I’m going to be 100 percent honest right now – short of the University of Oregon’s cheerleaders kidnapping me and forcing me to watch anything but college basketball today (and I welcome them to try), I’m not really interested in anything other news right now. However, I will make an exception for any video that claims to feature a tap-dancing English Bulldog, because I’m a human being with feelings and a working brain, obviously.

According to the video’s description:

This is Winston our 4 year old Bulldog. He came to us from Bulldog Rescue a Bulldog welfare charity based in South East England. Winston has coordination and balance problems and is partially deaf but that sure dont stop him dancing. He just loves to dance. Excuse the over excited encouragement but it helps get him in his groove.

This video makes me happy. I had an English Bulldog that also loved to dance and chase basketballs around the house, so I could watch Winston’s moves on a loop. I won’t, however, because there are GIFs of those Oregon cheerleaders making the rounds, and I find that to be slightly more important. No offense, Winston.

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If I were a professional baseball player and was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs, I would probably want to do everything within my power to clear my name and save my reputation. And if I was actually guilty of using PEDs, whether or not the public knew it yet, I would want to do everything within my power and the power of an entire team of PR people to make people think that I’m an absolute saint. Most notably, I would stop spending every night with strippers and Playmates, and I would adopt a bunch of puppies and bring them with me everywhere.

That’s why I think Milk Bone was on to something back in 1993 with its series of trading cards that featured baseball then-biggest stars with their beloved dogs. Among the players in this series were noted steroid enthusiasts like Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro, as well as Brady Anderson and Larry Walker, who represent a legion of “Yeah, probably” guys. And I’m not trying to be a dick and accuse people, but I just assume that all of these guys were on juice back then, thanks to Bud Selig’s “Eh, whatever” policy.

My point is that any time a baseball player is busted for PED use now, he should be required by league policy to adopt a dog. Hell, Alex Rodriguez would probably save every homeless canine on Earth by next week.

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I hope that cap is sealed, right Morrissey? LOL!

Apparently this video has been around for approximately a year, but I hadn’t seen it until late last night, which means that everyone here has to pretend like it’s their first time as well. And yes, that’s how I approach a lot of things in my life.

Meet Tsar the Ukrainian hunting dog, as he is about to become an Internet star (again) for his unique companionship. Basically, Tsar’s owner(s) has trained him to fetch bottles of vodka, and that is awesome for two reasons:

1. Animals that fetch any sort of alcoholic beverages are instantly awesome. See: This classic Bud Light ad.
2. The fact that Tsar fetches entire bottles of vodka means that these guys are all putting away multiple bottles of vodka. But I suppose this is more depressing than it is awesome, because in Russia that’s a sign of grizzled manliness, while in America it’s considered alcoholism and “dangerous to the rest of the people on your awesome party boat, Burns”.

In conclusion, Tsar is my nomination for Dog of the Week/Month and/or Year, even if this video was posted last year.

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A few quick truths:

1. With Leather doesn’t really have a signature animal. Sure, we’ve tried to get sea otters over as our thing, but nobody comes here for specific animal content in the way they might’ve, say, Warming Glow.

2. Sledding is more of a recreational activity than a “sport,” but it requires a small amount of athletic prowess. Slightly harder than hanging motionless on the monkey bars, but easier than the slide.

3. It’s Friday, and the only things going on in the LOL LOOK AT THIS sports world are Harlem Shake videos and … additional Harlem Shake videos.

So, with those three things accepted as facts, here’s a clip of SLEDDING PUGS. Okay, so it looks like somebody just put them in sweaters, dumped them into a storage bin and decided to drag them around in the snow against their will, but still, pugs in sweaters in a sled. The fabric softener commercial music in the background is a nice touch.

As a resident of hot-ass Texas who lives with a lady who is allergic to dogs, I’m going to pretend that this is what winter is like. SLEDDING PUGS, Y’ALL.

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When I read that the 9th Annual Valentine’s Day Canine Kissing Contest and Cocktail Party took place last week in Portland, I immediately pictured Fred Armisen dressed as a hideous female as a pink dog with giant ear spacers slobbered his face. However, it turns out that today’s real life Portlandia tale actually comes from Portland, Maine, so I’ve been watching the IFC channel all morning for absolutely nothing.

Regardless, the contest in question featured a number of dog owners (do we really own dogs, though?) and their favorite pooches in a battle to see which human would let his or her furry counterpart lick his or her face the longest. Sadly, none of them tried my old college tactic of drinking too much Rumplemintz and passing out on the dog bed. WARNING: You may also be pissed on.

So who were the big winners at this year’s contest anyway?

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Yeah, getcha some.

As with any Super Bowl, my favorite Monday pastime is reading everyone’s analysis of what they loved and hated, but with much more enthusiasm for the latter. My reason for this is that I simply like to turn my brain off and relax a little, because by the time the biggest game of the year has finally wrapped up, I need a little breather. Basically, I agree with Arian Foster that today should be Labor Day. That said, the leader in my clubhouse for best post-Super Bowl rant thus far goes to Will Leitch and his essay on the complete meltdown by CBS’ announcing team during the blackout last night.

Between Shannon Sharpe’s broken cliché machine and Bill Cowher actually suggesting that the San Francisco 49ers should bench Colin Kaepernick in the Super Bowl, I thought my head was getting close to a Scanners moment. Hell, they should have just brought out Rick Reilly and Kaepernick’s birth mother to finish us off.

That said, it’s an otherwise slow news day, unless you count a dog parade and I always count dog parades. This weekend, the fine people of St. Louis hosted the 19th annual Beggin’ Barkus Pet Parade in Soulard, according to the folks at KSDK 5, and there was even a lobster dog. Granted, it wasn’t THE Lobster Dog, but we take what we can get.

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