10 season. Some people narrow that down to 1-8. Some people with impossible f**king standards think it peaked from seasons 3-5, or even 4.
For this week’s Sports On TV column, I used the most generally agreed-upon definition of the show’s prime: season 2 through season 8. Tackling the best sports moments of a monster like ‘The Simpsons’ is tough, so consider this a Part 1 of its own series, destined to include a Part 2, Part 3, and even a Part 4, should we delve into those wretched, later season guest star hives like “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass”.
So please enjoy the 20 best sports moments from the golden age of ‘The Simpsons,’ and be sure to drop us a comment and share your love. Special thanks to Ari Amaru for the screencaps.
If you’re already sick of Ozzie Guillen, f***ing strap in, because it’s going to be a long summer. Particularly if Guillen’s Miami Marlins run away with the National League East, as they’re already threatening to do. I mean, the season hasn’t even started yet, but they’ve already released Aaron Rowand. That is a CHAMPIONSHIP caliber move, right there.
Guillen is nothing if not a classy manager. On Thursday, GQ did a Twitter interview with the Marlins manager — which I guess is a thing that GQ does now — and one of the questions was whether Ozzie would consider himself a breast man or Billy Gunn an ass man. Or, as they phrased it, “¿Prefieres tetas o culo?” Guillen’s response? He’s all about the culo, baby!
@OzzieGuillen: Prefiero culo. Gracias a dios mi esposa tiene uno y siempre lo a tenido
If you can’t read en espanol, he says he thanks God that his wife has always had a nice caboose. Because he’s an old-fashioned romantic, that culo-loving sweetie!
Also on Thursday, Dodgers manager Don Mattingly appeared on Howard Stern for squares “The Dan Patrick Show” and the topic of Guillen came up. Mattingly, to his credit, called Guillen “a little sh*t” in a tone that was more good-natured than that quote would have you believe. As far as smack-talk goes, this barely even rates, but knowing Guillen, he will likely take it personally and instigate a brawl at the first Marlins/Dodgers game just so he can throat-punch the Los Angeles skipper.
Wow, I didn’t think I could get any more pumped for baseball season, but then I read that last sentence again.
Daniel Day-Lewis Is Method Acting The Hell Out Of Abe Lincoln - That’s not Daniel Day-Lewis, Bill and Ted just left the real Abe Lincoln alone at the mall again. [Film Drunk]
Community Credits x Parks & Recreation - This isn’t that great, really, but I can’t stop watching it. Ken Jeong aside, I want to kiss every person in this cast on the mouth. [NextRound]
A Gallery of Pitch Perfect Daria Cosplay - Holy crap, cosplay Jane from Daria #cangetit. Somebody give that girl my phone number, and the licensing rights to popular songs from the 90s. [Unreality]
Is It OK to NOT Love ‘The Muppets’? - No, stupid. [Moviefone]
Expert: Coming Apple-Designed TV Will Blow Your Freakin’ Mind, Man! - There’s so much Apple stuff in my house I have an iPad on the back of my toilet used exclusively to play Angry Birds while I take a dump. Not looking forward to having to buy this. [UPROXX]
Sexy Rumor: HBO Already Preparing Two More Seasons of ‘Game of Thrones’ - Book spoilers: Lord G’Nort travels to the great Maldavia and stabs Jahara. I don’t know, but that sounds right. [Warming Glow]
St. Petersburg Tops List As America’s Saddest City - Somebody’s never been to Detroit! [Smoking Section]
Five Video Game Series That Never Need to be Reviewed Again - “Madden Football”. [Gamma Squad]
How I Play Call of Duty by xoxoDumpTruckoxox - I always go to xoxoDumpTruckoxox for instructional videos. [Adult Swim]
William Shatner Fires A Photon Torpedo At Carrie Fisher - I wrote fan fic with this title, but it was way more graphic. This is just William Shatner talking. [FARK]
Watch a Nerdy White Boy CRUSH a Rap About Pancakes Set to ‘Look at Me Now’ - CHET HAZE! WE COMIN’ FA YOU, N***A! [BroBible]
“How I Met Your Mother’s” Ted is Kind of a Douche - Also, “How I Met Your Mother’s” Every Other Character is kind of a douche. Why is that guy taking a decade to tell his kids one story? [Pajiba]
Do you like worthless sports memorabilia that’s vaguely tied to “The Simpsons?” Then this Don Mattingly royalty check might be for you.
This is a residual check from Don Mattingly’s appearance on The Simpsons 1992 episode, “Homer at Bat.” Donnie appeared with other Major League all stars as ringers for Mr. Burns’ softball team.
The check is made out to Don Mattingly from Fox Studios and has been endorsed by Don on the back. The signature was witnessed by Schulte Sports and comes with their tamper-proof hologram. –from Schulte Auctions. Thanks, Jack.
Bidding has reached $79, which represents a -99.2 percent ROI, which is pretty good investing if you’re a Yankees fan. If people in New York are willing to pay this much for a canceled check, maybe we should start moving the world’s financial markets someplace less maniacal. Like Mike Tyson’s house.