If you’re already sick of Ozzie Guillen, f***ing strap in, because it’s going to be a long summer. Particularly if Guillen’s Miami Marlins run away with the National League East, as they’re already threatening to do. I mean, the season hasn’t even started yet, but they’ve already released Aaron Rowand. That is a CHAMPIONSHIP caliber move, right there.

Guillen is nothing if not a classy manager. On Thursday, GQ did a Twitter interview with the Marlins manager — which I guess is a thing that GQ does now — and one of the questions was whether Ozzie would consider himself a breast man or Billy Gunn an ass man. Or, as they phrased it, “¿Prefieres tetas o culo?” Guillen’s response? He’s all about the culo, baby!

@OzzieGuillen: Prefiero culo. Gracias a dios mi esposa tiene uno y siempre lo a tenido

If you can’t read en espanol, he says he thanks God that his wife has always had a nice caboose. Because he’s an old-fashioned romantic, that culo-loving sweetie!

Also on Thursday, Dodgers manager Don Mattingly appeared on Howard Stern for squares “The Dan Patrick Show” and the topic of Guillen came up. Mattingly, to his credit, called Guillen “a little sh*t” in a tone that was more good-natured than that quote would have you believe. As far as smack-talk goes, this barely even rates, but knowing Guillen, he will likely take it personally and instigate a brawl at the first Marlins/Dodgers game just so he can throat-punch the Los Angeles skipper.

Wow, I didn’t think I could get any more pumped for baseball season, but then I read that last sentence again.

[h/t for both items to HardballTalk]

That is Don Mattingly, right?

Links

Daniel Day-Lewis Is Method Acting The Hell Out Of Abe Lincoln - That’s not Daniel Day-Lewis, Bill and Ted just left the real Abe Lincoln alone at the mall again. [Film Drunk]

Community Credits x Parks & Recreation - This isn’t that great, really, but I can’t stop watching it. Ken Jeong aside, I want to kiss every person in this cast on the mouth. [NextRound]

A Gallery of Pitch Perfect Daria Cosplay - Holy crap, cosplay Jane from Daria #cangetit. Somebody give that girl my phone number, and the licensing rights to popular songs from the 90s. [Unreality]

Is It OK to NOT Love ‘The Muppets’? - No, stupid. [Moviefone]

Expert: Coming Apple-Designed TV Will Blow Your Freakin’ Mind, Man! - There’s so much Apple stuff in my house I have an iPad on the back of my toilet used exclusively to play Angry Birds while I take a dump. Not looking forward to having to buy this. [UPROXX]

Sexy Rumor: HBO Already Preparing Two More Seasons of ‘Game of Thrones’ - Book spoilers: Lord G’Nort travels to the great Maldavia and stabs Jahara. I don’t know, but that sounds right. [Warming Glow]

St. Petersburg Tops List As America’s Saddest City - Somebody’s never been to Detroit! [Smoking Section]

Five Video Game Series That Never Need to be Reviewed Again - “Madden Football”. [Gamma Squad]

How I Play Call of Duty by xoxoDumpTruckoxox - I always go to xoxoDumpTruckoxox for instructional videos. [Adult Swim]

William Shatner Fires A Photon Torpedo At Carrie Fisher - I wrote fan fic with this title, but it was way more graphic. This is just William Shatner talking. [FARK]

Watch a Nerdy White Boy CRUSH a Rap About Pancakes Set to ‘Look at Me Now’ - CHET HAZE! WE COMIN’ FA YOU, N***A! [BroBible]

“How I Met Your Mother’s” Ted is Kind of a Douche - Also, “How I Met Your Mother’s” Every Other Character is kind of a douche. Why is that guy taking a decade to tell his kids one story? [Pajiba]

Do you like worthless sports memorabilia that’s vaguely tied to “The Simpsons?” Then this Don Mattingly royalty check might be for you.

This is a residual check from Don Mattingly’s appearance on The Simpsons 1992 episode, “Homer at Bat.” Donnie appeared with other Major League all stars as ringers for Mr. Burns’ softball team.

The check is made out to Don Mattingly from Fox Studios and has been endorsed by Don on the back. The signature was witnessed by Schulte Sports and comes with their tamper-proof hologram. –from Schulte Auctions. Thanks, Jack.

Bidding has reached $79, which represents a -99.2 percent ROI, which is pretty good investing if you’re a Yankees fan. If people in New York are willing to pay this much for a canceled check, maybe we should start moving the world’s financial markets someplace less maniacal. Like Mike Tyson’s house.

Taylor Mattingly, the 24-year-old son of Kim Mattingly (pictured) and former Yankee great Don Mattingly, was arrested by police in Evansville, Indiana on Tuesday after he spit on his mother and pushed her to the ground. I thought this sort of thing only happened during the holidays.

Taylor also took out his anger on Kim’s furniture: he admitted to shattering a patio table, breaking a door and a window and throwing other furniture against the walls of Kim’s pool house.

Kim Mattingly told cops that Taylor’s fuse was lit in part when she canceled cable TV service at the ranch where he was staying. via.

Don and Kim filed for divorce in November of 2007, so Taylor’s stuck in Indiana while Daddy gets to be the Dodgers hitting coach in LA and hang out with Manny Ramirez and snort cocaine of the crevices of whomever he pleases. That family must be going through so much pain. I guess what I’m trying to say is, give the kid his cable back, and the two of you can bask in the healing power of television.

Hey, pitchers and catchers are reporting soon! Time for some baseball news!

The estranged wife of Los Angeles Dodgers coach Don Mattingly was arrested and charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct after police say she refused to leave his property in Indiana. Police arrested 45-year-old Kim Mattingly after they were called to the home of the former Yankee first baseman to investigate reports of a person refusing to leave on Saturday, a probable cause affidavit said.

That's fucking awesome! So if my wife's being a relentless pain in the ass, I can just call the cops?

The couple filed for divorce in November on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. The divorce has not been finalized, and no further action has been taken.

Oh.

Kim Mattingly told investigators that Don Mattingly had taken her phone and she wanted it back, the affidavit said. Police spoke to Mattingly, who said he did not have the phone.

Great fucking police work there, fellas. Do you have it? No. Okay, have a nice day. Jesus fucking shit, why do people in Indiana even pay taxes? And irreconcilable differences? Isn't that code for "getting caught fucking the babysitter on the kitchen table?" I should have been a cop. They have laptops in police cruisers now, don't they?

- Monday Morning Punter

[Yahoo! Sports; photo via AP]