It’s pretty safe to say that things aren’t going too well for Chad Johnson right now. The 34-year old receiver has probably played his last days in the NFL, as the Miami Dolphins have cut him in the wake of – but not necessarily because of – his arrest for domestic assault on his wife, Evelyn Lozada Ochocinco, and their VH1 reality show has also been canceled. Seeing as this is the second time that Johnson has dealt with domestic violence charges – the first incident occurred in 2000 – it’s safe to say the NFL won’t look too favorably upon Johnson playing for some time.

This fall from grace has caused some people to look back to a comment that Johnson made recently, as he declared that if the Dolphins cut him, he’d probably turn to a life in pornography. Joke or not, that can now be his reality, as the people at PornHub are offering Johnson a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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Deion Sanders and his second wife, Pilar, have had a very well-documented, nasty public battle going ever since they filed for divorce in September of last year. Pilar has accused Deion of being a narcissistic bully, among other things, claiming that the man who once called himself Primetime and wore more gold than Mr. T craved constant attention and demanded regular self-assurance, not only from his wife, but the multiple alleged mistresses that he had during their marriage.

Deion, on the other hand, has tried to maintain the image of a man who cares first and foremost about a stable family life and a sense of well-being for his three children with Pilar – Shilo, Shedeur and Shelomi – and apparently there’s no better way to support normalcy than having your kids fill out police reports and then post a picture of it on Twitter.

As you can see above, Deion and his kids filled out police reports against Pilar yesterday after she and a friend allegedly attacked Deion in his bedroom as the kids were watching TV. And because Twitter has always been known as a medium of truth and justice, Deion openly spoke of the assault to his Tweeps:

I guess each man is entitled to respond to his own divorce and, in this case, alleged domestic assault however he sees fit, so if Deion wants to broadcast his battles on Twitter, more power to him. I just love when Deion is in the news, because then I can share my favorite story about him – Carlton Fisk calling him a “piece of sh*t” – and probably the most unintentionally hilarious video of all-time…

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"Dude, you've gotta stop going to night clubs, k bro?"

When Fox Sports reporter and Bond villain Jay Glazer broke the news yesterday afternoon that the Miami Dolphins had traded receiver Brandon Marshall to the Chicago Bears for two third round draft picks, a few theories hit the Twitters:

1) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.
2) The Dolphins were freeing up as much money as they could to sign Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne.
3) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.

After all, how could they send away their best offensive weapon for less than what they traded for him just two seasons ago unless they had one hell of a plan? Well, Wayne signed a new 3-year deal with the Indianapolis Colts last night, Vincent Jackson signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for $11 million a year, Pierre Garcon is a Washington Redskin and Robert Meachem is as good as a Buffalo Bill signed with the San Diego Chargers. So why the hell did the Dolphins trade Marshall?

Cops are investigating whether a star NFL wide receiver with a rough-and-tumble reputation punched a woman in the face at a Chelsea nightclub, sources said Wednesday.

The young woman filed a police report against Brandon Marshall, saying the 6-foot-4, 230-pound wideout smacked her in the eye outside the Marquee nightclub about 4 a.m. Sunday, sources said. (Via the New York Daily News)

That makes a lot more sense. Guilty or not, Marshall is possibly in for a punishment from the league, seeing as he doesn’t exactly have the best history with night clubs. I’m guessing that he’ll be slapped with a suspension just for showing up in the news again, because, fair or not, Roger Goodell can do whatever he damn well pleases.

As for the Bears, they say they were aware of the incident before trading for Marshall, but I have to believe that Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland was prepared to use his “No Take Backs” clause if necessary.

The first thing you hear in this video is “Manny-lammy-ray-soo”, so it pretty much has to be the greatest of all Taiwanese animated video adaptations.

The story, about Manny Ramirez briefly going to jail for smacking his wife in the face and knocking her into a headboard, is not funny. It’s so not funny, in fact, that my normal ability to turn the situation into a laugh in The Dugout has been stifled all day by the idea that a real life man doesn’t deserve his loving, fictional counterpart. Thankfully the women behind the quickest and cheapest adaptive media in the world have already produced a video recap featuring a shirtless Manny in an “MVP” chain, Manny kicking dirt on his wife during an umpire dispute and Major League Baseball using a G-Man with a “suspension” baseball bat to stop Manny from making orange juice.

Also, haven’t you ever wondered how to say “Manny being Manny” in Taiwanese?

When you’re done watching this, be sure to watch the one about Serena Williams where she gets so mad she bursts into flames. Watching them back to back, I’m pretty sure they used the same animation model for Serena and Manny. Good job, Taiwan.

[h/t Sportress Of Blogitude]

That lovable, wacky Manny Ramirez, always watching cartoons in his underwear in his GM’s office, always taking secret pee breaks behind the outfield fence, always, uh, retiring from baseball to avoid drug scandals. Always … beating his wife? This isn’t going where I want it to go. I guess I should recap this from the beginning.

This morning:

Manny Ramirez allegedly slapped his wife in the face with an open hand … causing her to hit her head against the headboard of their bed … this according to the police report.

TMZ broke the story … Manny was arrested at his home in Florida yesterday for battery in a domestic incident.

According to the report, Juliana told police she and the MLB slugger were arguing in the bedroom when Manny … “struck her in the left side of the face with an open hand causing her to hit her head against the headboard of the bed.”

A little later in the morning, Manny appeared at a Boward County courtroom for a bond hearing wherein the judge issued a no contact order and barred him from having any contact with his wife. By 8:30 TMZ was all over the place, flooding their page with nearly every aspect of the story including the 911 call, which makes the situation sound a little bit more like Manny, but still far too weird and casually disturbing to be as funny as it sounds:

During the call, Juliana tells the operator, “Hi, my husband just hit me.”

When the operator asks if she’s safe … Juliana replies, “He’s not doing anything anymore ’cause he knows I’m calling the police.”

As of 9 AM, Manny was being released from a Florida Jail after posting $2,500 bond and ingratiating himself to local media by snatching microphones out of their hands and throwing them. I’ve spent so long trying to find the humor in situations like a football player being stabbed in the stomach by his wife or someone getting nerve damage trying to pry frozen burger patties apart that it takes a few of these posts in a row to get me feeling maudlin, and man, I really do not want to spend the rest of my day and life thinking about Manny Ramirez slapping a woman, going to jail, and then getting pissed at reporters who want to know why he hit his wife in the face.

Regardless, I think the Lady Cop will be in heavy rotation tomorrow.

[via the entirety of TMZ]

The above image is an ESPN illustration from a Page 2 piece called “Charlie Sheen vs. Mike Tyson quote quiz”. Or “What If Mike Tyson Were White?”, I can’t remember.

Sheen once shot Kelly Preston in the arm with a revolver and enjoyed a 20-plus year career despite beating up more than one woman. Mike Tyson liked to drag his wife down the hallway by her hair and was convicted of rape. Now, the hilarious star of The Hangover is set to skewer America’s irrepressible bad boy in “The Roast of Charlie Sheen”! Because this is how the world should work!

From TMZ:

Cocaine … hangovers … and mug shots — Mike Tyson and Charlie Sheen are a match made in Comedy Central Roast heaven … and TMZ has learned Iron Mike is officially on board to skewer the Warlock next month.

Sources heavily involved with the Roast tell us … Mike will be on the dais on September 10 … along with Steve-O from “Jackass” … comic Anthony Jeselnik and Roast legend Jeff Ross.

I guess my first question is, “when did Jeff Ross become a ‘Roast legend’?” Doing something doesn’t really make you a legend at it. Second question, how sad is it when comic Anthony Jeselnik is the second biggest star appearing at your roast? Is it more or less sad than being less of a draw than Steve-O?

I think most people have moved on from our two-week obsession with drug-addled Charlie Sheen, so hopefully “The Comedy Central Roast Of” is just a ruse and they’re setting up a two-hour intervention where they berate him for being one of our nation’s most legitimate creeps. Best case scenario, Jeff Ross shows up with a stack of index cards with nothing but Chuck Norris jokes on them and uses them indiscriminately for the next five Comedy Central Roasts.